Thursday, 30 September 2010

Waynetta Slob - Britain's future pin-up?

Britons are getting so fat and ugly that Waynetta Slob will soon be considered a sex symbol, a leading scientist claims.

As the nation tucks into kebabs smothered in lard and chips dipped in raw cholesterol, Britons’ waistlines are expanding by an estimated quarter of an inch a day.

The burgeoning Fat Class can expect to suffer from greasy skin, lank hair and chafed inner thighs. No longer an unfortunate minority, lardy Brits will become the status quo.

An unexpected side effect of this is that our society will begin to re-evaluate what it finds sexy, says Dr Martin Clunes, whose research shows that Waynetta Slob (right), Kathy Burke's slovenly character from a 20th century television show, may soon fit our ideal of beauty.

Dr Clunes’ research team at Tooting University showed hundreds of fatties pictures of other fatties to gauge their reaction as to what they found desirable. The results were surprising.

75 per cent of the chubby participants picked a snap of chubby Jessica Simpson over a pic of a svelte serial killer Rose West, while 80 per cent said they'd rather shag Halle Berry in a fat suit than Sarah Jessica Parker on an average day.

“When I was a lad in the 70s and everyone looked fit, I had Farrah Fawcett on my wall,” Dr Clunes said. “The way we’re going, in 20 years someone like Waynetta Slob will be pinned up in every teenager's room.”

However, he added that teenagers of the future may be too fat even to wank over Waynetta’s floppy funbags. “Britons have stopped exercising. Soon we’ll be too lazy to procreate or even rub one off.”

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Mouse bread pulled out of circulation

Mighty White’s new Mighty Mouse loaf has been pulled out of production after disappointingly low sales.

Mighty White had hoped its new bread, featuring a whole organic rodent in every loaf, would appeal to a wide market of children weaned on Pixar film Ratatouille and adults nostalgic for Tom and Jerry. An advertisement, which has since become a Youtube sensation, featured a group of cartoon mice munching cheese on toast and repeating the catchphrase “Get a mouse-ful of Mighty White!”
Instead, the Mighty Mouse Loaf, which went for a rustic, organic look (see picture, above) was greeted with disgust and revulsion by its consumers.

“This is the lowest of the low,” said disgusted mother-of-four Wilhelmina Williams, who bought a loaf, priced at £1.35, out of curiosity. “I was expecting Mickey Mouse but what I got was roadkill.”

“I can’t understand,” said puzzled CEO Brian Harvey. “Mice are cute, they’re furry – what’s the problem?”

The reaction has been at odds with the feedback received from the initial focus group, in which nine out of ten participants said they would buy the product. However, Harvey has since admitted that nine out of the ten participants involved in the focus group were cats.

Mighty White has now reluctantly shelved its plans of kitten baps and goldfish eclairs.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

"Dedward" leads Labour

David and Edward Miliband have decided to lead Labour to victory by teaming up together, Jedward style, senior party sources revealed this morning.

"Our quiffs are a 'work in progress'" [and so are our photoshopping skills]

Labour's new leaders are desperate to beat the current ConDem government in the next election. "Two against two is like loads fairer than one against two", said Ed, or was it David? He went on to say "This is about a new future for the Labour Party and we is like so brill we're gonna win".

The brothers have already held talks about getting matching skinny jeans and quiffs, in order to appeal to the 'youth' culture. "We need twelve year-olds to love us, just like Jedward, because those oiks, I mean children will be our voters in a few years time", said one of the irritating tossers.

David Cameron laughed so much when he heard about the new branding idea that he ruptured his innards. However his spleen, Nick Clegg said "Dead wood? If it sounds like a turd and smells like one, it propbably is one"

Dedward are in talks with Simon Cowell about releasing a Christmas single.

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Commonwealth's newest games reflect Britain's glorious past

British athletes prepare for the games.

Spectators will be treated to two exciting new sports at this year's Commonweath Games.

