Phil Mitchell: "I can't get enough bum-crack"

Hard man Phil Mitchell demonstrated the dangers of being hooked on crack in last night’s episode of Eastenders. The balding bell-end nuzzled greedily into the cracks of Ian Beale, Max Branning and even his own mother’s hairy crack was a victim of his fearless conk.

The BBC received 350 complaints as onlookers witnessed the chubby Mitchell sweat like a melting beetroot over his co-star's clammy cheeks, three more complaints than when Frank Butcher felt Pat up in toilet.

The addiction started last month when Phil was offered to speed-boat Heather Trott's plunging posterior in a darkened alley. "My character just couldn't get enough arse", said Steve McFadden who plays tough guy Phil Mitchell.

BBC executives say they plan to continue with the story, which is the most cheerful since Tiffany got run over on Christmas day, until the Autumn. Fans will have to watch stubbly moon-face McFadden spiral into depression, steal Ben’s pocket money, and attempt suicide as he becomes a massive crackhead.

Crackhead Phil Mitchell snorting Dot Cotton's bot in last night's episode.

A BBC executive told Gusset Muncher: "Eastenders is well known for covering 'issues'. We work closely with addiction charities and health organisations to ensure that we sensitively reflect the difficult issues of snorting bum cleavage."

She went on to say: "Viewers will not see Phil enjoy sniffing arse, or looking happy after a bum-fix, to ensure the episodes are suitable for all ages. We do not endorse or promote snorting the chocolate alleyway whatsoever".

Addiction expert and ex-rump-nuzzler, Paul Daniels said: "Inhaling arse crack is a very serious addiction and is very difficult to quit. Once you’ve tried it, you won’t be able to stop."

Just say 'NO' kids!

Cockneys Infest Posh Village

Berkshire council has been inundated with complaints of Cockney infestation.

Cockneys nest in roofs, gardens and wall insulations of homes in highly populated middle classes areas, sometimes forcing people with double-barrelled surnames out of their own homes.

“I heard a rumble in my loft and thought it was badgers but there was a family of 8 pearly kings and queens singing ‘knees up mother brown’ amongst my old Monsoon clothes”, said distraught Henrietta Bon-Clyde from Aldermaston Village. “I tried everything, pesticides, lion dung, even playing Michael Buble on full blast, but they won’t go”.

According to anthropologists at King’s College London, Cockneys are known to breed quickly in the hot weather and the population could get out of control of not dealt with quickly.

A Cockney luring a male during mating season

Cockney coke-bothering heathen Daniella Westbrook issued a press release quoting: “We ain’t ‘ere to ‘arm na-one innit. We es jus lookin for sum were pritty to park ar arse ‘oles jurin this ‘eat”.

The Hewitt-Browns were driven out of their Edwardian cottage due to half the Eastenders cast nesting in their pipe cladding. “They shout and argue all night”, said father of 3, Tarquin, “they come back in the middle of the night after going ‘up west’ and one female Cockney actually bit me on the leg”.

The Council is trying to bait the East London oiks out with a super-breed of Scousers and hope to cull the pesky pigeon lickers by August. “It could be worse”, said the MP for Eton, “at least they’re not mockneys”.