Chickens strike in BNP egg row

Chickens all over Britain have refused to lay eggs in case they're wasted on a racist MP's face.

The purchasing of eggs rises in areas where BNP members are expected to visit. Eggs 'sold out' all over Westminster well before 10am yesterday as protesters expected wonky-eyed fascist and BNP leader Nick Griffin to arrive at the Queen's Garden Party.

"I spend hours squeezing out my eggs each week and I'm not having them wasted on any nazi lickers", said Henrietta from Glee Farm in Sussex. "I don't care if I explode, from now on I'm holding them in like a fart at a funeral".

Federal Union of Chickens reported that hens of all shapes and colours across the UK were clenching their egg-holes - a highly dangerous and life-threatening sacrifice. "We've never had a unanimous vote like this, these chickens are risking their lives to stop their shelled periods being lobbed at racist cunts. It's wonderful", said FUC.

Meanwhile BNP leader Nick Griffin has gone to the European Parliament in a bid to label egg boxes clearly, showing whether they were laid by black, brown or white hens. "I only want eggs from white hens thrown at me and my team", said Griffin.

As Griffin was uninvited from the Queen's Garden Party yesterday, protesters broke the world record by making the biggest ever omlette in Trafalgar Square. "If chickens won't lay, we'll use ostrich eggs", said an angry protester, "there's no way we're being beaten on this one".

MEERKATS IN BNP RACE ROW

Nick Griffin cowers as he's pelted with poo-pellets

Police were called to quell a row in London today between members of the far right BNP and Alexander from the ‘compare the meerkat’ adverts.

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP and former cabaret singer, said, “these foreign meerkats are flocking over here and stealing jobs, houses and women from hardworking Yorkshire ferrets”.

The incensed Alexander took to the streets with his furry army and pelted faeces at BNP members. Cars were overturned, petrol bombs thrown and an effigy of Mr Griffin was burnt at the stake.

The meerkat mob targeted fancy dress shops, florists, and a Barry Manilow themed bar, all well known haunts for BNP members.

A frightened BNP member said, “it was like so scary, my partner Colin and I daren’t leave our duplex”.

An innocent racist spoke of his terror as a meerkat glassed him with his own Cinzano and lemonade, “the anger in his eyes man, it was ferral, they look so tame on the ads”.

In an exclusive e-mail The Gusset Muncher's reporter Luke Tunnelling, Alexander said, “if the BNP want a fight they will get it, we’re here to stay. Simples”.

Nick Griffin claims Holocaust was just a Bump in the Night

BNP Leader Nick Griffin has come under scrutiny today for backing a report made by Holocaust denier Heinrich Kochhuth. The report claims new evidence proves the 'alleged' Holocaust happened as result of ‘Nazi Holiday Camps’ being built on ancient Indian burial grounds. It may sound like a plot from an 80’s horror movie but Nick Griffin said “the report is legitimate and even has a watermark”.

Holocaust Deniers, who prefer to be called Holocaust Rebuffers, claim that the Holocaust was a hoax and have welcomed the report. Griffin argues that “since there were no memorandums sent by Hitler asking for the Jews to be killed and all that, it can’t possibly have happened or even be true. I mean derrr!”

The report states that “many ancient Indian corpses were sent to Germany after the first world war because the US was running out of space. Holiday camps such as Auschwitz were then built over the sites and builders even reported paranormal activity at the time. The Jews, gays and mongs were then housed in the camps so that they didn’t have all the bother and grief with fighting the war”

Angry Scouse Ghost Botherer and Holocaust Denier Prof. Derek Acorah quoted “Ancient Indian ghosts are pretty hardcore and have been known to break pencils as well as cause human death” he went on to explain that “In Long Island, New York in 1977 a family of five were killed days after their creepy looking house was plagued by flies. Even the local murderers were scared of the house”

9/11 - Just a Bunch of Ghosts?

The report also claims that the land the Twin Towers was built on was the Tunican Indian burial site and that the disaster was a result of a strong paranormal ‘jump lead’ reflected by the recent drop in share prices at the time. Staff in the Towers also reported occasional paranormal activity. Jason Wingnut, an accounts assistant for KPMG said “sometimes my stapler would go missing and once I saw a pen move”. Other staff reported that their sandwiches went off very quickly in the North Tower but went off normally in the South Tower. Tracy Scroterott from the South Tower reported “once there was a girl trapped in a toilet cubical screaming she was afraid of the light”.

Griffin has been criticised for backing this report in order to gain votes from the anti-Semitic community. The debate continues.