BP boss' McDonald's shame

Fall from grace: Tony Hayward's supersized shame.

Just days after disgraced BP chief executive Tony Hayward was sacked, he has been ordered to pay $32.6bn (£20.6bn) in oil spill costs.

Hayward has been made personally accountable for the environmental disaster and has been instructed to cough up enough to clean up all the sticky penguins, soiled beaches and poisoned fish.

The slippery Brit has been forced to move his family out of their 23-bedroom mansion in Windsor and relocate to a council estate in Slough. The sale of his estate fetched £5.2 million. Hayward will pay the remainder off at £50/week for 4,016,000 weeks in his new role as an assistant deputy manager at McDonald’s in Slough.

Yesterday his manager said he was doing well. “His customer service skills are improving, but we don’t let him near the deep fat fryer, for obvious reasons.”

Hayward has also been ordered by a BP court judge to spend 456,730 hours scrubbing down oily wildlife as part of a community service penalty. He will also be issuing a handwritten apology to every bird affected by the spill.

Meanwhile, Hayward’s two children, Tarquin and Sairose, have been taken out of their £345,000/year school and sent to Slough Comprehensive. “The uniforms chafe so, and they don’t even have any decent polo ponies,” complained Sairose to a Gusset reporter yesterday.

The children have also suffered a pocket money paycut of over 99.8 per cent as their weekly dosh is slashed from £1500 to just £3.50.

BP: "please release Yorkshire Ripper"

BP has been criticised again today for lobbying the British government for the release of serial killer Peter Sutcliffe.

The Yorkshire ripper was sentenced to 20 life sentences in 1981 for murdering 13 prostitutes and attempting to murder a further 7. However, a high court judge condemned the jailbird to ‘prison perpetuity’, after refusing his request for parole.

BP said it pressed for the release of the prisoner because his custody was damaging its “commercial interests” and disrupt its £90 million petrol station in Yorkshire.

BP recently came under scrutiny for upsetting the USA by helping release a terrorist that killed hundreds of Americans and for covering the country in its oil spill.

Chris Peacock, a spokesman for BP, admitted to The Gusset that Sutcliffe’s release would have closed the deal on their murder-themed petrol station, which planned to sell 'Yorkshire Slippers', donning the murderer's face and include a ‘pic axe mix’. “What more could those flat-capped-whippet-loving-pigeon-licking Northern bastards want?” Said Peacock, who was looking forward to Sutcliffe cutting the red tape (with round-edge scissors) on the new fuel pumps.

Yorkshire Council was said to be 'gutted' at the news. The county had high hopes of capitalising on Sutcliffe's release and will now have to burn all 500 of its “Kill your speed – not a prostitute” road signs that were intended to don residential roads in the borough.

What a waste!

We don't give a shit about oil spill, say BP

Oil giant BP today announced that they “don’t give a shit” about the effects of the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Twenty million gallons of oil have pumped into the gulf following an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig six weeks ago, which resulted in the deaths of 11 workers. Yesterday officials declared the incident the worst environmental disaster the US has ever faced.

But BP chief operating officer Doug Suttles says the company really couldn’t care less. “It turns out we’re covered by insurance – so my bonus will be safe this year,” he said. When asked about the impact of the spill on the environment, Suttles replied “tough titties”. “It’s just a bunch of birds and fish, essentially parasites who contribute absolutely nothing to the world.”

Can't fly? 'Tough titties', says BP.

It’s not the first time Suttles has come under fire for his laissez faire attitude to green issues. In 2004 he was snapped eating what is now thought to be the last remaining Chinese river dolphin. In 2007 he appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, where he railed against the practice of recycling, claiming that only “hippies and gays” bothered to separate plastic from paper.

Suttles’ views have angered environmental groups. Greenpeace CEO Martin Clunes said the COO’s outburst is “shocking and insulting”. “Suttles needs to wake up and smell the petroleum,” Clunes said. “The situation needs to be rectified quickly, before the oil enters animals’ genes and causes mutation, resulting in a new order of souped-up animals capable of destroying mankind completely.”