Wikileaks reveals marry, shag, push off a cliff game

WIKILEAKS UPDATE

The latest leaked diplomatic cable reveals world leaders played a two-year game of ‘marry, shag, throw off a cliff,’ Gusset News can reveal today.

Records show that between 2008 and this year, US President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron and serial philandering octogenarian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi egged each other on to decide which world leaders and heads of state they would rather wed, engage in intercourse with or murder.

OBAMA

President Obama, already floundering after losing the majority voice in the US House of Representatives, will be reeling today after his decision to push the governor of Alaska Sarah Palin off a cliff was made public. As for his other choices, Hilary Clinton and Condaleeza Rice, Obama wrote that he would spend a night with Hilary and marry "phat Condy".

"Shag Margaret Thatcher, yes please!"

CAMERON

David Cameron controversially chose to push his wife Samantha off a cliff, shag hero Margaret Thatcher and marry Labour leader Ed Milliband. “Completing the unification of Britain’s political parties wiv my dick lol!”

BERLUSCONI

No stranger to controversy, Berlusconi is probably the least bothered of the lot by the revelations. The Italian PM chose to shag Anne Widdicome, saying “This won't go any further, right?” In a break from the game’s rules, the PM decided he would push French President Nicholas Sarkozy off a cliff before marrying his supermodel ex wife, Carla Brunei.

"We could've got Ireland a better deal" say Meerkats

International business entrepreneurial sex symbol, and Meerkat, Aleksandr Orlov, said he could have easily given Ireland a competative interest rate of around 4.9% for the €85bn loan had they come to his website comparethemeerkat.com.

The EU, however, decided to borrow money from loan sharks at a stonking rate of 5.8%.

The loan, which will mostly be used for betting, buying second-hand cars and burning horses, is expected to cost every Irish household €5245 per year in interest alone.

"Simples! We compare hundreds of interest rates and could have bailed Ireland out for a much cheaper rate". Said the Russian website owner. "We'd have saved them enough money to buy a Cheeky Girl".

Pope condemns Babelfish after translation errors

After a disgruntled tramp found differently translated versions of a book by Pope Benedict XVI in a bin, Vatican CIty has excreted a series of spastic excuses.

The Vatican has been cutting costs and admitted using free online translation service 'Babelfish' to translate official interviews with the Pope for his book ' Light of the World'.

The original version, in Italian, apparently said: 'use of a condom by an HIV-infected male prostitute may be a good idea'. However, the English and German translations state: 'all tracksuit wearing AIDS-ridden council skanks, like Cheryl Cole, must use condoms or face death by stoning'.

Pope Benedict XVI, originally from Germany, who can speak many languages including German, blamed an 'inept temp' for the error. He said "this poxy temp has made me look like a xenophobic paedo-okayer with out-of-date idealisms, for which I can only apologise".

Danny Dyer, official spokesman for the working classes told Gusset News: "This is a f***ing bull*** excuse. The c***ing Pope clearly doesn't want c***s like me to breed or enjoy the pleasures of f***ing without the consequences of having some c***-faced brat to bring up"

The Vatican clarified that the ban on the use of condoms, or any other device, for sexy fun purposes remains. However when you translate this with Babelfish it says: "The remnant Vatican prohibits some Welsh cheeses but likes to bark at cars."

Pudsey in Jordan sex romp scandal

The BBC is reeling after allegations that Children in Need bear Pudsey was seen engaging in lewd behaviour in a Soho nightclub.

The yellow bear, who is instantly recognisable by his distinctive eye patch, spent a night in Soho’s Tits Up club with brash bimbo Katie Price and some other sluts in the wee hours of Sunday morning. The group spent the evening drinking tequila and became more rowdy as the night went on.

The giant yellow bear was celebrating the BBC’s effort in raising £18 million for children in need on Friday night.

Sick: Pudsey wears an eye patch to get girls.

“The bear was wearing nothing but an eye patch and a sleazy grin,” said cocktail waitress Sandy. “He kept grabbing my arse as I went by and when I complained he called me a ‘frigid lesbian bitch’.”

Another waitress complained that Pudsey had offered her £1,500 for her to defecate in his mouth, a practice known as bricking.

Reports are also circulating that Katie Price was seen giving Pudsey oral relief beneath the table while the bear shouted “anyone else wanna get their mouths round my furry c*&k?”

Pudsey’s former girlfriend, Fearne Cotton, recently hit the news for saying that the bear was a “womanising arsehole”. She also claimed that there was nothing wrong with Pudsey’s right eye, and that the eye patch was merely a ploy to attract vulnerable young women.

The BBC has refused to comment.

Prime Ministers in Other Countries are Cunts Too say Scientists

Scientific research commissioned by United Nations has proved that members of parliament, president-types and Prime Ministers are cunts, regardless of which country they hail from.

Professor Dean Gaffney lead the research project originally set up in 1996. He told Gusset News: "We were expecting that only 80-85% of MPs would actually be complete and utter cuntfucks, and so we were surprised by the findings. Some MPs are merely wankers and knob-jockeys. But 99.8% of them are cunts". He went on to list the main findings of the research:

- Tony Blair was a mega cunt from day 1 but the invasion of Iraq sent him off the cuntometer.

- Barack Obama was expected to be a reasonable decent bloke but it turns out he's a complete cunt.

- Silvio Berlusconi was merely an ancient penis last week, but now he's 100% cunt for spending $10,000,000,000 defacing another ancient penis.

- Nicolas Sarkozy is a racist cunt for banning burkas and the Welsh from France.

Nick Clegg is only a small cunt for his insignificunt role in the British government

The list of government cunts is endless and a full list of cunts near you can be found here:

MPs across Britain and Europe mostly agree with these findings, unless their opposition agree.

Somali Hostages Were Trapped in Margaret Thatcher's Hair

The nation is in shock today after the Somali pirate hostages reveal that they were in fact trapped inside Margaret Thatcher's hair all along.

Paul and Rachel Chandler revealed to Gusset News the horrors of their hostage hair hell: "We're just happy to be alive!"

 "No-one heard our cries for help..."

The couple were walking around Belgravia in 1996 when a gust of wind blew them into the iron lady's bouffant barnet, where they remained until yesterday.

Mrs Thatcher was completely unaware that the couple were trapped inside her fuzzy frizz until fourteen years later when a nurse at the private Cromwell Hospital brushed her hair: "her hairbrush got stuck in Paul Chandler's foot and he popped out", revealed the nurse. "He was skinny and bony and but so relieved to be freed".

"We just want to get back to our normal lives" revealed the Chandlers, who have missed out on many historic events including Tony Blair's war on Iraq, banker's bonuses during a recession and MP's fraudulent expenses claims.

"We are so happy to be among decent, everyday people."

Meanwhile, the Cromwell nurse has since found Lord Lucan in the Baroness's beehive and FBI officials eagerly await the possible finding of Osama Bin Laden.

