Hague Denies Ass Bandit Allegations (and so does his boyfriend)

Current Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs and former dull Tory Leader William Hague has denied allegations made by Fleet Street hacks, that he has been having a gay affair with his personal aide Chris Myers, known as Gloria on the circuit.

Hague has come out to insist that the two close friends only shared hotel rooms in light of the recent MP’s expenses scandal and wanted to show the electorate that they were making a valiant effort to cut back.
In a statement Hague said, “Me and Gloria…er Chris only shared the bed to cut back on expense claims. We shared a pot of Vaseline because we both suffer from chapped lips and we both have membership to the Limelight and Blue Oyster Night Clubs because we like dancing and nothing more”.

When probed further Hague went on, “I am in no way a rear gunner, I had enough of that at public school and I can say that it isn’t for me. I don’t mind a bit of Tea- Bagging but the idea of a plump, nubile, Adonis-like young man handling and licking my gentleman’s sausage in Greek fashion just makes me go weak at the knees… with disgust I mean”.

William Hague takes a time-out to think about bums.

Mr. Hague’s personal assistant and bum-chum Chris Myers has resigned over the allegations citing them as “malicious” and “cruel” but has vowed not to be upset by them as it makes his mascara run.

Hague and Myers, in matching Pilot sunglasses, stood firm for each other when they greeted the press in defiance over the rumours. Hague, sporting a tight fitting capped T-shirt, leather trousers, long key-chain and handlebar moustache and Myers wearing Betty Boo shoes, lederhosen and a blouse by Laura Ashley hissed and scratched their innocence over the rimming & ring splitting rumours to the assembled press hounds before sharing and inserting an earphone each of Hague’s iPod and mincing off to sounds of the Pet Shop Boys.

Myers’ spokesman Marc Almond has appealed for calm and requested that the couple be left alone to sort out their personal life. When asked about Hague’s wife Ffffffffion, Almond said that’s who he meant.

Minch Norton

Robbie In More Media Attention Seeking Shock

After un-gay Robbie Williams’ publicity stunt of marrying his lipo-suctioned auntie failed to whip the media up into a feeding frenzy earlier this month, Gusset News has been told exclusively by the stars PR Manager, a Mr. Bob Villiams (who sounded remarkably like our Robbie speaking with a handkerchief over the mouth piece of his phone) that Robbie is to rejoin TAKE THAT when they tour next summer.

The lads from TAKE THAT who have gone on to reach unprecedented success around the world, winning every music award going and topping every chart since Robbie Williams left in 1995 are said to be completely underwhelmed at the announcement.

 un-gay TAKE THAT! in their prime in 1987 (Robbie is the fat on on the right)

Frontman Gary Barlow has confirmed that “Blobby” has indeed managed to blag his way on to their tour but stated that Williams would definitely not be back for good. “We’ve done alright without Fatty and he still can’t sing, write or play anything so I can’t see what he could bring to the table now… apart from a box of doughnuts.”

Jason Orange summed up the bands feelings when he said, “There’s only so many times you can sing Angels and charge three-hundred quid a head for it. And even then, that git holds his mic out and tells the audience to sing it for him. Fuckin’ wanker”.

Mark Owen, considered the gay member of the band, said that, “I’ve built my career on being available to both sexes even though I have a wife and 37 kids now. Its part of being in the business but to have gay Robbie back in an un-gay way just sucks… in an un-gay way of course. This band isn’t big enough for two pink pound appealing poo-jabbers”.

Howard Donald was too stoned to comment.

The deal to take Robbie back for part of the tour next summer was facilitated by the TAKE THAT management and some old bag who was insisting that she was Robbie’s wife according to an inside source. But the agreement has meant Robbie has had to pay TAKE THAT 12 billion pounds to be included in the tour but he does get a writing credit built into it on the new single called SHAME written entirely by Barlow.

“It’s just a shame that SHAME sounds like a rip-off of BLACKBIRD by THE BEATLES really.” said one unimpressed Radio 1 DJ. Several fans have gone online to note the similarity between the two songs too.

Williams has denied this latest move as a publicity stunt to try and rekindle his flagging career. Meanwhile his PR manager “Bob” has just released another exclusive that Robbie is set to pilot the space shuttle and marry Susan Boyle.

Shame is released on October 4.

MINCH NORTON

Baby Number 3 Moves Into Number 10

Prime Ministers’ and now proud gay fathers, Mr. David Cameron and Mrs. Nick Clegg, have become only the third serving PM’s in modern times to have a baby while in No. 10. The first was Lord John Russell who was prime minister when he became a father on July 11, 1849, which was followed by Tony Blair with the birth of his son Leo on May 20th 2000.

