Attending school makes you taller, study discovers

An extensive 45-year study has revealed that attending school can make you taller.

Scientists and researchers from the University of Slatton conducted a lifetime study of 703 local males and 675 females born in 1964. They analysed the subjects over more than four decades, taking measurements each year. EEEQZ99MDD8Q

What they found was unexpected. Head researcher and genetic scientist Michael Bolton said his team discovered that there was a strong correlation between education and vertical growth.

“We discovered most of our subjects’ growth occurred between the ages four and 18, while most were attending educational institutions,” he said. During this time, male subjects grew an average of 1.5 metres, while females grew 1.35 metres.

Midgets: must try harder.

“Most subjects grew a great deal during this period,” Bolton says. “And the one thing each subject had in common was their attendance in school.” After the subjects finished school or education, growth slowed or stopped altogether.

Bolton said the discovery was “mind blowing”, and researchers are still trying to discover why the growth occurs. “We think it's because you're constantly learning new things, and because your body lacks the space to file these new things it compensates by adding centimetres to height." Sometimes the growth manifested itself horizontally. "We believe that's why there are so many fat boys and girls these days," Bolton said. "Learning is moving away from traditional methods and into new ones and the sensory filing system has become confused."

Anomalies of the subject group included midgets and dwarves, whose growth was “stunted”, Bolton said.

“We think it’s either because midgets and dwarves either don’t listen in class, or can’t hear very well because of their small eardrums.”

The study’s results have shocked academics and scientists. Tooting University’s top genetic engineer Rob Lowe said the findings were “preposterous", and accused Bolton of being a "half-rate academic who bought his PHD on the internet."

“This ‘sensory filing system’ theory is a load of shite,” he said. Lowe’s own department is currently 20 years into a similar study and while the results have been similar, the team hypothesises that living with one’s parents causes the massive growth.