Barack Obama Ends Combat Mission In Iraq

US Muslim President Barack Obama has officially ended America's controversial combat mission in Iraq - but without declaring it a victory just like the Russians did in Afghanistan in 1988.

In a prime time television address to the nation from the Oval Office, he paid tribute to the Bush dynasty and their multiple oil companies for leading the world to the brink of WW3 and thanked Tony Blair for misleading his Government and the UK population and for having Dr. Kelly snuffed out before he could officially report the lack WMD to the Foreign Affairs Select Committee.

But the president, who opposed the invasion of Iraq in 2003 and once branded the war "dumb", refused to turn the event into a victory lap as it was still Ramadan.

Donning a celebratory Pakul hat and brandishing two Kalashnikovs, Mr Obama told the nation: "I am announcing that the American infidel combat mission in Iraq has ended. Operation Iraqi Freedom is over, and the Iraqi people now have lead responsibility for the security of their country. This hails the dawn of Operation We Now Have Control Over The Oil Fields We Wanted So Bollocks To Them.”

"At every turn, America's men and women in uniform have been shot at, killed and maimed in the name of the Bush’s oil companies. They have served with courage and resolve without question and lets face it, we don’t need any more questions about this shit man; it could become embarrassing dude. As Commander-in-Chief, I am proud of the Taliban…er I mean service. Like all Americans? I am awed by their sacrifice, and by the sacrifices of their families and just thank fuck it wasn’t me getting my ass blown off out there just to make some white dude and his family richer."

Some 50,000 US troops will remain in Iraq with guns, knives, tanks and shit like that until the end of next year as part of "advise and assist brigades" supporting Iraqi troops, more commonly known as “This war isn’t actually the fuck over cos these towel-heads keeps on firing them thar AK47 at my ass”.

Mr Obama added: "Ending this war is not only in Iraq's interest - it is in our own. The United States has paid a huge price to put the future of Iraq in the hands of its people and the control of the oil in the hands of the Bush family. Now, it is time to turn the page and forget about this huge cock-up"

But he went on that the Iraq war "should also serve as a message to the world that the US of A intends to sustain and strengthen our leadership in this young century". To mark this momentous occasion Obama has commissioned a specially decorative prayer mat to send out to all serving troops and a special service of thanks will be the first event held in the giant mosque at Ground Zero once it’s completed.

Every Iraqi resident will receive a special 'Freedom Prayer Mat'

Andrew Gilligan Esq

Dr Kelly investigation was led by a dinner lady

A ‘forensic scientist’ who investigated the death Dr David Kelly was in fact a dinner lady called Maureen.


The Government report, found on a bus by our Gusset reporter, reveals that the dinner lady had no formal training in forensic science but ‘once saw a trailer for CSI and looked intelligent with a clipboard’.

There are calls for a new inquiry into the death of Dr Kelly, a weapons inspector, who apparently committed suicide (but was probably murdered) after he said that the Government “sexed-up” a dossier that made it look cool to bomb a Middle East country that had loads of oil that Britain and America could ‘take over’.

Senior detectives last night expressed surprise that a dinner lady had been sent to the scene when Dr Kelly’s body was found in a forest near his home in 2003.

Before the dinner lady was asked to investigate Dr. Kelly’s death she had spent most of her working life at a small infant school in Wigan. “A man who said he was from the Government asked me if I knew anything about forensic science, so I says ‘no’, so he says ‘great, we need you to do this job...” said Maureen, who’s now retired as a dinner lady.

The dinner lady’s suicide verdict on Dr. Kelly’s death has now been questioned by leading doctors, lawyers and catering staff who support the demand for a full inquest.

The dinner lady was not called to give evidence at the inquiry because she had to help serve orange squash at the school play.

Tony Blair, an unconvicted war criminal who now works for a Middle East country with loads of oil, said “it is common knowledge that forensic scientists should go to college and be qualified, and stuff, so I have no idea how or why a dinner lady ended up leading this investigation”.

The new inquiry will now be carried out by a chef from Bolton.