Prime Ministers in Other Countries are Cunts Too say Scientists

Scientific research commissioned by United Nations has proved that members of parliament, president-types and Prime Ministers are cunts, regardless of which country they hail from.

Professor Dean Gaffney lead the research project originally set up in 1996. He told Gusset News: "We were expecting that only 80-85% of MPs would actually be complete and utter cuntfucks, and so we were surprised by the findings. Some MPs are merely wankers and knob-jockeys. But 99.8% of them are cunts". He went on to list the main findings of the research:

- Tony Blair was a mega cunt from day 1 but the invasion of Iraq sent him off the cuntometer.

- Barack Obama was expected to be a reasonable decent bloke but it turns out he's a complete cunt.

- Silvio Berlusconi was merely an ancient penis last week, but now he's 100% cunt for spending $10,000,000,000 defacing another ancient penis.

- Nicolas Sarkozy is a racist cunt for banning burkas and the Welsh from France.

Nick Clegg is only a small cunt for his insignificunt role in the British government

The list of government cunts is endless and a full list of cunts near you can be found here:

MPs across Britain and Europe mostly agree with these findings, unless their opposition agree.

Commonwealth's newest games reflect Britain's glorious past

British athletes prepare for the games.

Spectators will be treated to two exciting new sports at this year's Commonweath Games.

As the curtain raises on this year's host Delhi, organisers spoke for the first time about the inspiration between two very special new events.

The games have been held every two years since the Commonwealth was founded in 1240 and began to impose its rule on the world . Every decade, on years that end in a zero, two new sports are added to the programme. This year's were chosen to reflect the Commonwealth’s longstanding tradition of raping, pillaging, and behaving badly on package holidays.

Commonwealth Games Chairman Ricky Hatton said Britain has much to be proud of. "We're known around the world for the delicacy and grace with which we imposed our rule on our colonial children. It's time to reflect that tradition."

The Colonial Charge hearks back to the Colonial pastime of spreading disease among the world's indigenous populations. Athletes will have two hours to go out among the local populace and infect them with old-fashioned diseases such as cholera, typhoid, syphilis and whooping cough. Whoever chalks up the most infections within that time frame will win the gold. “Many of the participants from countries like India, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa will have had ancestors who died from being infected by incumbent white settlers.” said Hatton. “It’s really a fond walk down memory lane.”

The Great British Holiday reflects on the dying years of Colonial rule and will see participants talking loudly at blank-faced foreigners while trying to drink as many vodka and Redbull drinks as they can before it turns 7.30pm while racing for a seat on a cut-price airline and bitching about the weather.

India, which achieved independence in 1948 and at the time was quoted being “chuffed” about it, is said to be ecstatic that Britain is continuing its tradition of spreading racism and disease across the world.

9-11 theme park plan unveiled at Ground Zero

Anti-Islam mouth frothers across America are breathing sighs of relief at the news the contraversial ground-zero mosque will not be built in New York. Instead, developers are planning to build the world's largest terror theme park on the site.

Tentatively named Terror World, the theme park will feature rides like the Twin Towers of Terror, in which thrill-seekers ride a rollercoaster down a stairwell as burning debris rains down upon them from above. The Mosque of Murder will feature actors dressed as Muslims going about their day-to-day terrorist activities and roaming suicide bombers will detonate random punters.

T-shirts will feature popular slogans like "Jihad a good time at Terror World", "See you on the Sunni Side at Terror World" and "I went to Terror World and all I got was this Shi'ite T-Shirt".

Maverick pastor Terry Jones, who had planned to burn a Koran on the ninth anniversary of the World Trade Center bombings yesterday, is calling the move 'the right decision'.

"Putting a place of peace and worship on the Ground Zero site was incredibly insensitive to all those who died. We need something that symbolises America - and what says the US of A better than a good old fashioned funfair and the greasiest burgers around?"

Jedward joins the Chilean miners

Jedward: utterly pointless

Jedward has been sent deep underground.

The talentless Irish twits have travelled almost half a mile beneath the surface of the earth to deliver a singing telegram to the trapped Chilean miners. The 33 men, who face a three-month wait to be delivered to the surface after part of their mine collapsed, are said to be gobsmacked by the gesture.

Scrawny Jedward was piped down the narrow tube to sing to the fraught men, who can now add “mediocre non-pop” to the list of afflictions they must endure in their underground prison.

Logistics director Hugo Chavez said he was not sure what the Irish twosome would bring to the group, who now have to share air, food and conversation with the newcomers. "We’ve had to send down more food, nappies and suicide pills to the men because of the Jedward,” he said. “Why couldn’t they send the Chuckle Brothers?”

It is unclear who "they" actually is but reports of Simon Cowell being spotted giggling near the mine shaft have prompted speculations that the music mogul is regretting backing the pointless pair and is hoping to literally bury his mistake.

Worryingly for the duo's braindead fans, reports are coming back to the surface that thanks to the language barrier, several of the miners thought Jedward had been sent down as food.

Catalonia votes to ban bullfighting

MINCH NORTON

Catalonia on Wednesday banned bullfighting, making it the second of Spain’s 17 regions to put an end to the gory and controversial spectacle.

After nearly two years of debate, the regional parliament voted to amend animal protection laws to include bullfighting, pig porking and catfish French kissing.

The anti-bullfighting group Prou, which triggered the vote a year ago with a 180,000-signature petition calling for the ban, hailed the decision. Their spokesman Senior Willie, joyously exclaimed, “Today has been the day we were hoping for”. He went on, after taking a bite from his lamb’s brains sandwich: “The suffering of animals in the Catalan bullrings has been abolished once and for all.”

The ban, which could be enforced to include all blood sports and all EU member states, has international Governments in a panic, fearing a barrage of compensation claims from the relatives of the maimed, tortured and slaughtered animals.

The repercussions of the new animal welfare legislature are far reaching.

Whilst some member states are hurriedly putting aside a legal fund to either pay compensation or challenge these claims, France has taken the unusual step in ordering 1.2 billion pairs of prosthetic frogs legs and have started to rent out vacated snail shells at discounted prices to slugs, the profits of which will be used to offset the cost of any claims that are forthcoming from the mollusc community.

Until the ban is officially in place in 2012, the Catalonian parliament has allowed a watered-down version of the blood sport to continue. The new version will no longer see the bull up against four horses, four picadores, four lances, three banderilleros, six banderillas one matador and one sword. Instead the bull will be also be armed with an M2 Browning machine gun (favoured by Rambo), 4 SWAT stun grenades and a Bowie knife.

In protest at the bullfighting ban, the Japanese have withdrawn their membership from the IWC (again) and fearing a wave of unrest and similar legal action being taken by dolphins, have put all sea mammals under house arrest except for those selected for scientific eating.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the no win, no fee legal firm, Sword Injury Claim Lawyers 4 U said their offices have been inundated with calls from widowed cows seeking civil and criminal advice and who are eager to pursue a legal claim against picadores and matadores in cases of GBH and murder.