Sunday, 30 May 2010

Burt and Ernie Arrested for Jill Dando Murder

Sesame Street stars Burt and Ernie have been arrested on suspicion of the murder of TV journalist Jill Dando.

London Metropolitain police reopened the investigation into Dando’s murder last month after a tip off from Big Bird who apparently found hundreds of close-range photographs of the TV beauty, who resembled Lady Diana, in Burt’s dressing room. He said, “I’ve been trying to tell them English police for years about the two weirdoes from the show but they wouldn’t listen”.

Police originally closed the investigation in 2008 after sex-pest Barry George was acquitted as new evidence proved he was following another Lady Diana look-a-like home at the time of Dando’s murder. “Police were perplexed by the yellow and orange nylon fluff found at the murder scene in April 1999, the gun found had no fingerprints – Burt and Ernie also have no prints so it’s obviously them”, said a police dog.

Burt, who’s real name is Jason Higgins, did not put up a struggle as he was arrested by police in Washington DC this morning. Arresting officer Chief Wigan reported that Ernie, real name Kev Smith, broke down in tears and shouted, “he made me do it, he made me do it”, as police handcuffed them outside their DC mansion.

The TV stars are being flown to the UK today for interviews and DNA testing. Their lawyer issued the following statement: “My clients have been set up by a big fat yellow TV rival. This is an outrage and I will ensure they are fully compensated once they’re found innocent”. 

This is the third time this year Sesame Street has come under disrepute as Miss Piggy was allegedly arrested for shop lifting in March, and the Cookie Monster was caught forging passports last week.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Greece's future lies with Eurovision hope

From stolid Switzerland to madcap Malta, every European country longs for a shot at Eurovision glory. But new revelations show that no one hankers for victory more than Greece - even if it means a win costs them the health of their economy.

A leaked dossier from the Greek Home Office has revealed the true reason behind the country’s multi-billion euro debt: the struggling Mediterranean country has spent a total of 300 billion euros financing its Eurovision efforts over the past 25 years, running over budget by an average of 11 billion euros each year.

As well as bribing officials and wining and dining judges, the Greek Eurovision Agency hired mathematicians and scientists to uncover the secret behind past winners’ successes. But their efforts have netted them just one win since the country first began competing in 1974: Elena Paparizou’s 2005 win with My Number One.

Elena Paparizou wows Eurovision judges in 2005.

A reluctant spokesperson from the agency, who declined to be named, said the department was set up in 1985 to “guarantee” a win for the country. “Each Eurovision winner has brought untold wealth to their country,” he said. “We figured the money would be well spent if we could manufacture another Katrina and the Waves, or a Bucks Fizz.” What the agency discovered, however, is that Greeks have no natural talent. “Apart from Elena [Paparizou], who only won because she showed the judges her knickers, we’re a talentless bunch of no-hopers.”

But as Greece faces up to three years of recession and a monstrous debt, the government is saying enough is enough and funding for the GEA has come to an end. The country’s final hope rests on George Alkaios & Friends, performing their song OPA tonight in the final. If Alkaios wins, the Eurovision prize money, coincidentally 300 billion euro, will fix his country’s problems forever.

No pressure, then. But if anyone’s equipped to deal with this situation, it’s Alkaios. Plucked from his destitute mountain shack in infancy by Greek Eurovision Agency scouts, Thirty eight-year-old Alkaios has been in training for this moment his whole life. The singer was brought up in a clandestine performing arts academy in the Greek mountains. From the beginning, he has been taught to communicate in song and until his first Eurovision audition had never heard a spoken voice.

Most experts agree that the song is "a bit shit," but watch the video and decide for yourself. The Eurovision final screens lives from Oslo tonight.

