Circus to counsel people scared of clowns

A CIRCUS is offering a counselling service for people who suffer from coulrophobia - the fear of clowns.

John Lawson's Circus, which tours the UK, offers workshops where people can meet two clowns and see them get into character.

The clown-fearers will be forced to watch mime and lame visual gags for four hours until they realise that clowns are not scary, just a tedious talent vacuum and general waste of everyone’s time and money.

If the coulrophobics are still quaking after the boredom therapy they will be placed into a small cage with a clown dressed as Stephen King’s It for three hours. The clown will touch them inappropriately and cut their faces with rusty blades. This therapy is known as ‘flooding’ and sees patients exposed to large amounts of the feared stimulus to shock them into mental health.

Clowns: boring and pointless.

Former coulrophobia Martin Clunes said his fear was ruining his life. “I would freeze up whenever I had to pass a circus tent or a mini because I thought clowns would start pouring out.”

Clunes said it was difficult to pinpoint the origins of his phobia but suggested it may have had something to do with a mime artist brutally murdering his parents in front of him when he was five years old.

Richard and Judy divorce

Britain's favourite double-act Richard and Judy are set to divorce after 24 years of marriage.

A secret source told Gusset News that Judy filed for divorce this morning after discovering a stash of dodgy photographs in Richard's sock drawer: "She had no idea what Richard was up to". The 24 photographs depicted Richard Madeley wearing his Ali G costume whilst cupping the testicles of Ross Kemp.

Madeley met the ex-Eastenders hardman when he came on the Richard and Judy show over ten years ago. The pair did not get on at first but Madeley lured him into their marital home with cheap wine and out-of-date twiglets.

Madeley denies having a bromance with the Mitchel Brother and insists that the photos have been photoshopped. His agent, Gary Midgely, said: "My client has never fondled the man-bags of any ex-Eastenders actor. This is clearly some evil hoax".

"I never cupped no nads!"

Ross Kemp refused to comment on the matter but a close friend said he was upset that he never received any twiglets.

HOROSCOPES

Paul the psychic octopus has released October's horoscopes

Commonwealth's newest games reflect Britain's glorious past

British athletes prepare for the games.

Spectators will be treated to two exciting new sports at this year's Commonweath Games.

As the curtain raises on this year's host Delhi, organisers spoke for the first time about the inspiration between two very special new events.

The games have been held every two years since the Commonwealth was founded in 1240 and began to impose its rule on the world . Every decade, on years that end in a zero, two new sports are added to the programme. This year's were chosen to reflect the Commonwealth’s longstanding tradition of raping, pillaging, and behaving badly on package holidays.

Commonwealth Games Chairman Ricky Hatton said Britain has much to be proud of. "We're known around the world for the delicacy and grace with which we imposed our rule on our colonial children. It's time to reflect that tradition."

The Colonial Charge hearks back to the Colonial pastime of spreading disease among the world's indigenous populations. Athletes will have two hours to go out among the local populace and infect them with old-fashioned diseases such as cholera, typhoid, syphilis and whooping cough. Whoever chalks up the most infections within that time frame will win the gold. “Many of the participants from countries like India, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa will have had ancestors who died from being infected by incumbent white settlers.” said Hatton. “It’s really a fond walk down memory lane.”

The Great British Holiday reflects on the dying years of Colonial rule and will see participants talking loudly at blank-faced foreigners while trying to drink as many vodka and Redbull drinks as they can before it turns 7.30pm while racing for a seat on a cut-price airline and bitching about the weather.

India, which achieved independence in 1948 and at the time was quoted being “chuffed” about it, is said to be ecstatic that Britain is continuing its tradition of spreading racism and disease across the world.

Gutter-sleeping Amy Winehouse in double-yellow shock

A council worker has been sacked after painting double yellow lines over a drunken slag asleep in the gutter, who turned out to be singer Amy Winehouse.

A spokesman from Camden Council said “Our workers have been working around the clock to make sure people can’t park in Camden, fortunately this was the only drugged up drunk reported to be painted over”.

A pensioner saw the Rehab singer with yellow stripes across her flattened belly outside her home after the council workers freshened parking restrictions in the area. She took the picture below on her camera phone and sent it to Gusset News this morning.

She said "the worker could’ve borrowed me shovel to shift the poor drunkard, but he didn’t. It’s shocking”.

Amy Winehouse spent 4 weeks in the gutter and was said to be surprised that nothing worse had happened to her.

Jesus's Face Found in Skid Marks

Laundry day turned into a holy event when Eunice Jiggins found the face of Jesus in her husband’s skid marks.

“There I was, separating the whites from darks, when I found myself looking into the eyes of the Son of God”, said Eunice. “We’d had a particularly potent curry last Monday and my husband was trumping like a Frenchman!”

Eunice shows Gusset Muncher her husband’s sacred skids.

Husband Jim, said he was surprised when he saw the artwork his bum produced. “I can’t believe God chose my gusset to send the world a message. It’s definitely Jesus, I know that face anywhere. It’s comforting to know he’s watching over us”.

Neighbours and residents from their home-town Bognor Regis have been queuing outside since the news spread. “They come every day and kiss the crusty brown marks of the Lord”, said housewife Eunice.

Not all are optimistic about the authenticity of the Lord’s gravy stains. “It looks more like Richard Madeley”, said Reverend Carmichael. “It’s not as good as the one in the Marmite jar, although it smells nicer”.