Monday, 12 July 2010

Gazza "chuffed" at Negotiator role

Home Secretary Theresa May has confirmed today that the police will now use Paul (Gazza) Gascoigne in all future police hostage negotiations.

Gazza brought chicken parmo, a negligee and a fishing rod to the hostage scene with Raoul Moat in the early hours of Sunday morning, but police refused to let the ex-Newcastle striker through the cordon.

Raoul Moat killed himself during the six hour stand off after police shot the moon-faced mentalist with taser guns. “If they let Gazza through, he could have saved him. I just know it”, said May at a police press conference this morning. “Police need to make radical changes to the way they negotiate with hostages, and Gazza’s tactics are the way forward”.

Gazza was said to be delighted at the news, “Eeh! Aye cannae believe it, I’m meed up. Will need a new shell suit leek”, said the ex-wife beater.

May confirmed the need to restore the police’s reputation after the major cock-up during the weekend’s negotiations in the North East. “The police need to learn from Gazza’s chicken and lager methods, it’s what all murderers need when under pressure”. She was applauded as she announced the 43 year-old football hero would lead the way. “Who knows, we may even use him for future terrorist negotiations”.

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