As the curtain raises on this year's host Delhi, organisers spoke for the first time about the inspiration between two very special new events.

The games have been held every two years since the Commonwealth was founded in 1240 and began to impose its rule on the world . Every decade, on years that end in a zero, two new sports are added to the programme. This year's were chosen to reflect the Commonwealth’s longstanding tradition of raping, pillaging, and behaving badly on package holidays.

Commonwealth Games Chairman Ricky Hatton said Britain has much to be proud of. "We're known around the world for the delicacy and grace with which we imposed our rule on our colonial children. It's time to reflect that tradition."

The Colonial Charge hearks back to the Colonial pastime of spreading disease among the world's indigenous populations. Athletes will have two hours to go out among the local populace and infect them with old-fashioned diseases such as cholera, typhoid, syphilis and whooping cough. Whoever chalks up the most infections within that time frame will win the gold. “Many of the participants from countries like India, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa will have had ancestors who died from being infected by incumbent white settlers.” said Hatton. “It’s really a fond walk down memory lane.”

The Great British Holiday reflects on the dying years of Colonial rule and will see participants talking loudly at blank-faced foreigners while trying to drink as many vodka and Redbull drinks as they can before it turns 7.30pm while racing for a seat on a cut-price airline and bitching about the weather.

India, which achieved independence in 1948 and at the time was quoted being “chuffed” about it, is said to be ecstatic that Britain is continuing its tradition of spreading racism and disease across the world.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Beckham Amazes USA With His Joined-up Writing

David Beckham stunned wife Victoria yesterday when he presented her with something written in joined-up handwriting.

Victoria rang Gusset News this morning and said "He wrote 'I love you' on a piece of card and the 'love' and 'you' was joined up. He's very clever is my Golden Balls".
David Beckham can now spell 'ball' but is struggling with words like 'crumpet'.

Beckham, who used to play for England, has been practising joined-up writing and colouring-in since 1998. "We've been so impressed with his progress. He never colours off side and no longer dribbles when he sees Cheryl Cole naked", said Victoria. "Next year he's going to start sums and read books with font size as low as 16".

The Beckhams have no other news at this time, are not expecting any more babies and are bonafide and interesting celebrities.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Pope Arrives in Scotland

Pasty-faced Glaswegians await the over-anticipated visit of Pope Benedict the 16th today. The residents of Scotland's roughest town are said to be mildly amused by the arrival of the Catholic leader and some will line the streets and probably soil themselves with apathy as the 'Pope Mobile' passes at 6 mph through the intrepid city centre.

The 'Pope Mobile'

Pope officials said Benedict was 'concerned' that the Queen asked him to enter the UK via Scotland. A Pope colleague told Gusset News: "He's had a rabies inoculation and is taking malaria tablets. He also insists on wearing a bullet-proof vest and mitre".

The Queen is planning a special Scottish feast at Edinburgh's Holyrood House for the Religious Royal. Deep fried haggis will be served from the thighs of a pre-pubescent choir boy and Tennents Special Brew will be 'on tap' from 6am.

The Pope is expected to launch his official commemorative Pope Merchandise later this afternoon.

Scotland has had to place all of its assets in the Aberdeen branch of Cash Converters in order to fund the Pope's visit.

Monday, 13 September 2010

9-11 theme park plan unveiled at Ground Zero

Anti-Islam mouth frothers across America are breathing sighs of relief at the news the contraversial ground-zero mosque will not be built in New York. Instead, developers are planning to build the world's largest terror theme park on the site.

Tentatively named Terror World, the theme park will feature rides like the Twin Towers of Terror, in which thrill-seekers ride a rollercoaster down a stairwell as burning debris rains down upon them from above. The Mosque of Murder will feature actors dressed as Muslims going about their day-to-day terrorist activities and roaming suicide bombers will detonate random punters.

T-shirts will feature popular slogans like "Jihad a good time at Terror World", "See you on the Sunni Side at Terror World" and "I went to Terror World and all I got was this Shi'ite T-Shirt".

