Raoul Moat: scent of a killer

Uber-tanned gunman Raoul Moat is planning to release a line of fragrances.

According to cosmetic giant Avon, Moat, who is currently on the run after shooting his ex girlfriend, killing her lover and attacking a policeman, is exactly what “real men” wish to smell like.

Avon spokeswoman Barbara Windsor said Moat’s new fragrance, Laceration, will appeal to metrosexuals who want a little more masculinity in their lives. “People are moving away from pretty-boy perfume and into the realm of real men,” said Windsor. “They want to smell like kerosene and the inside of men’s clubs.”


The scent will contain notes of the chavvy shotgun-toter’s own pheromones, tan-tainted sweat, stereoids and desperation.

“Raoul is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in,” said Windsor. “In today’s PC-gone-mad we’re told we’re not allowed to wield a shotgun or assault children or women. Now, one brave chav is defending his right to be a man.“

Moat is also said to be in talks with Heat Magazine about writing a agony aunt column.

Simon Cowell to be replaced by spanner

American Idol bosses have decided to replace Simon Cowell on next year’s season with a spanner.

Simon Cowell plans to leave the show so that he can concentrate on American X Factor, America's Got Talent, and America's Next Top Inane Mediocre Wannabe series.

Idol boss Simon Fuller is said to be desperate to land an equally big personality to fill his seat, and a spanner fits the bill perfectly. “Everyone agrees a spanner would be great as a full-time judge and will have as much sex appeal as Simon" said Fuller.

Simon Cowell: sex appeal.

Amanda Holden, who will be replaced by a set of taps on next year's Britain's Got Talent, said "Simon's toughness is irreplaceable, but I've seen the spanner in action and it's just as opinionated and forthright". She went on to say, "you can hardly tell the difference between the two, the spanner is a massive tool and so is Simon".

Will a spanner fit the bill? "We think it would be a great judge and it certainly has a lot of experience in the industry" said Fuller, "let's just hope it can get on with Sharon Osbourne".