Friday, 28 May 2010

SuBo to tour world in her underwear

Susan Boyle announced that she will be following the likes of Lady Gaga, Katie Perry and Kylie today by singing in her undies. “It’s well known that record sales increase when girls market their singing voices this way”, said SuBo’s manager David Dickinson, “Susan’s record sales have plummeted since the tories got in and my loft conversion isn’t gonna pay for itself”.

SuBo is said to be speaking with designers at BHS after Madonna's favoured underwear designer Jean-Paul Gaultier refused the £2,000,000 offer.

SuBo's world tour starts in the Autumn and will feature her double-gusseted in black lace and polyester. Celebrity choreographer Jamie King said "dat girl'z got some moves man". SuBo isn't concerned about her age or physique: “God made me like this and there is more of me to love” she chuckled.
SuBo also confirmed that she will be recording a duet with Snoop Dog in the summer at his mansion in LA. They met at a BBQ at Chris Tarrant’s last year and have remained friends ever since. “I need to add an ‘edge’ to my repertoire”, said Subo, “and I hope he teaches me to swear like a rapist”.
Her record company have also confirmed she plans to bring out her own line of perfume, start an acting career and marry a footballer.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

2-4-1 princess sale lands Fergie in more hot water

Cash-strapped Sarah Ferguson is even more red-faced today after fresh claims of money-grabbing emerged – this time involving the sale of her two daughters on Ebay.

Last week the former princess was recorded offering an undercover journalist access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew for £500,000. While the revelation has been embarrassing, it pales in comparison to the latest discovery.

Yesterday, an eagle-eyed Gusset reporter discovered Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie listed on popular shopping site Ebay with a reserve of £350 for the pair. Investigations revealed that the seller, whose username was Chubbsy1959, had also listed a number of royal items including a pair of Princess Diana’s jodhpurs and hair allegedly from Queen Elizabeth’s plughole.

The double sister sale, which began “Two royal princesses for the price of one!!!!1” went on to describe Princess Beatrice, 22, and Eugenie, 21, as “buxom and plyant (sic)” and from a pet and smoke free home.

The princesses in happier times.

Ebay pulled the listings this morning after being alerted by our reporter. An Ebay spokesperson has confirmed that as the sisters are over 18 they may not be sold by a third party.

Human rights organisation Amnesty International has warned against selling royals on online shopping sites after Prince Frederick of Denmark was sold on a Danish shopping site to African slave merchants in 2002.

The organisation has urged Ebay to include a clause that prevents the sale of anyone linked to the monarchy.

The princesses were unavailable for comment this morning.

Friday, 21 May 2010

'Our turn to fly', say BA strikers

British Airways staff are set to strike over a number of grievances after a panel of judges overturned a ban on industrial action yesterday.

Unite leader Derek Simpson said the union would not rest until every demand had been met. “All we want is decent working hours and the best possible conditions for our staff,” he said.

But staff say the best possible conditions involve allowing for more diversity in their roles, and that’s where BA disagrees.

Allowing groundcrew to fly aircraft has not worked for BA in the past.

Aircraft cabin cleaner Mavis Beacon is planning strike action because she’s tired of cleaning and wants to switch to flying for a bit. “All them pilots get to drive the planes to all these places and I’m stuck cleaning them. I’m sick of being left behind with my mop and bucket. Let someone else fly the plane for once.”

BA call centre telephonist Walter Dyer agrees. “Pilots get paid loads and I’m on £6.75 an hour,” he said. “I work just as hard as them and the disparity is just not fair.” Dyer disagrees that experience is necessary for flying aircraft. “I learned how to work a switchboard pretty quick, all those cockpit buttons and controls shouldn’t be a problem,” he said.

BA spokesperson Clarence Ouver said these requests are “just not viable”, citing the disastrous strike negotiations 13 years ago. After weeks of talks in May 1997, BA agreed to let luggage handlers fly a number of 747 jets on a trial basis. Each of the 15 airliners crashed, resulting in 3496 deaths. “We lost a lot of money and all the families of the dead complained. We won’t be making that mistake again,” Ouver says.

