Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Brutal blood sport targets office wimps

Investigations into a spate of hospital admittances involving mid-pay grade workers have uncovered a sinister underground blood sport.

Hospitals have reported a sharp rise in cuts, severe bruising and broken bones among accountants, purchase ledger clerks and assistant managers. When questioned by police and hospital staff, patients were unforthcoming about the cause of their injuries.

“No one has any real explanation, patients feign deafness or just do that finger-in-ear ‘la la la, I can’t hear you’ thing,” a nurse at Greenwich Mean Hospital said.

However, extensive investigation by Gusset News reporters has uncovered the startling truth behind the mysterious injuries: a brutal blood sport known as Sage fighting.

Named for the Sage business software, Sage Fighting involves mid-level white-collar workers clashing in unarmed combat, usually against their will. The brutal sport is bankrolled by some of the world’s top politicians, businesspeople and actors, who travel from around the world to bet tens of thousands of pounds on the illegal fights.

Gusset News reporter Luke Tunnelling spoke to a software engineer who was kidnapped during his lunchbreak. Lured by the kidnappers’ promises of a Windows 7 demonstration, the worker willingly entered an unmarked van, only to be tied up and gagged. “I had a bag over my head and had no idea where I was or what was happening to me,” the worker said.

When the bag was removed, the engineer found himself in an old steel mill. There was a large pit in the middle of the floor, where a thin man in spectacles stood. The engineer guessed he was an accountant. “The spotlights glinted off of the pens in his breast pocket and almost blinded me”.

But the man’s ordeal was just beginning. “My opponent came at me. Next thing I knew he rolled my sleeve up and started giving me a Chinese burn.”

When the engineer regained consciousness, a look around the room confirmed his worst fears. “I’ll never forget that crowd baying for our blood. Bill Gates and Kofi Anan sharing cigars and a joke, Dame Judy Dench screaming ‘Get up you cunt, I’ve got a monkey on you’. The grin on Michael Winner’s face will stay with me forever”.

The engineer was dumped under a railway bridge and left for dead. He is currently in hospital being treated for second degree Chinese burns.

Police deny any knowledge of Sage fighting, and today refused to comment. Gusset News will bring you more on this exclusive story as it unfolds.

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