Gazza "chuffed" at Negotiator role

Home Secretary Theresa May has confirmed today that the police will now use Paul (Gazza) Gascoigne in all future police hostage negotiations.


Gazza brought chicken parmo, a negligee and a fishing rod to the hostage scene with Raoul Moat in the early hours of Sunday morning, but police refused to let the ex-Newcastle striker through the cordon.

Raoul Moat killed himself during the six hour stand off after police shot the moon-faced mentalist with taser guns. “If they let Gazza through, he could have saved him. I just know it”, said May at a police press conference this morning. “Police need to make radical changes to the way they negotiate with hostages, and Gazza’s tactics are the way forward”.

Gazza was said to be delighted at the news, “Eeh! Aye cannae believe it, I’m meed up. Will need a new shell suit leek”, said the ex-wife beater.

May confirmed the need to restore the police’s reputation after the major cock-up during the weekend’s negotiations in the North East. “The police need to learn from Gazza’s chicken and lager methods, it’s what all murderers need when under pressure”. She was applauded as she announced the 43 year-old football hero would lead the way. “Who knows, we may even use him for future terrorist negotiations”.

Raoul Moat: scent of a killer

Uber-tanned gunman Raoul Moat is planning to release a line of fragrances.

According to cosmetic giant Avon, Moat, who is currently on the run after shooting his ex girlfriend, killing her lover and attacking a policeman, is exactly what “real men” wish to smell like.

Avon spokeswoman Barbara Windsor said Moat’s new fragrance, Laceration, will appeal to metrosexuals who want a little more masculinity in their lives. “People are moving away from pretty-boy perfume and into the realm of real men,” said Windsor. “They want to smell like kerosene and the inside of men’s clubs.”


The scent will contain notes of the chavvy shotgun-toter’s own pheromones, tan-tainted sweat, stereoids and desperation.

“Raoul is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in,” said Windsor. “In today’s PC-gone-mad we’re told we’re not allowed to wield a shotgun or assault children or women. Now, one brave chav is defending his right to be a man.“

Moat is also said to be in talks with Heat Magazine about writing a agony aunt column.