David Cameron, brimming with pride, announced the birth of their daughter to the assembled press who had gathered outside a stable in Truro, Cornwall on 24th August 2010. Asked if they had decided on a name, Dave said they had settled on Florence David Rose Nick Endellion Ming Thatcher Paddy Gordon Kennedy Major Steel Duncan Cable Smith Clegg Cameron Clegg Cameron Clegg Clegg Clegg Cameron Cameron Clegg-Cameron, adding that it was a real coalition name to epitomise the bright new future under the new Government.

The new parents share an embrace outside their home.

Downing Street said that the happy couple had received congratulatory messages from the Queen, the Prince of Wales and his horse, Gordon and Sarah Brown, mini French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his concubines, Elton John, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Quentin Crisp, Gary Glitter, Gay News and God.

Nick was due to give birth in mid-September but began to have contractions after a particularly hot curry and some après dinner bum-fun with some invited state dignitaries. He was taken by car at about 8am on Tuesday for a check-up at a hospital close by and the horrifically ugly baby was delivered by penile-caesarean section shortly before lunchtime using keyhole surgical methods performed through a glory hole.

David Cameron said on Tuesday: "Everything seemed to go fine. Nick woke up this morning and thought he was having ring-piece contractions and it was all beginning to get going so we thought we'd come to the hospital just to get everything checked out. Then things sped up and it all happened very, very quickly and the baby popped out of his bell-end at about 12 o'clock while I was eating my lunch”

He continued, "It seemed to be doing fine and my job was to make the toast and tea and things like that. It's absolutely thrilling, really exciting, and it's just lovely that Nick and baby are doing so well. I’m really going to get smashed tonight; I’ve already done a few lines to celebrate."

The Prime Minister said he was “shocked” by the early arrival. “I always thought it was possible because Nick had been restless for a couple of days and wouldn’t let me in balls deep, so to speak. The next thing I knew we had a baby. Fuck! Bastard told me he was on the pill.”

MINCH NORTON

Pope's Commemorative Wank Sock Goes on Sale

Official merchandise and commemorative memorabilia to celebrate the Pope's visit to the UK have gone on sale today.  The pope's overrated and over anticipated visit on 16th September has brought feelings of apathy and nonchalance to an otherwise aroused Britain.

The Catholic Church has revealed some of its exclusive memorabilia in honour of its favourite zucchetto-wearing leader.

These briefs, previously only available to priests and bishops, will now be available to the common heathen. 

Available in Small, Medium, Large and Extra Large, these delightful 100% cotton briefs will make you feel like a sex on a stick.

The briefs come with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo and commemorative 2010 embroidery around the waist.

The Pope himself modelled these for the Catholic catalogue and told Gusset "this is all the Lord's creation, I am not smuggling a mitre would you believe!"

RRP. £13.99 + p&p

 This commemorative wank sock is exclusively available to Gusset Muncher subscribers only.

With its super absorbency it can handle 5-6 mop ups before going 'stiff as a board'. 

Comes with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo on both sides of the (w)ankle.

Benedict the 16th told Gusset, "There's no wet patch. It's like my Jesus Juice was invisible".

Priced competitively at 1.99 per sock.

Wash at 90 degrees.

The Catholic Church have brought out its own brand of cigarettes to commemorate the Pope's visit next month. The first 500 packets of 'Pope Puffs' sold will include a free set of rosary beads.

You will not only feel cool when you smoke these silky black cigarettes, but you'll look cool too. Hang outside a school with these and you'll make lots of friends within minutes.

Not available to gays, lesbians or Jews.

£9.99 plus VAT.

Other merchandise to on sale include balaclavas with the Pope's face sewn in, and highly flammable Sinead O'Connor effigies.

Robbie Williams to Marry WOMAN in Un-Gay Marriage Ceremony

Robbie Williams is set to marry his actress girlfriend Ayda Field in Los Angeles today, according to un-gay reports.

The pair are planning an intimate un-gay ceremony on Santa Catalina, an island just off the coast of California which is not a gay state in America.

Un-gay family and even more really un-gay close friends were only told the date of the nuptials last week, and have flown out to the US to form the congregation comprised of definitely un-gay guests.

