Prince Charles has converted to Islam in a bid to make the Royal Family more multicultural.
Although the monarchy has traditionally avoided associating with brown people, their waning popularity has prompted a move to get with the times. Charles was picked because the family unanimously agreed that he’d look the most awkward in flowing robes.
“The Royal Family has always been seen as a bit out of touch,” said the Windsors’ PR department. “This is a way of bringing a square, racist family into the 21st century.”
Prince Charles has embraced the move and has been spotted praying at the Windsor mosque, speed-reading the Koran and devising mnemonics to memorise the five pillars of Islam: fire, water, earth, wind and heart.
The move comes as Muslims worldwide celebrate Ramadam. During the Muslim holy month Charles must refrain from eating, drinking, or riding wife Camilla Parker-Bowles during daylight hours. Parker-Bowles, who has had to convert along with her husband, is said to be livid about the move. However, she calmed down after receiving a sound beating from the heir to the throne after forgetting her burka on a lunchtime trip to Greggs.
Charles has used his newfound powers of Islam to put a jihad on the Queen after she mistakenly threw away his blanky.
Prince Phillip, well known for his racist rants, called his son a “curry-munching towel-head” and burnt a Q’uran at his gentleman's club in protest, a move which has enraged Mohammed.
The PR department’s other plans to funkify the palace include finally allowing Prince Edward to come out of the closet and having the Queen team up with Snoop Dog on his next album.
Several members of the British royal family, including Her Royal Majesty the Queen, have been struck down by the flesh-eating Ebola virus.
Authorities were alerted this morning by Camilla Parker Bowles, who galloped all the way to London to raise the alarm. As well as Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Charles and Princess Anne are thought to be among the victims.
Windsor Castle has been quarantined by the military as health authorities desperately try to contain the outbreak. Currently, no one is going in or out of the castle and concerns are being raised about the welfare of the 84-year-old monarch, who was recently snapped with friends celebrating her birthday.
Prince Philip is believed to be still functioning. “He’s looked like an Ebola outbreak since the 70s so we can’t really tell what state he’s in,” Major Moranis said. A number of servants and castle staff have also been struck down. “But no one cares about them,” he added.
As helicopters and military vehicles descend on the once-peaceful Windsor this afternoon, authorities are wondering just what went wrong. Tropical medical experts flown in from The Congo, the birthplace of the virus, are meeting today with Parker-Bowles and a lady-in-waiting, the only two people to have left the palace.
Lady-in-waiting Pamela Ayres managed to escape the palace before it was quarantined. She is now in an isolation unit and says the horror of what she saw in the palace will stay with her forever.
“Royals and staff were stumbling around blindly, flesh disintegrating in front of my eyes. Everyone was screaming and gurgling as liquid flesh spewed out of their mouths. It was totally gross.”
Authorities believe a bonobo monkey the queen had employed to dance for her in the evenings may be the carrier of the fatal virus. According to a witness, the monkey was seen heading towards popular Windsor attraction Legoland. A team of animal catchers is trying to track the beast down.
Meanwhile, the Royal Philatelic Society is considering designing a stamp to commemorate the occasion, thought to be the most interesting thing to happen to the royal family since Squidgygate.
The public are being warned to stay inside and not approach any unfamiliar bonobos.