Instead, BA is calling for anyone with flight experience to apply for a role at the aeronautics giant. BA representatives are trawling rest homes, hoping to find World War II pilots willing to do a few runs. They would also like to hear from anyone who has ever been in a flight simulator, or watched Die Hard 2 more than four times.

“We’re going to stay in the air – no matter what,” Ouver said. BA strikes are scheduled to begin on Monday.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Ebola outbreak hits Windsor Castle


Several members of the British royal family, including Her Royal Majesty the Queen, have been struck down by the flesh-eating Ebola virus.

Authorities were alerted this morning by Camilla Parker Bowles, who galloped all the way to London to raise the alarm. As well as Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Charles and Princess Anne are thought to be among the victims.

Windsor Castle has been quarantined by the military as health authorities desperately try to contain the outbreak. Currently, no one is going in or out of the castle and concerns are being raised about the welfare of the 84-year-old monarch, who was recently snapped with friends celebrating her birthday.

This Ebola was caught trying to escape Windsor Palace. It has been detained for questioning.

“It looks like the flesh-eating bacterial disease Ebola is ravaging the royal family,” General Major Rick Moranis said. “Apparently her Majesty the Queen has taken to her bed, half her face has been eaten away and her flesh is turning to liquid. It’s a sorry state of affairs.”

Prince Philip is believed to be still functioning. “He’s looked like an Ebola outbreak since the 70s so we can’t really tell what state he’s in,” Major Moranis said. A number of servants and castle staff have also been struck down. “But no one cares about them,” he added.

As helicopters and military vehicles descend on the once-peaceful Windsor this afternoon, authorities are wondering just what went wrong. Tropical medical experts flown in from The Congo, the birthplace of the virus, are meeting today with Parker-Bowles and a lady-in-waiting, the only two people to have left the palace.

Soldiers prepare to storm Windsor Castle.

Lady-in-waiting Pamela Ayres managed to escape the palace before it was quarantined. She is now in an isolation unit and says the horror of what she saw in the palace will stay with her forever.

“Royals and staff were stumbling around blindly, flesh disintegrating in front of my eyes. Everyone was screaming and gurgling as liquid flesh spewed out of their mouths. It was totally gross.”

Authorities believe a bonobo monkey the queen had employed to dance for her in the evenings may be the carrier of the fatal virus. According to a witness, the monkey was seen heading towards popular Windsor attraction Legoland. A team of animal catchers is trying to track the beast down.

Meanwhile, the Royal Philatelic Society is considering designing a stamp to commemorate the occasion, thought to be the most interesting thing to happen to the royal family since Squidgygate.

The public are being warned to stay inside and not approach any unfamiliar bonobos.

Monday, 17 May 2010

England manager’s shocking new tactics

Controversial England football manager Fabio Capello has come under fire for his latest training technique which involves sending electric currents through the testicles of his squad.

Thanks to a source within the England camp, thought to be notorious squealer Gary Neville, Gusset News has learnt that this tool is just the tip of the iceberg in the Italian’s lust for glory at the 19th world cup in South Africa.

The leaked memos outline plans to hook the player’s testicles up to remote control electrodes which transmit an electric charge directly into the player’s gonads. Capello would use the remote control from his dug out area.

The “motivational tool,” as Capello describes it in the memo, has met with strong opposition from human rights organisations and football supporters.

Head of the Football Association Lord Triesman called the move “uncivilised.”

“These goddamn Italians think it’s the middle ages, we’re a bloody civilised country you know. Did we colonise that place? No? Well we should have.”

This comment has lead to serious recriminations, including threats of military action from Italy and disciplinary action for Triesman. With the world cup only weeks away the detritus left by these revelations is an unwelcome build up to a world cup England had high hopes for.