Jesus face found on wank sock

Jesus’ face frequently appears on Marmite jars, drainpipes and fields but Simon Marshall from Lincoln was surprised to find Jesus’ face in his favourite wank sock.

“At first I thought it was Noel Edmonds, but when I looked closer I realised it was Jesus H Chris!” Said Mr Marshall, who noticed the stain as he put his wank sock in the washing machine.

The estate agent went on to say: “It’s my favourite wank sock, it’s a wool mix and never stiffens. I’m honoured that Jesus decided to appear and it’s obviously a message to say I should stop wanking but I love it.”

After discovering the religious stain Mr. Marshall took the sock to his local church where the Reverend Paul Yarrow of the Church of Holy Trinity confirmed that the wank stain was a genuine representation of Christ. He said “Yep. That’s him”.

Mr Marshall is selling his wank sock on Gumtree and confirms that this incident will not stop him from wanking.

Hedgehogs fitted with wellies while pensioners freeze

Snug: a hedgehog contemplates his new designer boots.

A government plan to outfit hedgehogs with designer winter footwear has been greeted by anger by pensioners affected by the latest budget cuts.

A document leaked today to Gusset News showed that the ConDem government has set aside £6.2 billion to supply the United Kingdom’s estimated 80 million hedgehogs with wellington boots.

The specially designed boots are designed to keep hedgehogs’ feet dry and warm this winter. They are made from organic Borneo rubber and lined with Peruvian sheep’s wool. The boots are red with a white stripe, and have been hand painted by artist Amish Kapoor.

While the prickly creatures will no doubt be happy with this development, not everyone feels the same way.

As the country is plunged into winter, pensioners across Britain are feeling the pinch. Ninety-five-year-old Mavis Beacon, from Clapton, says her heating allowance has been cut, along with her pension. “I’m living on the snails that I find in the back of my cupboards,” she whinged. “What makes hedgehogs so darn special?”

Skegness’ oldest resident, Marty Pellow, aged 135, says he was forced to burn his wife to keep warm, and that he did not see the use of fitting hedgehogs with wellington boots while there were so many people going without. “This government only cares about you if you’re small and cute,” he grumbled.

George Osborne defended the decision, saying that hedgehogs are an important symbol of Britain. “They’re short, fat and spiky - just like the general population. They’re also much cuter than pensioners and they hate having wet feet, I just don’t understand the controversy.”

The decision has echoes of Margaret Thatcher’s 1984 move to force the British public to knit cardigans for the howler monkeys of Central America while miners froze to death in the wastelands of the north.

GP Receptionists to Carry Out Medical Procedures

The Government has launched an NHS spending report today confirming that GP receptionists will now see patients for most illnesses.

Angela Lansbury, Health Secretary, said "too many ill people are going to see their GP. GPs simply haven't got time for this nonsense".

The Government report states that seeing patients and dealing with illness account for 25% of a GPs' workload, costing the NHS £3bn per year. This cost can be halved by GP receptionists carrying out easy medical procedures such as prescribing medication, administering flu jabs and inserting a male catheter.

All GP receptionists in the UK will be given instruction manuals and a pair of rubber gloves.

GP receptionist Jane Miggins gets ready to examine a prostate gland

Professor Martin Snashall, CEO of the Royal College of GPs said: "GP receptionists are rude, clumsy and look like pig farmers. This is a sure way to keep whinging patients away from busy GPs".

Dr Das, a GP from Walthamstow said "I'd rather be anally raped in the ear than talk to a pensioner about the colour of their phlegm", he went on to say "I only earn seventy thousand per annum and it proper knobs me off when a patient interrupts me updating Twitter".

A GP surgery in Worthing already has its cleaning staff conducting minor surgery.

Circus to counsel people scared of clowns

A CIRCUS is offering a counselling service for people who suffer from coulrophobia - the fear of clowns.

John Lawson's Circus, which tours the UK, offers workshops where people can meet two clowns and see them get into character.

The clown-fearers will be forced to watch mime and lame visual gags for four hours until they realise that clowns are not scary, just a tedious talent vacuum and general waste of everyone’s time and money.

If the coulrophobics are still quaking after the boredom therapy they will be placed into a small cage with a clown dressed as Stephen King’s It for three hours. The clown will touch them inappropriately and cut their faces with rusty blades. This therapy is known as ‘flooding’ and sees patients exposed to large amounts of the feared stimulus to shock them into mental health.

Clowns: boring and pointless.

Former coulrophobia Martin Clunes said his fear was ruining his life. “I would freeze up whenever I had to pass a circus tent or a mini because I thought clowns would start pouring out.”

Clunes said it was difficult to pinpoint the origins of his phobia but suggested it may have had something to do with a mime artist brutally murdering his parents in front of him when he was five years old.

McDonalds to Sponsor The Lazy

Up to 29.16 million people could be forced to "get up off their lazy arses and get a fucking job" according to a new ConDem dossier to cut benefits.

Families on jobseekers allowance will no longer be able to afford wide screen TVs, ipads and Sky TV. However, American food giants McDonald's have stepped in and saved the day with their 'sponsoring a layabout' initiative.

Layabouts on on the scheme will have to wear McDonald's logos at all times and eat only at Maccy D's or else their benefit will cease. Families on the scheme are said to be 'delighted'. Martin Chugnut, a working class oik from Ilford said "I'd be fucking honoured to wear the Golden Arches accross my man-tits".

A chav enjoys sponsored rations

Labour has criticised the scheme claiming that the sponsorship deal with McDonald's is a form of "social cleansing" to build a wider gap between the rich and the poor. Labour leader Ed Miliband said, "It is tantamount to labelling the poor as slobs and will obviously be a strain on the NHS". He went on to say, "Isn't 'tantamount' a wicked word, it just rolls off the tongue!"

David Cameron has dismissed the claims saying "it will mean the working classes will still be able to afford to do the things they like doing like darts and cider. Nothing will change".

There are now talks of the UK's Disability Allowance being sponsored by Adidas.

NASA: The Moon Really is Made of Cheese

Nasa confirmed last night that the moon is actually made from cheese.

Nasa told Gusset News that during its recent scientific mission involving throwing heavy stuff like gas ovens at the moon, produced a cloud of cheesy crumbs.

The crumbs were analysed and showed that at least 25% of the moon's service is made from parmesan and showed traces of camembert, rockfort and Babybel. Nasa scientist Jeff Bridges said that 'operation gas appliance' had revealed that the Moon is more complex than they had previously believed. "We like totally thought the moon was made up of a compound of stuff like carbon, sodium, mercury and rocks but it like totally isn't".

An exclusive Nasa photo shows rocks found on the moon

Scientists are astonished by the results and researchers at King's College London believe that the cheese has been deposited there by prankster aliens over many millions of years.

