Circus to counsel people scared of clowns

A CIRCUS is offering a counselling service for people who suffer from coulrophobia - the fear of clowns.

John Lawson's Circus, which tours the UK, offers workshops where people can meet two clowns and see them get into character.

The clown-fearers will be forced to watch mime and lame visual gags for four hours until they realise that clowns are not scary, just a tedious talent vacuum and general waste of everyone’s time and money.

If the coulrophobics are still quaking after the boredom therapy they will be placed into a small cage with a clown dressed as Stephen King’s It for three hours. The clown will touch them inappropriately and cut their faces with rusty blades. This therapy is known as ‘flooding’ and sees patients exposed to large amounts of the feared stimulus to shock them into mental health.

Clowns: boring and pointless.

Former coulrophobia Martin Clunes said his fear was ruining his life. “I would freeze up whenever I had to pass a circus tent or a mini because I thought clowns would start pouring out.”

Clunes said it was difficult to pinpoint the origins of his phobia but suggested it may have had something to do with a mime artist brutally murdering his parents in front of him when he was five years old.

Waynetta Slob - Britain's future pin-up?

Britons are getting so fat and ugly that Waynetta Slob will soon be considered a sex symbol, a leading scientist claims.

As the nation tucks into kebabs smothered in lard and chips dipped in raw cholesterol, Britons’ waistlines are expanding by an estimated quarter of an inch a day.

The burgeoning Fat Class can expect to suffer from greasy skin, lank hair and chafed inner thighs. No longer an unfortunate minority, lardy Brits will become the status quo.

An unexpected side effect of this is that our society will begin to re-evaluate what it finds sexy, says Dr Martin Clunes, whose research shows that Waynetta Slob (right), Kathy Burke's slovenly character from a 20th century television show, may soon fit our ideal of beauty.

Dr Clunes’ research team at Tooting University showed hundreds of fatties pictures of other fatties to gauge their reaction as to what they found desirable. The results were surprising.

75 per cent of the chubby participants picked a snap of chubby Jessica Simpson over a pic of a svelte serial killer Rose West, while 80 per cent said they'd rather shag Halle Berry in a fat suit than Sarah Jessica Parker on an average day.

“When I was a lad in the 70s and everyone looked fit, I had Farrah Fawcett on my wall,” Dr Clunes said. “The way we’re going, in 20 years someone like Waynetta Slob will be pinned up in every teenager's room.”

However, he added that teenagers of the future may be too fat even to wank over Waynetta’s floppy funbags. “Britons have stopped exercising. Soon we’ll be too lazy to procreate or even rub one off.”