Jimmy Savile’s Ghost Caught Molesting Children

Even death hasn’t stopped Jimmy Savile from molesting children claims a new report.

New Scotland Yard published a report today stating that Sir Jimmy Savile has allegedly fiddled with seventeen kids since his death less than a year ago.

Jimmy in his heyday, probably thinking about kids

Witnesses state they saw the spirit of the late Top of the Pops presenter loitering outside a sweet shop in Peckham. “The dodgy looking ghoul seemed to groan in pleasure as my son exited the shop with a dib dab”. Said Judy Dench from the Old Kent Road. The mother of three went on to describe how the ghost rubbed it’s thighs as other children came out with bacon crisps.

The BBC denies these claims stating that that the Jim’ll Fix It ghost merely has a penchant for sherbet and Frazzles.

A spokesman for New Scotland Yard said that a warrant was out for Savile’s arrest but the spirit has walked through six police vehicles already. “Only Derek Acorah can help us now” said the chief of police.

Other parents claim that the paedo poltergeist followed some teenagers to school and got it's bum out in Mothercare. 

Police Ban on Genitals

The Police force came under scrutiny this week for having inappropriate genitals.

Chiefs are to impose a major crack-down on police genitals such as cock and flange, but will also ban nipples and bums. At a press conference this morning, Chief Superintendent Percy Forncloth said “officers are unable to catch criminals because their genitals get in the way”.

He went on to say, “the police force should have smooth areas like Action Man, Barbie and The Smurfs”.

Police have been ordered to remove all genitalia of an appropriate nature by the end of the year.

Officers say they should be allowed to decide whether or not they have genitals while catching criminals. “I love my cock and never get it out when I’m chasing robbers, it’s not fair”, an angry officer told Gusset News today.

The Police Force say they will carry out random spot checks next year. Any officers with genitalia shall be removed from the beat and made to do filing, tea-making or filling in forms.

Gazza "chuffed" at Negotiator role

Home Secretary Theresa May has confirmed today that the police will now use Paul (Gazza) Gascoigne in all future police hostage negotiations.


Gazza brought chicken parmo, a negligee and a fishing rod to the hostage scene with Raoul Moat in the early hours of Sunday morning, but police refused to let the ex-Newcastle striker through the cordon.

Raoul Moat killed himself during the six hour stand off after police shot the moon-faced mentalist with taser guns. “If they let Gazza through, he could have saved him. I just know it”, said May at a police press conference this morning. “Police need to make radical changes to the way they negotiate with hostages, and Gazza’s tactics are the way forward”.

Gazza was said to be delighted at the news, “Eeh! Aye cannae believe it, I’m meed up. Will need a new shell suit leek”, said the ex-wife beater.

May confirmed the need to restore the police’s reputation after the major cock-up during the weekend’s negotiations in the North East. “The police need to learn from Gazza’s chicken and lager methods, it’s what all murderers need when under pressure”. She was applauded as she announced the 43 year-old football hero would lead the way. “Who knows, we may even use him for future terrorist negotiations”.

Jaywalkers to Face up to Fours Years in Prison

A cutback in government funding has lead to the Police Force implementing a series of new crimes to raise revenue.

Chief of Police Detective Constable Peter Sutcliffe said “this new measure not only helps us with the deficit loss from the government but will also help us crack down on crime which can only be better for everyone, can’t it! Plus we’re getting new gold plated helmets which is ace.”

The list of 137 new crimes was published today, but won’t be effective until Thursday next week. The list includes:

Barging with intent: a person bumping into another person in the street could now be fined up to £1000. This has enraged City workers in London “How am I supposed to get to my office if I don’t barge into at least five people wearing a less expensive suit that me!” said banker Justin Flannel from Balham.

Jaywalking: most shocking on the new list is that jaywalkers can now face up to four years in prison. Local residents in the town of Bromsgrove are in protest and plan to Jaywalk local cross roads every day until Thursday .

Swearing: Unless you have a recognised impairment such as Tourettes Syndrome, swearers can face between £80 and £2000 depending on the offensive word. “Bum, tits and minge-flaps cost £80 per offence, but C*nt and Nigg*r are at the top of the scale at £2000 a piece” Sutcliffe shouted as he was arrested by a colleague.

Flatulence on public transport: It will now only be legal to fart on trains, buses and tubes between 7am and 7pm. Pensioner Maureen Jiggings said “this is ridiculous, how are we expected to hold in a guff between Mile End and Bow!”

The list also includes winking with intent, mincing in white jeans, pigeon licking, denying the existence of zombies and buying porn on a Sunday.

Farting in areoplanes will remain legal until the volcano cloud disperses.