Maverick pastor Terry Jones, who had planned to burn a Koran on the ninth anniversary of the World Trade Center bombings yesterday, is calling the move 'the right decision'.

"Putting a place of peace and worship on the Ground Zero site was incredibly insensitive to all those who died. We need something that symbolises America - and what says the US of A better than a good old fashioned funfair and the greasiest burgers around?"

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Gutter-sleeping Amy Winehouse in double-yellow shock

A council worker has been sacked after painting double yellow lines over a drunken slag asleep in the gutter, who turned out to be singer Amy Winehouse.

A spokesman from Camden Council said “Our workers have been working around the clock to make sure people can’t park in Camden, fortunately this was the only drugged up drunk reported to be painted over”.

A pensioner saw the Rehab singer with yellow stripes across her flattened belly outside her home after the council workers freshened parking restrictions in the area. She took the picture below on her camera phone and sent it to Gusset News this morning.

She said "the worker could’ve borrowed me shovel to shift the poor drunkard, but he didn’t. It’s shocking”.

Amy Winehouse spent 4 weeks in the gutter and was said to be surprised that nothing worse had happened to her.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Rooney Faces Disrepute Charges

Literally hours before the Euro 2012 Qualifier against Switzerland, England striker Wayne Rooney has been officially warned by Manager, Don ‘Sleep with the fishes’ Vito Capello that he is to be charged with bringing professional prostitution into disrepute.

Wayne with wife Coleen

In a formal letter to the England Team’s HQ in De Wallen, Amsterdam, the professional prostitutes union, Conglomerate of Ladies In Tarty Stuff (C.L.I.T.S) have given their intent to make formal charges against Rooney for bringing the oldest profession in the world into disrepute.

C.L.I.T.S Union Leader, Olga Van Warmer, said that the fact that one of her members did perform a lewd act (orally de-cheesed his member) on Rooney and charge a fee several times over, was not the point. “The fact is that by actively seeking out one of our members to off load his tube-porridge into has done us untold damage professionally; even the pervs in the Cabinet are giving us a wide berth as they now believe that all of the girls service primates likes Rooney and are rightly worried about disease crossing species.

Despite calls for Rooney to be left out of the team for tonight’s qualifier against Switzerland, Manager Don Capello said, “I am-a not-a concer-ned wid heez private-a life. I am-a here-a to put-a de best-a team-a on-a de field and-a vin de game. Besides-a if-a I leave-a Rooney in de hotel for-a more than-a six-a minutes, he-a cost-a me more than-a de whole-a team’s salary in-a phone-a calls and-a johnnys. At-a least when heez on-a da filed, I-a know where-a he is.”

The tart in the middle of this scandal, who specialises in A and O level, ATM and scat and on average turns 17 tricks an hour, is said to be distraught at what Rooney did to her, “I have never been treated this bad by anyone before, my usual punters normally run out without paying after giving me a kicking. Rooney was sick, we agreed a price and he paid me triple that amount and we politely parted company. He’s just sick, really sick”.

When asked what she was going to spend her kiss-and-tell money on, she said, “Well my mum needs an operation, so while she having that done I’ll blow the lot on crack”.

Another spokeswoman for the Union, K. Price said, “When weel these gilz learn, you just ‘ave to marry ‘em and then it’s cushty innit. Easy money.”

Rooney was unavailable for comment as he was playing on his tyre.


Monday, 6 September 2010

Brown has poopy pants, claims Blair

Tony Blair has been hit by backlash after exposing Gordon Brown’s alleged incontinence problems in his new memoir. The former Prime Minister and warlord has had scorn heaped on him from Labour Party members, who are refuting Blair’s claims that Gordon Brown’s pants were constantly mucky.

In chapter five, Blair recounts a trip to Beijing where Brown soiled himself in front of state dignitaries. “It were well funny,” Blair writes, “Gordy couldn’t remember the Mandarin word for ‘toilet’ and ended up shitting himself at a tea ceremony.”