However, assistant coach Stuart Pearce supports the move. “What says ‘get down that left wing faster’ better than a shock to your nuts? I know if they’d had ‘em in my day it would have been a different game. Jockeys use whips on horses, why can’t we send 240 volts into Wayne Rooney’s genitals?”

This latest revelation comes just days after the vetoing of Capello’s controversial world cup scoring system. Capello had planned to score his players out of ten at the end of each world cup game this summer and make the ratings available for public viewing in a bid to humanise the players and make them more accessible. However, after backlash from players and supporters, the system was scrapped and Capello forced to make an embarrassing backtrack.

No players that matter were available for comment today, but covert pictures taken by Madame Tool at the squad's latest training session speak volumes about Capello’s latest scheme.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Attending school makes you taller, study discovers

An extensive 45-year study has revealed that attending school can make you taller.

Scientists and researchers from the University of Slatton conducted a lifetime study of 703 local males and 675 females born in 1964. They analysed the subjects over more than four decades, taking measurements each year.

What they found was unexpected. Head researcher and genetic scientist Michael Bolton said his team discovered that there was a strong correlation between education and vertical growth.

“We discovered most of our subjects’ growth occurred between the ages four and 18, while most were attending educational institutions,” he said. During this time, male subjects grew an average of 1.5 metres, while females grew 1.35 metres.

Midgets: must try harder.

“Most subjects grew a great deal during this period,” Bolton says. “And the one thing each subject had in common was their attendance in school.” After the subjects finished school or education, growth slowed or stopped altogether.

Bolton said the discovery was “mind blowing”, and researchers are still trying to discover why the growth occurs. “We think it's because you're constantly learning new things, and because your body lacks the space to file these new things it compensates by adding centimetres to height." Sometimes the growth manifested itself horizontally. "We believe that's why there are so many fat boys and girls these days," Bolton said. "Learning is moving away from traditional methods and into new ones and the sensory filing system has become confused."

Anomalies of the subject group included midgets and dwarves, whose growth was “stunted”, Bolton said.

“We think it’s either because midgets and dwarves either don’t listen in class, or can’t hear very well because of their small eardrums.”

The study’s results have shocked academics and scientists. Tooting University’s top genetic engineer Rob Lowe said the findings were “preposterous", and accused Bolton of being a "half-rate academic who bought his PHD on the internet."

“This ‘sensory filing system’ theory is a load of shite,” he said. Lowe’s own department is currently 20 years into a similar study and while the results have been similar, the team hypothesises that living with one’s parents causes the massive growth.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Darling eyebrows in the race for top Labour job

Two unexpected contenders have joined the race to be the new Labour Party leader following Gordon Brown’s departure from Number 10.

When Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was asked whether he would be standing for the top job, he denied that he would be making any push for the job but revealed that his eyebrows had expressed an interest in the high-pressure role.

When pressed by Gusset News reporter Madam Tool as to whether he believed his eyebrows were qualified for the role he simply wiggled them and walked away.

Recent concerns about Darling’s mental health were raised recently after a leak from a fellow unnamed MP who alleged Darling had been having “extremely loud and aggressive arguments with himself in Parliament toilets”. It now seems likely that these arguments were not with himself but with his eyebrows.

There has also been disquiet amongst Labour backbenchers over a pamphlet, allegedly written by Darling, promoting his eyebrows as “the right and sensible choice to take the party forward”.

The situation has echoes of a similar state of affairs in 1975, where Conservative leader Edward Heath’s nostril hair lost out to Margaret Thatcher in a party ballot.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Gay Jesus "wore Speedos, spread bum-love"

British scientists in Jerusalem have discovered that Jesus Christ was crucified because of his homosexuality.

The team, lead by Ernest Monkhouse, has been investigating Jesus’ sexuality since 2005 and has made major discoveries. “We always wondered if he were gay, what with him never being married and that, and were amazed to find that was why he were crucified” Monkhouse said.