"Robbie and Ayda have been deeply in love for a long time now, nearly three hours to be exact", said an un-gay source. "They spend almost every waking minute of every day
together and are completely inseparable which is very un-gay”. The source did not mention what the happy un-gay couple get up during every sleeping minute but it is presumed that whatever it is it is not anything gay.

Another un-gay source said, "They have tried to keep the un-gay guest list for the un-gay wedding as small as possible and have revealed only scant detail of the ceremony to the lucky few who are invited." Which is why we presume that only the entire global Press Association was informed of this very quiet un-gay event?

A spokesman for the very much in mutual financial and publicity benefiting love couple said, “…despite acidic rumours and cynicism, this is the real un-gay deal, Robbie is very much in love with Dave, er I mean Ayda. And he, er she is not an ex-druggie, skint washed-up actor, …er actress who looks like his much older Auntie”.

Meanwhile Robbie’s image agent was also quick to dispel cynics that the un-gay marriage to Dave, … er Ayda, was definitely not another publicity stunt like the one about Robbie rejoining Take That to try and keep Robbie’s failing career and profile from sinking any lower. “If this was a publicity stunt we would have teamed up with the likes of Jedward for example.”

And regarding Take That, his agent went on, “Robbie and the lads in Take That have always really been the best un-gay mates ever, in the world. They are like un-gay brothers and would do anything for each other. But his band Take That mates will not be in attendance, due to long-standing holiday arrangements.”

Jedward arrived in Santa Catalina this morning on the 4:16 Ryan Air flight from Dublin.

Minch Norton

George Michael's oil rig humiliation

Toilet skulker and soft-core drug user George Michael has been handed down a sentence of public humiliation by an unsympathetic judge.

The singer-songwriter got blazed after Sunday’s Gay Pride parade and careened into the front of a Snappy Snaps store.

At the Walthamstow District Court on Tuesday morning Judge John Dredd told Michael to “sort yourself out,” referring to the camp crooner’s habit of picking up cops in toilets and hot boxing his car in public places.

As an unrepentant Michael shrugged his stoned shoulders, Judge Dredd gave what he termed “the harshest sentence I’ve ever had to hand down”: 150 hours’ public humiliation. The sentence will see the former Wham singer forced to visit a series of Atlantic sea oilrigs while wearing a sandwich board bearing the legend: “Too cute to be straight.”

Oil rigs have not been kind to gay entertainers in the past. In 1985, flamboyant American entertainer Liberace met his death on a North Sea oil rig, where he was dismembered after an impromptu cabaret performance of Hello Dolly. In 1990, Freddie Mercury was forced to swim almost 1500 miles after an Ann Summers party on a Gulf of Mexico rig went badly wrong.

As George Michael’s fans around the world anxiously await his fate, the man himself is philosophical about the sentence.

“I’ve made a bong out of an old fish tank,” he said. “I’m not going to remember any of this.”

Gay Jesus "wore Speedos, spread bum-love"

British scientists in Jerusalem have discovered that Jesus Christ was crucified because of his homosexuality.

The team, lead by Ernest Monkhouse, has been investigating Jesus’ sexuality since 2005 and has made major discoveries. “We always wondered if he were gay, what with him never being married and that, and were amazed to find that was why he were crucified” Monkhouse said.

The Bible tells us the Messiah was charged with being possessed by Satan. However, Monkhouse’s team discovered that the Jews objected to Jesus' desire to spread bum-love. The new evidence shows that Jesus frequented gay bars, enjoyed musicals and wore Speedos.

New evidence reveals that Jesus was very gay indeed.

“We uncovered remnants of the original cross and it were covered with Hebrew homophobic graffiti which translated to ‘poof’, ‘gaylord’ and ‘die you big bearded fudge-packing bastard’. This proves that he were killed because of his love for mudflaps”, Monkhouse said.

Due to objections from religious groups, the investigation has proved difficult. “It’s not blasphemous”, explained Monkhouse, “at least eight per cent of the world’s population are gay so it’s as relevant as whether you support Man U or West Ham.”

Monkhouse’s team said several passages from the Bible were instrumental in the study. Some of the examples are listed below.

• In John 20:17, Jesus admonished Mary Magdeline to “touch me not, because women are minging.”
• Mark chapter 10 includes the passage: "And the youth, looking upon him (Jesus), loved him and beseeched that he might remain with him. ... And after six days, Jesus instructed him and, at evening, the youth came to him wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God".
• Later in the book of Mark (14:51-52), an account describes how Jesus and one of his disciples were caught scantily clad. When the police tried to seize the disciple, he ran away into the night, naked.