Brown has poopy pants, claims Blair

Tony Blair has been hit by backlash after exposing Gordon Brown’s alleged incontinence problems in his new memoir. The former Prime Minister and warlord has had scorn heaped on him from Labour Party members, who are refuting Blair’s claims that Gordon Brown’s pants were constantly mucky.

In chapter five, Blair recounts a trip to Beijing where Brown soiled himself in front of state dignitaries. “It were well funny,” Blair writes, “Gordy couldn’t remember the Mandarin word for ‘toilet’ and ended up shitting himself at a tea ceremony.”

In another incident at Number 10, Brown wet himself in the hallway, causing the German Chancellor Angela Merkel to slip over and sprain her ankle. “Angie smelled like piss all day and had a face like a slapped trout", Blair claimed.

Stinker: Brown waits for parliament to go into recess so he can change his man-nappy.

Brown is not the only PM with grubby pants - David Cameron's well-publicised stint as a Tena Lady spokesperson went some way to destigmatising party leaders' poo problems but the revelation is still a shock for those in the Brown camp.

An unnamed spokesperson for Brown today described the claims as “ludicrous”. “Gordon Brown’s gusset is no one’s business," he said.

The spokesperson has refused to comment on claims that Brown used plastic sheets on his bed in Number 10.

Blair also recounts in the contraversial memoir how he saw Brown getting changed at the gym one day and noticed that the then Chancellor had no pubic hair.

Cameron, Clegg bring 'Politics to Peasants'

MINCH NORTON

In copycat style of Gordon Brown, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, held his first non-London based Cabinet meeting up North. Reports state the venue was in a place called Bradford but as anywhere North of London does not yet have electricity, roads or the combustion engine, this can neither be confirmed nor denied.

This jolly £200k jaunt is part of the Camer-Clegg PR campaign (pinched from the old New Labour administration) to bring ‘Politics to Peasants’ and is designed to boost the economic growth around the country and up North too.

“It is vitally important that we come to the heart of Britain and show these peasants that we stand shoulder to shoulder with them, just like all these minarets, in our determination to reduce the national deficit”, said Cameron as he donned a flat cap and whippet skin waistcoat.

Defending allegations that Prime Minister Clegg had “sold out” to form part of a coalition, Prime Minister Cameron insisted: “Nicky has been a major influence in all decision making. He decides what we have for tea, the theme of our dinner parties and buys my clothes. It really is a partnership.”

When asked to explain his Government's decision to cut unemployment benefit by 38 per cent in an area with 97 per cent unemployment like Bradford, a defiant Prime Minister Cameron claimed, “we all have to make sacrifices to get this country back in the black. And I mean all of us; I even had to settle for the filet mignon for lunch.”

Cameron and Clegg: "we're a partnership"

Speaking to the locals through an interpreter, the Prime Ministers made an elegant couple in matching Conran barely-black suits with underarm manbags. At one point they instructed one of their aides to hand out bars of coal tar soap to the crowd of seven who had been rounded up to witness this historic and patronising visit.

Wham, bam: Cam's new ham

David Cameron will undergo an operation to have his penis enlarged, it has been revealed today.

Before Cameron came to power he had to undergo a full medical evaluation. The Tory leader became insecure when the doctor performing the medical pointed out that he didn’t quite match up to his previous office holders.

Parliament legend says former PM Tony Blair’s immense confidence came from the fact that he was “swinging a nine” down there. Another source has told us that once when Gordon Brown was getting out of the shower, a neighbour’s son saw him and asked his parents "why is that man waving a marrow about in the bathroom?"

Although our sources would not give specifics, Cameron is alleged to have the manhood of a 10-year-old. The surgery is scheduled to take place in the next two weeks, by a top Harley Street plastic surgeon, allegedly the same man who was responsible for Gail Porter’s hair rejuvenation and the re-shaping of Lesley Ash’s lips.

Although the PM was unavailable for comment an aide said, ‘If this doc can put anywhere near as much size on Dave’s chopper as he did on Miss Ash’s lips, I’m sure he and Sam will both be very happy.” We wish Cameron well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Luke Triapathy

Undead shuffle into Downing Street

As Britons all over the country awoke to the prospect of a hung parliament today, one party is dead keen to get a slice of coalition action.

The Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality party’s unexpected election success has shocked political commentators and now CURE hope to gain further influence by joining Labour in forming a new government.

CURE received 482,000 votes, earning them six parliamentary seats and the attention of Gordon Brown, who is desperately casting around to form a Labour-led coalition government.

CURE candidate for Brighton and Hove Jeremy Beadle said the high number of votes received was “great news” – but not entirely unexpected. Polls and surveys tend to ignore the undead, meaning they are not represented in society. “Most undead keep themselves to themselves, hanging round cemeteries and industrial estates.” Beadle said.

This undead voter is in the minority, Beadle says. "Why can't we all just get along?"

Joining Labour in forming a new government would change this imbalance. “Brown has been dead for many years and knows all too well the level of discrimination and loneliness that the non-living experience,” Beadle said.

The pair met at Downing Street this morning to begin preliminary talks. “As soon as I shook his cold, dead hand and looked into his blank eyes I knew we were off to a winning start.”

Beadle has vehemently denied that greater undead influence in the sphere of power would lead to an influx of undead entering the country and stealing our jobs and women.

"The undead just want to be contributing members of society. They are for the most part highly educated and eager to work. We don't discriminate against people who are fat or Asian - why should we discriminate against someone simply because they don't breathe and sometimes shed rotting lumps of flesh?"

Meanwhile, a number of CURE voters missed the 10pm voting cut off thanks to their slow, shambling gait. Many were waiting in long queues last night to cast their ballot, while some were turned away altogether.

Undead voter Ima Rotten said people needed to learn that the undead were “just like everyone else – except dead. “We're a peaceful race, we're not like the undead portrayed in films, only a small minority go around biting people.”

See CURE's manifesto here.

Brown on crazed anti-Tory rampage

Reports that Gordon Brown has been adopting some unusual campaigning methods in the lead up to today’s general election have shocked the nation.

Late last night Brown was reportedly seen donning a black uniform and camouflage paint before getting into a black Ford transit van and wheel spinning away from Number 10 Downing Street.

He resurfaced in the traditional Tory constituency of Bromley and Chislehurst, where greengrocer Stan Ramsbottom says he heard a knock at the door at around 11.30pm. As he approached the door Mr Brown allegedly kicked it in and lunged at him. As he desperately fought the crazed Prime Minister off, the 68-year-old heard Brown scream, "You Tory shits are all the same, vote for Labour or I’ll be coming back for your kneecaps!"

Ramsbottom, who needed medical attention after the late-night visit, said Brown "smelled like he’d been drinking since early afternoon."

"He were clearly very angry that I wasn’t voting for him in election. I didn’t get chance to tell him that I’m not even eligible!" When asked how he could be sure that the attacker had been the country's leader Mr Ramsbottom replied 'It were obvious! He just had a bit of paint smeared above his eyes.'

Brown denied the allegations, calling the story ‘a Tory plot to discredit his campaign." However, CCTV footage sent into Gusset News this morning clearly shows a wild eyed Brown forcing his way into properties across the Bromley and Chislehurst area. The evidence has been sent to the PM’s advisors and we are currently waiting for a response.

Labour's majority has been steadily falling in the last fortnight but this desperate act will come as a genuine shock to the people of Great Britain and can surely only lead to a further dip in the Scot's popularity.