The Bible tells us the Messiah was charged with being possessed by Satan. However, Monkhouse’s team discovered that the Jews objected to Jesus' desire to spread bum-love. The new evidence shows that Jesus frequented gay bars, enjoyed musicals and wore Speedos.

New evidence reveals that Jesus was very gay indeed.

“We uncovered remnants of the original cross and it were covered with Hebrew homophobic graffiti which translated to ‘poof’, ‘gaylord’ and ‘die you big bearded fudge-packing bastard’. This proves that he were killed because of his love for mudflaps”, Monkhouse said.

Due to objections from religious groups, the investigation has proved difficult. “It’s not blasphemous”, explained Monkhouse, “at least eight per cent of the world’s population are gay so it’s as relevant as whether you support Man U or West Ham.”

Monkhouse’s team said several passages from the Bible were instrumental in the study. Some of the examples are listed below.

  • In John 20:17, Jesus admonished Mary Magdeline to “touch me not, because women are minging.”
  • Mark chapter 10 includes the passage: "And the youth, looking upon him (Jesus), loved him and beseeched that he might remain with him. ... And after six days, Jesus instructed him and, at evening, the youth came to him wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God".
  • Later in the book of Mark (14:51-52), an account describes how Jesus and one of his disciples were caught scantily clad. When the police tried to seize the disciple, he ran away into the night, naked.

Friday, 7 May 2010

Undead shuffle into Downing Street

As Britons all over the country awoke to the prospect of a hung parliament today, one party is dead keen to get a slice of coalition action.

The Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality party’s unexpected election success has shocked political commentators and now CURE hope to gain further influence by joining Labour in forming a new government.

CURE received 482,000 votes, earning them six parliamentary seats and the attention of Gordon Brown, who is desperately casting around to form a Labour-led coalition government.

CURE candidate for Brighton and Hove Jeremy Beadle said the high number of votes received was “great news” – but not entirely unexpected. Polls and surveys tend to ignore the undead, meaning they are not represented in society. “Most undead keep themselves to themselves, hanging round cemeteries and industrial estates.” Beadle said.

This undead voter is in the minority, Beadle says. "Why can't we all just get along?"

Joining Labour in forming a new government would change this imbalance. “Brown has been dead for many years and knows all too well the level of discrimination and loneliness that the non-living experience,” Beadle said.

The pair met at Downing Street this morning to begin preliminary talks. “As soon as I shook his cold, dead hand and looked into his blank eyes I knew we were off to a winning start.”

Beadle has vehemently denied that greater undead influence in the sphere of power would lead to an influx of undead entering the country and stealing our jobs and women.

"The undead just want to be contributing members of society. They are for the most part highly educated and eager to work. We don't discriminate against people who are fat or Asian - why should we discriminate against someone simply because they don't breathe and sometimes shed rotting lumps of flesh?"

Meanwhile, a number of CURE voters missed the 10pm voting cut off thanks to their slow, shambling gait. Many were waiting in long queues last night to cast their ballot, while some were turned away altogether.

Undead voter Ima Rotten said people needed to learn that the undead were “just like everyone else – except dead. “We're a peaceful race, we're not like the undead portrayed in films, only a small minority go around biting people.”

See CURE's manifesto here.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Brown on crazed anti-Tory rampage

Reports that Gordon Brown has been adopting some unusual campaigning methods in the lead up to today’s general election have shocked the nation.

Late last night Brown was reportedly seen donning a black uniform and camouflage paint before getting into a black Ford transit van and wheel spinning away from Number 10 Downing Street.

He resurfaced in the traditional Tory constituency of Bromley and Chislehurst, where greengrocer Stan Ramsbottom says he heard a knock at the door at around 11.30pm. As he approached the door Mr Brown allegedly kicked it in and lunged at him. As he desperately fought the crazed Prime Minister off, the 68-year-old heard Brown scream, "You Tory shits are all the same, vote for Labour or I’ll be coming back for your kneecaps!"