There is concern that with the onset of global warming the surface if the moon could melt. Professor Ryan Giggs at Nasa said "the earth could turn into a massive fondue set, anyone with a diary allergy should consult a doctor right away".

WIKI-SLAPPING IS THE NEW BLACK SAYS BARACK OBAMA

Gusset News officially launches new pointless annoying game Wiki-Slapping 'the happy slapping of Wikipedia'.

Wiki-Slapping is as easy as Barbara Windsor:

1. Graffiti Wikipedia
2. Wait for your silly/tasteless/childish edits to get on Google
3. Take a screen shot
4. Upload it here (or email it to wiki@gussetnews.com)

Remember - it's not Wiki-Slapping unless it's on Google.

See the FAQs for advise and shit

Richard and Judy divorce

Britain's favourite double-act Richard and Judy are set to divorce after 24 years of marriage.

A secret source told Gusset News that Judy filed for divorce this morning after discovering a stash of dodgy photographs in Richard's sock drawer: "She had no idea what Richard was up to". The 24 photographs depicted Richard Madeley wearing his Ali G costume whilst cupping the testicles of Ross Kemp.

Madeley met the ex-Eastenders hardman when he came on the Richard and Judy show over ten years ago. The pair did not get on at first but Madeley lured him into their marital home with cheap wine and out-of-date twiglets.

Madeley denies having a bromance with the Mitchel Brother and insists that the photos have been photoshopped. His agent, Gary Midgely, said: "My client has never fondled the man-bags of any ex-Eastenders actor. This is clearly some evil hoax".

"I never cupped no nads!"

Ross Kemp refused to comment on the matter but a close friend said he was upset that he never received any twiglets.

Osama Bin Laden seen on Chatroulette

After the Chilean Miner rescue operation accidentally unearthed Osama Bin Laden yesterday it seems the bearded terrorist has been seeking human company yet again.

Bored teenagers Cheryl Tweedy and Dean Gaffney were surfing through social webchat site Chat Roulette last night when the FBI's most wanted terrorist popped up on their screen. "We didn't realise it was him until he told us he'd bombed the Twin Towers", said Emo-kid Cheryl. "He seemed really friendly and we got him to take his top off".

"LOL"

Bin Laden apparently joked about his beard length and generally seemed quite 'lonely' and 'sad'. "He said he missed playing Snakes and Ladders with his friend Saddam", said Gaffney. "LMAO".

The teenagers, both from Worthing, West Sussex, tried to ring the FBI but by then the multi-international murderer had 'skipped' to another Chat Roulette user who was most probably a man with his penis out. According to Wikipedia the odds for getting a wanker on Chat Roulette are now just 3:1 since Paul Daniels' PC broke down.

Osama Bin hiding with Chilean miners

Rescue workers bringing the 33 trapped Chilean miners to the surface had the surprise of their lives this morning when they unearthed a 34th person.

Osama Bin Laden, who has been on the run for more than a decade after bombing Americans, was discovered huddling under a blanket behind one of the men. His first words to the world were “death to America.” Police offers were alerted but by the time they arrived the canny Arab had slipped down another hole in the vicinity.

Puzzled officials speculate that the space where the miners sheltered for 70 days was so crowded that one more body didn’t make any difference.

Newly freed Miner Julio Iglasias said Bin Laden had gone largely unnoticed while they were down the hole. “He kept himself to himself,” he said. “But he seemed like a nice, polite man.”

HOROSCOPES

Paul the psychic octopus has released October's horoscopes

Sir Alan Sugar's Secret Support

Sir Alan Sugar has revealed that he will wear a ladies bra for the next series of The Apprentice.

Britain's favourite entrepreneur is said to be feeling self conscious about his drooping man-bags and has opted for an underwired b-cup.

Top bra makers, Bravissimo, have created a specially designed man bra for the fluffy tycoon. Bravissimo's Managing Director, Dean Gaffney, said, "It's an unusual request but we try not to discriminate. Sir Alan has particularly large nipples so we have created a double-gusseted cup to hide all kinds of excitement".

Sir Alan was said to be 'chuffed' with his magenta multi-print moob-holder. "It's dead comfy, I forget I've got it on", said Sir Alan.

When asked whether he was concerned that his potential apprentices might laugh at his unusual undergarment choice he replied "Many respectable businessmen wear ladies underwear. Osama Bin Laden wears a strapless bra on weekdays and Duncan Bannatyne wears tights".

The next series of The Apprentice starts next Wednesday, which coincides with 'National Camisole-wearing Day'.

British icon Paul Daniels found dead

Legendary British magician, Paul Daniels, has died today aged 143.

The micro-magician was found dead near his home in Berkshire after choking on his magic wand. His agent said, "Paul was trying to learn a new magic trick, which sadly backfired". He went on to say "The news comes only days after the man who invented Segways was killed by one. Paul invented magic, and it was magic that killed him".

The pint-sized trickster has graced our living rooms since TV was invented in 1885 with his snazzy magic skills. He was known for his quick-fire fingers, walnut whip toupee and for placing spangley blonds in small boxes and slicing them up.

Paul's wife of 68 years, (the Lovely) Debbie McGee, was thought to be upset by her husband's sudden death, she said "he was my husband".

The news has shocked celebrities from all over the world. Nelson Mandela, a well-known fan of the crinkly midget, made the following statement: "He was my hero and my muse. Without his clever tricks and magic puns I would not be the man I am today."

Lady Gaga will dedicate her next album to Paul, she said, "I blame all these new-fangled magicians like Kenneth Branagh who do these clever things with mind-control or living inside glass boxes. Paul tried to keep up, but in the end it killed him. Tragic magic".

The funeral will be held next week in a small racist London suburb.

Waynetta Slob - Britain's future pin-up?

Britons are getting so fat and ugly that Waynetta Slob will soon be considered a sex symbol, a leading scientist claims.

As the nation tucks into kebabs smothered in lard and chips dipped in raw cholesterol, Britons’ waistlines are expanding by an estimated quarter of an inch a day.

The burgeoning Fat Class can expect to suffer from greasy skin, lank hair and chafed inner thighs. No longer an unfortunate minority, lardy Brits will become the status quo.

An unexpected side effect of this is that our society will begin to re-evaluate what it finds sexy, says Dr Martin Clunes, whose research shows that Waynetta Slob (right), Kathy Burke's slovenly character from a 20th century television show, may soon fit our ideal of beauty.

Dr Clunes’ research team at Tooting University showed hundreds of fatties pictures of other fatties to gauge their reaction as to what they found desirable. The results were surprising.

75 per cent of the chubby participants picked a snap of chubby Jessica Simpson over a pic of a svelte serial killer Rose West, while 80 per cent said they'd rather shag Halle Berry in a fat suit than Sarah Jessica Parker on an average day.

“When I was a lad in the 70s and everyone looked fit, I had Farrah Fawcett on my wall,” Dr Clunes said. “The way we’re going, in 20 years someone like Waynetta Slob will be pinned up in every teenager's room.”