In another incident at Number 10, Brown wet himself in the hallway, causing the German Chancellor Angela Merkel to slip over and sprain her ankle. “Angie smelled like piss all day and had a face like a slapped trout", Blair claimed.

Stinker: Brown waits for parliament to go into recess so he can change his man-nappy.

Brown is not the only PM with grubby pants - David Cameron's well-publicised stint as a Tena Lady spokesperson went some way to destigmatising party leaders' poo problems but the revelation is still a shock for those in the Brown camp.

An unnamed spokesperson for Brown today described the claims as “ludicrous”. “Gordon Brown’s gusset is no one’s business," he said.

The spokesperson has refused to comment on claims that Brown used plastic sheets on his bed in Number 10.

Blair also recounts in the contraversial memoir how he saw Brown getting changed at the gym one day and noticed that the then Chancellor had no pubic hair.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

Check out September's HOROSCOPE with Paul the psychic octopus.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Stephen Hawking Says The Sky Is Blue

Britain's best loved scientist and paraplegic Stephen Hawking makes amazing scientific observations like "the sky is blue" in his forthcoming book.

Professor Hawking says in his new book, 'The Grand Design', that yellow snow contains wee-wee, Tony Blair is a massive self-indulgent cunt-faced war criminal worse than Adolf Hitler, and that monkeys are funny.

Hawking explains that the earth is round "like a Babybel"

His book has upset many religious groups around the world, mostly Christian, who felt that dogs were loads more funny than our primate relatives. Reverend Rick Astley from Derby said "I will have to ask God about this. It's an outrage. Next he'll be saying that the moon isn't made of cheese".

Scientists are stunned by Professor Hawking's findings "I can't believe that the earth is round and that potassium does a funny thing in water", said Professor Chesney Hawkes of King's College London. He went on to say, "It's amazing! The fact that humans, who I thought were made of lego, chips and luncheon meat, are actually made of many many cells. We have finally come to an understanding about our universe, it's a scientific breakthrough."

Professor Hawking, who got a 'C' in O-Level science but is still cleverer than Carol Vordeman and Anne Robinson put together, will be appearing in Waterstones next week to sign copies of his new book. You may have to sign it yourself to save time.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Hague Denies Ass Bandit Allegations (and so does his boyfriend)

Current Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs and former dull Tory Leader William Hague has denied allegations made by Fleet Street hacks, that he has been having a gay affair with his personal aide Chris Myers, known as Gloria on the circuit.

Hague has come out to insist that the two close friends only shared hotel rooms in light of the recent MP’s expenses scandal and wanted to show the electorate that they were making a valiant effort to cut back.
In a statement Hague said, “Me and Gloria…er Chris only shared the bed to cut back on expense claims. We shared a pot of Vaseline because we both suffer from chapped lips and we both have membership to the Limelight and Blue Oyster Night Clubs because we like dancing and nothing more”.

When probed further Hague went on, “I am in no way a rear gunner, I had enough of that at public school and I can say that it isn’t for me. I don’t mind a bit of Tea- Bagging but the idea of a plump, nubile, Adonis-like young man handling and licking my gentleman’s sausage in Greek fashion just makes me go weak at the knees… with disgust I mean”.

William Hague takes a time-out to think about bums.

Mr. Hague’s personal assistant and bum-chum Chris Myers has resigned over the allegations citing them as “malicious” and “cruel” but has vowed not to be upset by them as it makes his mascara run.

Hague and Myers, in matching Pilot sunglasses, stood firm for each other when they greeted the press in defiance over the rumours. Hague, sporting a tight fitting capped T-shirt, leather trousers, long key-chain and handlebar moustache and Myers wearing Betty Boo shoes, lederhosen and a blouse by Laura Ashley hissed and scratched their innocence over the rimming & ring splitting rumours to the assembled press hounds before sharing and inserting an earphone each of Hague’s iPod and mincing off to sounds of the Pet Shop Boys.