Ramsbottom, who needed medical attention after the late-night visit, said Brown "smelled like he’d been drinking since early afternoon."

"He were clearly very angry that I wasn’t voting for him in election. I didn’t get chance to tell him that I’m not even eligible!" When asked how he could be sure that the attacker had been the country's leader Mr Ramsbottom replied 'It were obvious! He just had a bit of paint smeared above his eyes.'

Brown denied the allegations, calling the story ‘a Tory plot to discredit his campaign." However, CCTV footage sent into Gusset News this morning clearly shows a wild eyed Brown forcing his way into properties across the Bromley and Chislehurst area. The evidence has been sent to the PM’s advisors and we are currently waiting for a response.

Labour's majority has been steadily falling in the last fortnight but this desperate act will come as a genuine shock to the people of Great Britain and can surely only lead to a further dip in the Scot's popularity.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Harry Potter and the Nazi scandal

JK Rowling has denied claims that the latest Harry Potter book contains anti-semetic messages.

Excerpts from the author’s latest novel leaked to Gusset News last week contained a number of references to the atrocities committed against Jews in World War II.

Harry Potter and the Kibbutz sees characters Harry, Hermoine Grainger and Ronald Weasley travel to Israel on a gap year. The trio find work on a kibbutz, Israel’s answer to communal farming.

In chapter three, Harry confronts a pair of bullies as he weeds a flower bed. As he fumbles for his wand, Ron Weasley shouts “Magic the filthy kikes to the gas chamber, Potter!”

The final chapter sees the trio organising the annual kibbutz ball. The teenagers convert the barn into a giant concentration camp-style shower unit and issue invitations with swastika emblems urging male partygoers to dress as “Nazi youth” and females as “Nazi slutz.”

These excerpts are just two of many that have enraged Jewish groups around the world.

“It’s a travesty – a fun story about wizards ruined by horrific memories of war,” said concentration camp survivor Arthur Goldplatz. “Rowling is obviously trying to be a little edgy but she’s lost touch with the very real atrocities of World War II.”

JK Rowling once said in an interview that she found dressing up as a Nazi arousing.

Rowling, whose grandfather was a Nazi youth member, has denied the claims, claiming the novel's material is "light-hearted japes".

“Harry and his friends are just enjoying light-hearted japes, as all kids do,” she said yesterday. “When I was young I used to dress in my grandfather’s Nazi uniform and bayonet any neighbourhood cats who looked a bit Jewish. So what? Boys will be boys and Harry is no exception.”

Rowling is already hard at work on the next Harry Potter tome. The author, one of the United Kingdom's richest women, won't give much away except to say that the young wizard will put quidditch on the backburner and face some of his toughest ever challenges, including abortion, incest and genocide.

Harry Potter and the Gap Year Kibbutz is out in hardback on May 15 and retails at £15.99.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Brutal blood sport targets office wimps

Investigations into a spate of hospital admittances involving mid-pay grade workers have uncovered a sinister underground blood sport.

Hospitals have reported a sharp rise in cuts, severe bruising and broken bones among accountants, purchase ledger clerks and assistant managers. When questioned by police and hospital staff, patients were unforthcoming about the cause of their injuries.

“No one has any real explanation, patients feign deafness or just do that finger-in-ear ‘la la la, I can’t hear you’ thing,” a nurse at Greenwich Mean Hospital said.

However, extensive investigation by Gusset News reporters has uncovered the startling truth behind the mysterious injuries: a brutal blood sport known as Sage fighting.

Named for the Sage business software, Sage Fighting involves mid-level white-collar workers clashing in unarmed combat, usually against their will. The brutal sport is bankrolled by some of the world’s top politicians, businesspeople and actors, who travel from around the world to bet tens of thousands of pounds on the illegal fights.