However, he added that teenagers of the future may be too fat even to wank over Waynetta’s floppy funbags. “Britons have stopped exercising. Soon we’ll be too lazy to procreate or even rub one off.”

Mouse bread pulled out of circulation

Mighty White’s new Mighty Mouse loaf has been pulled out of production after disappointingly low sales.

Mighty White had hoped its new bread, featuring a whole organic rodent in every loaf, would appeal to a wide market of children weaned on Pixar film Ratatouille and adults nostalgic for Tom and Jerry. An advertisement, which has since become a Youtube sensation, featured a group of cartoon mice munching cheese on toast and repeating the catchphrase “Get a mouse-ful of Mighty White!”
Instead, the Mighty Mouse Loaf, which went for a rustic, organic look (see picture, above) was greeted with disgust and revulsion by its consumers.

“This is the lowest of the low,” said disgusted mother-of-four Wilhelmina Williams, who bought a loaf, priced at £1.35, out of curiosity. “I was expecting Mickey Mouse but what I got was roadkill.”

“I can’t understand,” said puzzled CEO Brian Harvey. “Mice are cute, they’re furry – what’s the problem?”

The reaction has been at odds with the feedback received from the initial focus group, in which nine out of ten participants said they would buy the product. However, Harvey has since admitted that nine out of the ten participants involved in the focus group were cats.

Mighty White has now reluctantly shelved its plans of kitten baps and goldfish eclairs.

"Dedward" leads Labour

David and Edward Miliband have decided to lead Labour to victory by teaming up together, Jedward style, senior party sources revealed this morning.

"Our quiffs are a 'work in progress'" [and so are our photoshopping skills]

Labour's new leaders are desperate to beat the current ConDem government in the next election. "Two against two is like loads fairer than one against two", said Ed, or was it David? He went on to say "This is about a new future for the Labour Party and we is like so brill we're gonna win".

The brothers have already held talks about getting matching skinny jeans and quiffs, in order to appeal to the 'youth' culture. "We need twelve year-olds to love us, just like Jedward, because those oiks, I mean children will be our voters in a few years time", said one of the irritating tossers.

David Cameron laughed so much when he heard about the new branding idea that he ruptured his innards. However his spleen, Nick Clegg said "Dead wood? If it sounds like a turd and smells like one, it propbably is one"

Dedward are in talks with Simon Cowell about releasing a Christmas single.

Commonwealth's newest games reflect Britain's glorious past

British athletes prepare for the games.

Spectators will be treated to two exciting new sports at this year's Commonweath Games.

As the curtain raises on this year's host Delhi, organisers spoke for the first time about the inspiration between two very special new events.

The games have been held every two years since the Commonwealth was founded in 1240 and began to impose its rule on the world . Every decade, on years that end in a zero, two new sports are added to the programme. This year's were chosen to reflect the Commonwealth’s longstanding tradition of raping, pillaging, and behaving badly on package holidays.

Commonwealth Games Chairman Ricky Hatton said Britain has much to be proud of. "We're known around the world for the delicacy and grace with which we imposed our rule on our colonial children. It's time to reflect that tradition."

The Colonial Charge hearks back to the Colonial pastime of spreading disease among the world's indigenous populations. Athletes will have two hours to go out among the local populace and infect them with old-fashioned diseases such as cholera, typhoid, syphilis and whooping cough. Whoever chalks up the most infections within that time frame will win the gold. “Many of the participants from countries like India, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa will have had ancestors who died from being infected by incumbent white settlers.” said Hatton. “It’s really a fond walk down memory lane.”

The Great British Holiday reflects on the dying years of Colonial rule and will see participants talking loudly at blank-faced foreigners while trying to drink as many vodka and Redbull drinks as they can before it turns 7.30pm while racing for a seat on a cut-price airline and bitching about the weather.

India, which achieved independence in 1948 and at the time was quoted being “chuffed” about it, is said to be ecstatic that Britain is continuing its tradition of spreading racism and disease across the world.

Beckham Amazes USA With His Joined-up Writing

David Beckham stunned wife Victoria yesterday when he presented her with something written in joined-up handwriting.

Victoria rang Gusset News this morning and said "He wrote 'I love you' on a piece of card and the 'love' and 'you' was joined up. He's very clever is my Golden Balls".

David Beckham can now spell 'ball' but is struggling with words like 'crumpet'.

Beckham, who used to play for England, has been practising joined-up writing and colouring-in since 1998. "We've been so impressed with his progress. He never colours off side and no longer dribbles when he sees Cheryl Cole naked", said Victoria. "Next year he's going to start sums and read books with font size as low as 16".

The Beckhams have no other news at this time, are not expecting any more babies and are bonafide and interesting celebrities.

Pope Arrives in Scotland

Pasty-faced Glaswegians await the over-anticipated visit of Pope Benedict the 16th today. The residents of Scotland's roughest town are said to be mildly amused by the arrival of the Catholic leader and some will line the streets and probably soil themselves with apathy as the 'Pope Mobile' passes at 6 mph through the intrepid city centre.

The 'Pope Mobile'

Pope officials said Benedict was 'concerned' that the Queen asked him to enter the UK via Scotland. A Pope colleague told Gusset News: "He's had a rabies inoculation and is taking malaria tablets. He also insists on wearing a bullet-proof vest and mitre".

The Queen is planning a special Scottish feast at Edinburgh's Holyrood House for the Religious Royal. Deep fried haggis will be served from the thighs of a pre-pubescent choir boy and Tennents Special Brew will be 'on tap' from 6am.

The Pope is expected to launch his official commemorative Pope Merchandise later this afternoon.

Scotland has had to place all of its assets in the Aberdeen branch of Cash Converters in order to fund the Pope's visit.

9-11 theme park plan unveiled at Ground Zero

Anti-Islam mouth frothers across America are breathing sighs of relief at the news the contraversial ground-zero mosque will not be built in New York. Instead, developers are planning to build the world's largest terror theme park on the site.

Tentatively named Terror World, the theme park will feature rides like the Twin Towers of Terror, in which thrill-seekers ride a rollercoaster down a stairwell as burning debris rains down upon them from above. The Mosque of Murder will feature actors dressed as Muslims going about their day-to-day terrorist activities and roaming suicide bombers will detonate random punters.

T-shirts will feature popular slogans like "Jihad a good time at Terror World", "See you on the Sunni Side at Terror World" and "I went to Terror World and all I got was this Shi'ite T-Shirt".

Maverick pastor Terry Jones, who had planned to burn a Koran on the ninth anniversary of the World Trade Center bombings yesterday, is calling the move 'the right decision'.

"Putting a place of peace and worship on the Ground Zero site was incredibly insensitive to all those who died. We need something that symbolises America - and what says the US of A better than a good old fashioned funfair and the greasiest burgers around?"