Myers’ spokesman Marc Almond has appealed for calm and requested that the couple be left alone to sort out their personal life. When asked about Hague’s wife Ffffffffion, Almond said that’s who he meant.

Minch Norton

Barack Obama Ends Combat Mission In Iraq

US Muslim President Barack Obama has officially ended America's controversial combat mission in Iraq - but without declaring it a victory just like the Russians did in Afghanistan in 1988.

In a prime time television address to the nation from the Oval Office, he paid tribute to the Bush dynasty and their multiple oil companies for leading the world to the brink of WW3 and thanked Tony Blair for misleading his Government and the UK population and for having Dr. Kelly snuffed out before he could officially report the lack WMD to the Foreign Affairs Select Committee.

But the president, who opposed the invasion of Iraq in 2003 and once branded the war "dumb", refused to turn the event into a victory lap as it was still Ramadan.

Donning a celebratory Pakul hat and brandishing two Kalashnikovs, Mr Obama told the nation: "I am announcing that the American infidel combat mission in Iraq has ended. Operation Iraqi Freedom is over, and the Iraqi people now have lead responsibility for the security of their country. This hails the dawn of Operation We Now Have Control Over The Oil Fields We Wanted So Bollocks To Them.”

"At every turn, America's men and women in uniform have been shot at, killed and maimed in the name of the Bush’s oil companies. They have served with courage and resolve without question and lets face it, we don’t need any more questions about this shit man; it could become embarrassing dude. As Commander-in-Chief, I am proud of the Taliban…er I mean service. Like all Americans? I am awed by their sacrifice, and by the sacrifices of their families and just thank fuck it wasn’t me getting my ass blown off out there just to make some white dude and his family richer."

Some 50,000 US troops will remain in Iraq with guns, knives, tanks and shit like that until the end of next year as part of "advise and assist brigades" supporting Iraqi troops, more commonly known as “This war isn’t actually the fuck over cos these towel-heads keeps on firing them thar AK47 at my ass”.

Mr Obama added: "Ending this war is not only in Iraq's interest - it is in our own. The United States has paid a huge price to put the future of Iraq in the hands of its people and the control of the oil in the hands of the Bush family. Now, it is time to turn the page and forget about this huge cock-up"

But he went on that the Iraq war "should also serve as a message to the world that the US of A intends to sustain and strengthen our leadership in this young century". To mark this momentous occasion Obama has commissioned a specially decorative prayer mat to send out to all serving troops and a special service of thanks will be the first event held in the giant mosque at Ground Zero once it’s completed.

Every Iraqi resident will receive a special 'Freedom Prayer Mat'

Andrew Gilligan Esq

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Jedward joins the Chilean miners

Jedward: utterly pointless

Jedward has been sent deep underground.

The talentless Irish twits have travelled almost half a mile beneath the surface of the earth to deliver a singing telegram to the trapped Chilean miners. The 33 men, who face a three-month wait to be delivered to the surface after part of their mine collapsed, are said to be gobsmacked by the gesture.

Scrawny Jedward was piped down the narrow tube to sing to the fraught men, who can now add “mediocre non-pop” to the list of afflictions they must endure in their underground prison.

Logistics director Hugo Chavez said he was not sure what the Irish twosome would bring to the group, who now have to share air, food and conversation with the newcomers. "We’ve had to send down more food, nappies and suicide pills to the men because of the Jedward,” he said. “Why couldn’t they send the Chuckle Brothers?”

It is unclear who "they" actually is but reports of Simon Cowell being spotted giggling near the mine shaft have prompted speculations that the music mogul is regretting backing the pointless pair and is hoping to literally bury his mistake.

Worryingly for the duo's braindead fans, reports are coming back to the surface that thanks to the language barrier, several of the miners thought Jedward had been sent down as food.