Gusset News reporter Luke Tunnelling spoke to a software engineer who was kidnapped during his lunchbreak. Lured by the kidnappers’ promises of a Windows 7 demonstration, the worker willingly entered an unmarked van, only to be tied up and gagged. “I had a bag over my head and had no idea where I was or what was happening to me,” the worker said.

When the bag was removed, the engineer found himself in an old steel mill. There was a large pit in the middle of the floor, where a thin man in spectacles stood. The engineer guessed he was an accountant. “The spotlights glinted off of the pens in his breast pocket and almost blinded me”.

But the man’s ordeal was just beginning. “My opponent came at me. Next thing I knew he rolled my sleeve up and started giving me a Chinese burn.”

When the engineer regained consciousness, a look around the room confirmed his worst fears. “I’ll never forget that crowd baying for our blood. Bill Gates and Kofi Anan sharing cigars and a joke, Dame Judy Dench screaming ‘Get up you cunt, I’ve got a monkey on you’. The grin on Michael Winner’s face will stay with me forever”.

The engineer was dumped under a railway bridge and left for dead. He is currently in hospital being treated for second degree Chinese burns.

Police deny any knowledge of Sage fighting, and today refused to comment. Gusset News will bring you more on this exclusive story as it unfolds.

Sunday, 2 May 2010


Royal Tail: Hybrid postie Jeremy Tillywinkle

Royal Mail executives have admitted that due to the increasing delivery demands they have placed on their postmen they have been forced to cross breed them with house mice.

The postal workers union CWU said its members had been coming under increasing pressure to deliver more letters in a shorter period of time and many members have been threatened with the sack for not meeting their targets.

“At least if I'd got the sack I'd have something to put the letters in”, said Jeremy Tillywinkle a disgruntled postman from Tuppenny Lane. “Most of the time I take the post around in my cheek pouches!”

Baron Von Klinkenhousen, the German CEO of The Royal Mail and former genetic scientist had this to say, “making the decision to breed postmen with house mice was a simple one for us. The house mouse, which rhymes, has many characteristics which are beneficial to the common-or-garden postman. They can move incredibly fast for their size and have quick little hands. Put these traits into a Royal Mail uniform and you have created a force of nature the likes of which the world has never seen!”
The BBCs Wacky Naturist Bill Oddy told us, “it's easy to spot the hybrids as they scurry up and down the streets. They have larger eyes and ears than their native cousins and appear more alert. Sometimes they eat their own droppings”.

The CWU chief Timmy Perrywig told Gusset Muncher's Fifi Fiore, “our members can see the benefits but there are down sides. An example being the reason we call postal strikes over Christmas isn't because it causes maximum disruption, it's because the genetically modified postmen can't fight the urge to hibernate. This coupled with the fact that sometimes they chew up the mail to make nests has caused us problems. But they can have up to 80 young a year thus safeguarding the future supply of postmen to the mail service”.

Saturday, 1 May 2010


Nick Griffin cowers as he's pelted with poo-pellets

Police were called to quell a row in London today between members of the far right BNP and Alexander from the ‘compare the meerkat’ adverts.

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP and former cabaret singer, said, “these foreign meerkats are flocking over here and stealing jobs, houses and women from hardworking Yorkshire ferrets”.

The incensed Alexander took to the streets with his furry army and pelted faeces at BNP members. Cars were overturned, petrol bombs thrown and an effigy of Mr Griffin was burnt at the stake.

The meerkat mob targeted fancy dress shops, florists, and a Barry Manilow themed bar, all well known haunts for BNP members.

A frightened BNP member said, “it was like so scary, my partner Colin and I daren’t leave our duplex”.

An innocent racist spoke of his terror as a meerkat glassed him with his own Cinzano and lemonade, “the anger in his eyes man, it was ferral, they look so tame on the ads”.

In an exclusive e-mail The Gusset Muncher's reporter Luke Tunnelling, Alexander said, “if the BNP want a fight they will get it, we’re here to stay. Simples”.