Gutter-sleeping Amy Winehouse in double-yellow shock

A council worker has been sacked after painting double yellow lines over a drunken slag asleep in the gutter, who turned out to be singer Amy Winehouse.

A spokesman from Camden Council said “Our workers have been working around the clock to make sure people can’t park in Camden, fortunately this was the only drugged up drunk reported to be painted over”.

A pensioner saw the Rehab singer with yellow stripes across her flattened belly outside her home after the council workers freshened parking restrictions in the area. She took the picture below on her camera phone and sent it to Gusset News this morning.

She said "the worker could’ve borrowed me shovel to shift the poor drunkard, but he didn’t. It’s shocking”.

Amy Winehouse spent 4 weeks in the gutter and was said to be surprised that nothing worse had happened to her.

Rooney Faces Disrepute Charges

Literally hours before the Euro 2012 Qualifier against Switzerland, England striker Wayne Rooney has been officially warned by Manager, Don ‘Sleep with the fishes’ Vito Capello that he is to be charged with bringing professional prostitution into disrepute.

Wayne with wife Coleen

In a formal letter to the England Team’s HQ in De Wallen, Amsterdam, the professional prostitutes union, Conglomerate of Ladies In Tarty Stuff (C.L.I.T.S) have given their intent to make formal charges against Rooney for bringing the oldest profession in the world into disrepute.

C.L.I.T.S Union Leader, Olga Van Warmer, said that the fact that one of her members did perform a lewd act (orally de-cheesed his member) on Rooney and charge a fee several times over, was not the point. “The fact is that by actively seeking out one of our members to off load his tube-porridge into has done us untold damage professionally; even the pervs in the Cabinet are giving us a wide berth as they now believe that all of the girls service primates likes Rooney and are rightly worried about disease crossing species.

Despite calls for Rooney to be left out of the team for tonight’s qualifier against Switzerland, Manager Don Capello said, “I am-a not-a concer-ned wid heez private-a life. I am-a here-a to put-a de best-a team-a on-a de field and-a vin de game. Besides-a if-a I leave-a Rooney in de hotel for-a more than-a six-a minutes, he-a cost-a me more than-a de whole-a team’s salary in-a phone-a calls and-a johnnys. At-a least when heez on-a da filed, I-a know where-a he is.”

The tart in the middle of this scandal, who specialises in A and O level, ATM and scat and on average turns 17 tricks an hour, is said to be distraught at what Rooney did to her, “I have never been treated this bad by anyone before, my usual punters normally run out without paying after giving me a kicking. Rooney was sick, we agreed a price and he paid me triple that amount and we politely parted company. He’s just sick, really sick”.

When asked what she was going to spend her kiss-and-tell money on, she said, “Well my mum needs an operation, so while she having that done I’ll blow the lot on crack”.

Another spokeswoman for the Union, K. Price said, “When weel these gilz learn, you just ‘ave to marry ‘em and then it’s cushty innit. Easy money.”

Rooney was unavailable for comment as he was playing on his tyre.

MINCH NORTON

Brown has poopy pants, claims Blair

Tony Blair has been hit by backlash after exposing Gordon Brown’s alleged incontinence problems in his new memoir. The former Prime Minister and warlord has had scorn heaped on him from Labour Party members, who are refuting Blair’s claims that Gordon Brown’s pants were constantly mucky.

In chapter five, Blair recounts a trip to Beijing where Brown soiled himself in front of state dignitaries. “It were well funny,” Blair writes, “Gordy couldn’t remember the Mandarin word for ‘toilet’ and ended up shitting himself at a tea ceremony.”

In another incident at Number 10, Brown wet himself in the hallway, causing the German Chancellor Angela Merkel to slip over and sprain her ankle. “Angie smelled like piss all day and had a face like a slapped trout", Blair claimed.

Stinker: Brown waits for parliament to go into recess so he can change his man-nappy.

Brown is not the only PM with grubby pants - David Cameron's well-publicised stint as a Tena Lady spokesperson went some way to destigmatising party leaders' poo problems but the revelation is still a shock for those in the Brown camp.

An unnamed spokesperson for Brown today described the claims as “ludicrous”. “Gordon Brown’s gusset is no one’s business," he said.

The spokesperson has refused to comment on claims that Brown used plastic sheets on his bed in Number 10.

Blair also recounts in the contraversial memoir how he saw Brown getting changed at the gym one day and noticed that the then Chancellor had no pubic hair.

Check out September's HOROSCOPE with Paul the psychic octopus.

Stephen Hawking Says The Sky Is Blue

Britain's best loved scientist and paraplegic Stephen Hawking makes amazing scientific observations like "the sky is blue" in his forthcoming book.

Professor Hawking says in his new book, 'The Grand Design', that yellow snow contains wee-wee, Tony Blair is a massive self-indulgent cunt-faced war criminal worse than Adolf Hitler, and that monkeys are funny.

Hawking explains that the earth is round "like a Babybel"

His book has upset many religious groups around the world, mostly Christian, who felt that dogs were loads more funny than our primate relatives. Reverend Rick Astley from Derby said "I will have to ask God about this. It's an outrage. Next he'll be saying that the moon isn't made of cheese".

Scientists are stunned by Professor Hawking's findings "I can't believe that the earth is round and that potassium does a funny thing in water", said Professor Chesney Hawkes of King's College London. He went on to say, "It's amazing! The fact that humans, who I thought were made of lego, chips and luncheon meat, are actually made of many many cells. We have finally come to an understanding about our universe, it's a scientific breakthrough."

Professor Hawking, who got a 'C' in O-Level science but is still cleverer than Carol Vordeman and Anne Robinson put together, will be appearing in Waterstones next week to sign copies of his new book. You may have to sign it yourself to save time.

Hague Denies Ass Bandit Allegations (and so does his boyfriend)

Current Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs and former dull Tory Leader William Hague has denied allegations made by Fleet Street hacks, that he has been having a gay affair with his personal aide Chris Myers, known as Gloria on the circuit.

Hague has come out to insist that the two close friends only shared hotel rooms in light of the recent MP’s expenses scandal and wanted to show the electorate that they were making a valiant effort to cut back.
In a statement Hague said, “Me and Gloria…er Chris only shared the bed to cut back on expense claims. We shared a pot of Vaseline because we both suffer from chapped lips and we both have membership to the Limelight and Blue Oyster Night Clubs because we like dancing and nothing more”.

When probed further Hague went on, “I am in no way a rear gunner, I had enough of that at public school and I can say that it isn’t for me. I don’t mind a bit of Tea- Bagging but the idea of a plump, nubile, Adonis-like young man handling and licking my gentleman’s sausage in Greek fashion just makes me go weak at the knees… with disgust I mean”.

William Hague takes a time-out to think about bums.

Mr. Hague’s personal assistant and bum-chum Chris Myers has resigned over the allegations citing them as “malicious” and “cruel” but has vowed not to be upset by them as it makes his mascara run.

Hague and Myers, in matching Pilot sunglasses, stood firm for each other when they greeted the press in defiance over the rumours. Hague, sporting a tight fitting capped T-shirt, leather trousers, long key-chain and handlebar moustache and Myers wearing Betty Boo shoes, lederhosen and a blouse by Laura Ashley hissed and scratched their innocence over the rimming & ring splitting rumours to the assembled press hounds before sharing and inserting an earphone each of Hague’s iPod and mincing off to sounds of the Pet Shop Boys.

Myers’ spokesman Marc Almond has appealed for calm and requested that the couple be left alone to sort out their personal life. When asked about Hague’s wife Ffffffffion, Almond said that’s who he meant.

Minch Norton

Barack Obama Ends Combat Mission In Iraq

US Muslim President Barack Obama has officially ended America's controversial combat mission in Iraq - but without declaring it a victory just like the Russians did in Afghanistan in 1988.

In a prime time television address to the nation from the Oval Office, he paid tribute to the Bush dynasty and their multiple oil companies for leading the world to the brink of WW3 and thanked Tony Blair for misleading his Government and the UK population and for having Dr. Kelly snuffed out before he could officially report the lack WMD to the Foreign Affairs Select Committee.

But the president, who opposed the invasion of Iraq in 2003 and once branded the war "dumb", refused to turn the event into a victory lap as it was still Ramadan.

Donning a celebratory Pakul hat and brandishing two Kalashnikovs, Mr Obama told the nation: "I am announcing that the American infidel combat mission in Iraq has ended. Operation Iraqi Freedom is over, and the Iraqi people now have lead responsibility for the security of their country. This hails the dawn of Operation We Now Have Control Over The Oil Fields We Wanted So Bollocks To Them.”

"At every turn, America's men and women in uniform have been shot at, killed and maimed in the name of the Bush’s oil companies. They have served with courage and resolve without question and lets face it, we don’t need any more questions about this shit man; it could become embarrassing dude. As Commander-in-Chief, I am proud of the Taliban…er I mean service. Like all Americans? I am awed by their sacrifice, and by the sacrifices of their families and just thank fuck it wasn’t me getting my ass blown off out there just to make some white dude and his family richer."

Some 50,000 US troops will remain in Iraq with guns, knives, tanks and shit like that until the end of next year as part of "advise and assist brigades" supporting Iraqi troops, more commonly known as “This war isn’t actually the fuck over cos these towel-heads keeps on firing them thar AK47 at my ass”.

Mr Obama added: "Ending this war is not only in Iraq's interest - it is in our own. The United States has paid a huge price to put the future of Iraq in the hands of its people and the control of the oil in the hands of the Bush family. Now, it is time to turn the page and forget about this huge cock-up"

But he went on that the Iraq war "should also serve as a message to the world that the US of A intends to sustain and strengthen our leadership in this young century". To mark this momentous occasion Obama has commissioned a specially decorative prayer mat to send out to all serving troops and a special service of thanks will be the first event held in the giant mosque at Ground Zero once it’s completed.

Every Iraqi resident will receive a special 'Freedom Prayer Mat'

Andrew Gilligan Esq

Jedward joins the Chilean miners

Jedward: utterly pointless

Jedward has been sent deep underground.

The talentless Irish twits have travelled almost half a mile beneath the surface of the earth to deliver a singing telegram to the trapped Chilean miners. The 33 men, who face a three-month wait to be delivered to the surface after part of their mine collapsed, are said to be gobsmacked by the gesture.

Scrawny Jedward was piped down the narrow tube to sing to the fraught men, who can now add “mediocre non-pop” to the list of afflictions they must endure in their underground prison.

Logistics director Hugo Chavez said he was not sure what the Irish twosome would bring to the group, who now have to share air, food and conversation with the newcomers. "We’ve had to send down more food, nappies and suicide pills to the men because of the Jedward,” he said. “Why couldn’t they send the Chuckle Brothers?”

It is unclear who "they" actually is but reports of Simon Cowell being spotted giggling near the mine shaft have prompted speculations that the music mogul is regretting backing the pointless pair and is hoping to literally bury his mistake.

Worryingly for the duo's braindead fans, reports are coming back to the surface that thanks to the language barrier, several of the miners thought Jedward had been sent down as food.

Charlie DOES Konnie UP THE AILSE

Former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq, FAMOUS FOR GETTING HER TITS OUT AND NUMEROUS ACCIDENTAL WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS IN FRONT OF WAITING PAPS, has married TV critic Charlie Brooker, WHO THINKS EVERYTHING ON TV (APART FROM HIS SHIT) IS SHIT, in a ADVENT CROWN MAKING ceremony in Las Vegas, it has been confirmed.

Their engagement was revealed in June after the couple managed to keep their romance a secret (and Konnie managed to keep her tits and flange under wraps) for several months.

The couple are "blissfully happy", according to spokesman John Lesley, who seemed rather upset as he hid behind a bush in his pac-a-mac.

TV critic Brooker fronts the BBC4 show Screenwipe, which is a show in which the acidic presenter voices his opinionated pseudo-intelligent rantings about how absolutely everyone and everything on TV is either shit, dumbed-down or really, really shit, was nominated for a Bafta earlier this year. Surprisingly enough, Brooker never criticised his own abysmal attempt at writing black (comedy?) drama in his highly original (yawn) DEAD SET, about zombies (yawwwn) in the Big Brother house (YAWWWWWN). However, Brooker takes great delight in launching scathing attacks on consumer driven, lowest common denominator, throw-away, unintelligent programming that appeals to the brain dead masses such as talent shows like The X Factor, Britain’s Got Delusional Wankers and Fuck My Gran.

Huq, 35, recently took over from Holly Willoughby as the host of ITV2's Xtra Factor - the X Factor's spin off show. She presented Blue Peter for 11 years and was many a school boys’ (and posh, liberal Dads’) wank material between 1997 and 2008.

Huq said in a recent interview they were well matched: "We are very well suited. He hates everything I like and do. It all started on the set of BP when Richard Bacon asked me if I liked Charlie… Oops is that my knickers on the floor." she told Look magazine.

When asked how the couple would spend their honeymoon, Huq announced that she plans to get royally shafted by her new man while he shouts obscenities and criticises her. But when the subject of starting a family came up, Huq ruled out having children straight away as her career comes first. She then went on to say that she would be making special Blue Peter condoms out of a cardboard toilet roll tube, some clingfilm and sticky back plastic. She then produced three condom models at different stages of construction before exposing her breasts.

MINCH NORTON

Robbie In More Media Attention Seeking Shock

After un-gay Robbie Williams’ publicity stunt of marrying his lipo-suctioned auntie failed to whip the media up into a feeding frenzy earlier this month, Gusset News has been told exclusively by the stars PR Manager, a Mr. Bob Villiams (who sounded remarkably like our Robbie speaking with a handkerchief over the mouth piece of his phone) that Robbie is to rejoin TAKE THAT when they tour next summer.

The lads from TAKE THAT who have gone on to reach unprecedented success around the world, winning every music award going and topping every chart since Robbie Williams left in 1995 are said to be completely underwhelmed at the announcement.

 un-gay TAKE THAT! in their prime in 1987 (Robbie is the fat on on the right)

Frontman Gary Barlow has confirmed that “Blobby” has indeed managed to blag his way on to their tour but stated that Williams would definitely not be back for good. “We’ve done alright without Fatty and he still can’t sing, write or play anything so I can’t see what he could bring to the table now… apart from a box of doughnuts.”

Jason Orange summed up the bands feelings when he said, “There’s only so many times you can sing Angels and charge three-hundred quid a head for it. And even then, that git holds his mic out and tells the audience to sing it for him. Fuckin’ wanker”.

Mark Owen, considered the gay member of the band, said that, “I’ve built my career on being available to both sexes even though I have a wife and 37 kids now. Its part of being in the business but to have gay Robbie back in an un-gay way just sucks… in an un-gay way of course. This band isn’t big enough for two pink pound appealing poo-jabbers”.

Howard Donald was too stoned to comment.

The deal to take Robbie back for part of the tour next summer was facilitated by the TAKE THAT management and some old bag who was insisting that she was Robbie’s wife according to an inside source. But the agreement has meant Robbie has had to pay TAKE THAT 12 billion pounds to be included in the tour but he does get a writing credit built into it on the new single called SHAME written entirely by Barlow.

“It’s just a shame that SHAME sounds like a rip-off of BLACKBIRD by THE BEATLES really.” said one unimpressed Radio 1 DJ. Several fans have gone online to note the similarity between the two songs too.

Williams has denied this latest move as a publicity stunt to try and rekindle his flagging career. Meanwhile his PR manager “Bob” has just released another exclusive that Robbie is set to pilot the space shuttle and marry Susan Boyle.

Shame is released on October 4.

MINCH NORTON

Baby Number 3 Moves Into Number 10

Prime Ministers’ and now proud gay fathers, Mr. David Cameron and Mrs. Nick Clegg, have become only the third serving PM’s in modern times to have a baby while in No. 10. The first was Lord John Russell who was prime minister when he became a father on July 11, 1849, which was followed by Tony Blair with the birth of his son Leo on May 20th 2000.

David Cameron, brimming with pride, announced the birth of their daughter to the assembled press who had gathered outside a stable in Truro, Cornwall on 24th August 2010. Asked if they had decided on a name, Dave said they had settled on Florence David Rose Nick Endellion Ming Thatcher Paddy Gordon Kennedy Major Steel Duncan Cable Smith Clegg Cameron Clegg Cameron Clegg Clegg Clegg Cameron Cameron Clegg-Cameron, adding that it was a real coalition name to epitomise the bright new future under the new Government.

The new parents share an embrace outside their home.

Downing Street said that the happy couple had received congratulatory messages from the Queen, the Prince of Wales and his horse, Gordon and Sarah Brown, mini French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his concubines, Elton John, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Quentin Crisp, Gary Glitter, Gay News and God.

Nick was due to give birth in mid-September but began to have contractions after a particularly hot curry and some après dinner bum-fun with some invited state dignitaries. He was taken by car at about 8am on Tuesday for a check-up at a hospital close by and the horrifically ugly baby was delivered by penile-caesarean section shortly before lunchtime using keyhole surgical methods performed through a glory hole.

David Cameron said on Tuesday: "Everything seemed to go fine. Nick woke up this morning and thought he was having ring-piece contractions and it was all beginning to get going so we thought we'd come to the hospital just to get everything checked out. Then things sped up and it all happened very, very quickly and the baby popped out of his bell-end at about 12 o'clock while I was eating my lunch”

He continued, "It seemed to be doing fine and my job was to make the toast and tea and things like that. It's absolutely thrilling, really exciting, and it's just lovely that Nick and baby are doing so well. I’m really going to get smashed tonight; I’ve already done a few lines to celebrate."

The Prime Minister said he was “shocked” by the early arrival. “I always thought it was possible because Nick had been restless for a couple of days and wouldn’t let me in balls deep, so to speak. The next thing I knew we had a baby. Fuck! Bastard told me he was on the pill.”

MINCH NORTON

Nick Clegg books 'temp' to cover PM role

It's not every day that an employment agency receives a phone call from the deputy prime minister of Great Britain asking for a 'temp'.

Staff at Reed Employment in High Holborn were surprised yet listless when they received the booking from Parliament, but dealt with the situation quickly and professionally yesterday. Branch manager Peggy Wilcox told Gusset News: "Nick Clegg just like rang up. He asked for a temp to cover the Prime Minister for two weeks, covering paternity leave or something".

Prime Minister David Cameron went on paternity leave at short notice yesterday after the unexpected premature birth of his baby daughter, named Florence Combine-Harvester Endellion Cameron, in a hospital in Cornwall.

Nick Clegg tries to operate the laminating machine

Nick Clegg rang the temping agency after panicking that he couldn't work the franking machine and was confused by the V: Lookup function on MS excel. Mrs Wilcox said, "He sent us a job description, bless him. It had three typos and included phrases like 'must know how to cut NHS budgets and work as part of a team'".

Reed Employment have finished shortlisting CVs and plan to send in twenty one year-old Tracy Stanton, a recent geography graduate who has used four different types of switchboards and can find the 'insert a table' function on the 2007 version of MS Word.

Tracy starts work at 9am tomorrow on a competitive rate of £10.50 per hour (including holiday pay).

Boris unrepentant after toddler tanty

Boris Johnson threw a paddy in Central London's Regent Street today, throwing his favourite red ball into the street.

The London Mayor was told by staff at toy store Hamley's that he was "too old and too big" to go on the Wibbly Wobbly Wabbit ride, a miniature, rabbit-themed train ride for under-fives.



The flop-haired toff ran outside screaming and threw his treasured red ball, 'binky bongle', into the street.

The sulky mayor then instructed London Metropolitan officers to close the surrounding roads to traffic to search for binky bongle, an operation that cost taxpayers £35,000.

Boris was given a glass of tepid milk and sent to bed. A representative from the mayoral office said Boris was "overtired".

Police Ban on Genitals

The Police force came under scrutiny this week for having inappropriate genitals.

Chiefs are to impose a major crack-down on police genitals such as cock and flange, but will also ban nipples and bums. At a press conference this morning, Chief Superintendent Percy Forncloth said “officers are unable to catch criminals because their genitals get in the way”.

He went on to say, “the police force should have smooth areas like Action Man, Barbie and The Smurfs”.

Police have been ordered to remove all genitalia of an appropriate nature by the end of the year.

Officers say they should be allowed to decide whether or not they have genitals while catching criminals. “I love my cock and never get it out when I’m chasing robbers, it’s not fair”, an angry officer told Gusset News today.

The Police Force say they will carry out random spot checks next year. Any officers with genitalia shall be removed from the beat and made to do filing, tea-making or filling in forms.

Cheryl Cole to be infected with Aids virus

The publicity surrounding Cheryl Cole’s malaria treatment has been so effective that her PR team is considering having the singer contract the Aids virus.

Cheryl, 27, contracted malaria on a visit to Tanzania with her boyfriend Derek Hough. Upon her return to England she became ill and Hough quickly called The Mirror and The Sun before rushing her to hospital.

Fortunately for the future of pop music, the singer is now on the mend and is planning to return to Africa to hand out mosquito nets in a bid to send sales of her latest album, I’m Not a Racist Because I’ve Been to Africa, through the roof.

Cheryl’s PR team, who smoothed the waters after the singer and X Factor judge assaulted a black toilet attendant in 2003, are excited about further opportunities for the entertainer.

“The whole country fell to its knees when Cheryl was admitted to hospital,” PR guru Max Clifford said. “They completely forgot that she can’t sing well and that she hit that black woman and called her a ‘black bitch’ in 2003. Cheryl is like a racist Princess Diana.”

Sick: Cheryl Cole's impractical wardrobe meant she was fair game for mozzies.

Clifford is in talks with doctors about having Cheryl infected with the Aids virus. If handled correctly, the virus could bring about benefit concerts and enormously successful singles for the purveyor of forgettable pop.

“With today’s medicine, it’s still possible to live normally with the Aids virus,” said Clifford. “Cheryl will have a good ten years – which also happens to be the lifespan of a mediocre popstar.”

Dr Kelly investigation was led by a dinner lady

A ‘forensic scientist’ who investigated the death Dr David Kelly was in fact a dinner lady called Maureen.


The Government report, found on a bus by our Gusset reporter, reveals that the dinner lady had no formal training in forensic science but ‘once saw a trailer for CSI and looked intelligent with a clipboard’.

There are calls for a new inquiry into the death of Dr Kelly, a weapons inspector, who apparently committed suicide (but was probably murdered) after he said that the Government “sexed-up” a dossier that made it look cool to bomb a Middle East country that had loads of oil that Britain and America could ‘take over’.

Senior detectives last night expressed surprise that a dinner lady had been sent to the scene when Dr Kelly’s body was found in a forest near his home in 2003.

Before the dinner lady was asked to investigate Dr. Kelly’s death she had spent most of her working life at a small infant school in Wigan. “A man who said he was from the Government asked me if I knew anything about forensic science, so I says ‘no’, so he says ‘great, we need you to do this job...” said Maureen, who’s now retired as a dinner lady.

The dinner lady’s suicide verdict on Dr. Kelly’s death has now been questioned by leading doctors, lawyers and catering staff who support the demand for a full inquest.

The dinner lady was not called to give evidence at the inquiry because she had to help serve orange squash at the school play.

Tony Blair, an unconvicted war criminal who now works for a Middle East country with loads of oil, said “it is common knowledge that forensic scientists should go to college and be qualified, and stuff, so I have no idea how or why a dinner lady ended up leading this investigation”.

The new inquiry will now be carried out by a chef from Bolton.

£72 Billion Debt Forces MOD To Buy Tesco Range

Dr. Liam Fox, The Secretary of State for Defence, has today unveiled his massive cutbacks in MOD spending. Citing the £72 billion worth of debt left by the previous Labour Government as the cause for the severe money saving strategy, Dr. Fox said that “…the Labour chickens had come home to roost”. In the strictest cutbacks since Lord Kitchener ordered the front line troops of the Great War to “Bombard the bosche with empty bully beef tins” in an effort to save on ammunition costs, Dr. Fox has stated that the Military Chiefs will now be held accountable and have more say in how their budget is spent. Canceling all orders for new weapons and equipment from the US, BAE, France and the Taliban, the Secretary for State has issued each Military Chief with their own Club Card and instructions to purchase weapons, ammunition, equipment and various land, sea and air craft from the recently launched Tesco value range of defence products.

“With double points on everything over fifty quid, we’re on a win-win deal with Tesco”, the Secretary said.

When questioned if he thought that the blue and white striped design of the Tesco value range of military clothing for example, may make British soldiers stand out in the killing fields in Afghanistan and Iraq, Dr Fox stated that, “Just by moving our purchases to the value range we will save an estimated £21 billion just on uniforms alone. Our overall plan is then to replace our EuroFighter Typhoon Jets with Cessna crop spraying planes at a saving of £3.4 billion, which will then fly over the combat zones spraying blue and white stripes across the battle field, making our boys on the front line almost completely invisible”.

When challenged further on the effectiveness of catapults firing dried peas against the favoured RPG of the Taliban, Dr. Fox commented that, “Dennis The Menace and The Bash Street Kids have successfully used the catapult for years with glowing results, and there is nothing worse than the sting of a dried pea hitting you on the earlobe to really demoralize your enemy”.

Further cuts will see the Challenger 2 British Army battle tanks being phased out and replaced with Halfords own brand mountain bikes over the next six months. And the infantry’s full kit will now include a sewing needle and thread, with instructions to repair any bullet holes that may be accumulated in the line of duty before passing out and dying. Failure to render the uniform fit to be ‘handed down’ will result in Court-Martial.

In a bid to lead by example Dr. Fox said he will continue to advertise bingo and donate 2% of his fee to the MOD fund.

Minch Norton

Prince Charles' shock Islam conversion

Prince Charles has converted to Islam in a bid to make the Royal Family more multicultural.

Although the monarchy has traditionally avoided associating with brown people, their waning popularity has prompted a move to get with the times. Charles was picked because the family unanimously agreed that he’d look the most awkward in flowing robes.

“The Royal Family has always been seen as a bit out of touch,” said the Windsors’ PR department. “This is a way of bringing a square, racist family into the 21^st century.”

Prince Charles has embraced the move and has been spotted praying at the Windsor mosque, speed-reading the Koran and devising mnemonics to memorise the five pillars of Islam: fire, water, earth, wind and heart.

The move comes as Muslims worldwide celebrate Ramadam. During the Muslim holy month Charles must refrain from eating, drinking, or riding wife Camilla Parker-Bowles during daylight hours. Parker-Bowles, who has had to convert along with her husband, is said to be livid about the move. However, she calmed down after receiving a sound beating from the heir to the throne after forgetting her burka on a lunchtime trip to Greggs.

Charles has used his newfound powers of Islam to put a jihad on the Queen after she mistakenly threw away his blanky.

Prince Phillip, well known for his racist rants, called his son a “curry-munching towel-head” and burnt a Q’uran at his gentleman's club in protest, a move which has enraged Mohammed.

The PR department’s other plans to funkify the palace include finally allowing Prince Edward to come out of the closet and having the Queen team up with Snoop Dog on his next album.