Brown has poopy pants, claims Blair

Tony Blair has been hit by backlash after exposing Gordon Brown’s alleged incontinence problems in his new memoir. The former Prime Minister and warlord has had scorn heaped on him from Labour Party members, who are refuting Blair’s claims that Gordon Brown’s pants were constantly mucky.

In chapter five, Blair recounts a trip to Beijing where Brown soiled himself in front of state dignitaries. “It were well funny,” Blair writes, “Gordy couldn’t remember the Mandarin word for ‘toilet’ and ended up shitting himself at a tea ceremony.”

In another incident at Number 10, Brown wet himself in the hallway, causing the German Chancellor Angela Merkel to slip over and sprain her ankle. “Angie smelled like piss all day and had a face like a slapped trout", Blair claimed.

Stinker: Brown waits for parliament to go into recess so he can change his man-nappy.

Brown is not the only PM with grubby pants - David Cameron's well-publicised stint as a Tena Lady spokesperson went some way to destigmatising party leaders' poo problems but the revelation is still a shock for those in the Brown camp.

An unnamed spokesperson for Brown today described the claims as “ludicrous”. “Gordon Brown’s gusset is no one’s business," he said.

The spokesperson has refused to comment on claims that Brown used plastic sheets on his bed in Number 10.

Blair also recounts in the contraversial memoir how he saw Brown getting changed at the gym one day and noticed that the then Chancellor had no pubic hair.

Dr Kelly investigation was led by a dinner lady

A ‘forensic scientist’ who investigated the death Dr David Kelly was in fact a dinner lady called Maureen.


The Government report, found on a bus by our Gusset reporter, reveals that the dinner lady had no formal training in forensic science but ‘once saw a trailer for CSI and looked intelligent with a clipboard’.

There are calls for a new inquiry into the death of Dr Kelly, a weapons inspector, who apparently committed suicide (but was probably murdered) after he said that the Government “sexed-up” a dossier that made it look cool to bomb a Middle East country that had loads of oil that Britain and America could ‘take over’.

Senior detectives last night expressed surprise that a dinner lady had been sent to the scene when Dr Kelly’s body was found in a forest near his home in 2003.

Before the dinner lady was asked to investigate Dr. Kelly’s death she had spent most of her working life at a small infant school in Wigan. “A man who said he was from the Government asked me if I knew anything about forensic science, so I says ‘no’, so he says ‘great, we need you to do this job...” said Maureen, who’s now retired as a dinner lady.

The dinner lady’s suicide verdict on Dr. Kelly’s death has now been questioned by leading doctors, lawyers and catering staff who support the demand for a full inquest.

The dinner lady was not called to give evidence at the inquiry because she had to help serve orange squash at the school play.

Tony Blair, an unconvicted war criminal who now works for a Middle East country with loads of oil, said “it is common knowledge that forensic scientists should go to college and be qualified, and stuff, so I have no idea how or why a dinner lady ended up leading this investigation”.

The new inquiry will now be carried out by a chef from Bolton.

UK, US set date to scarper from Afghanistan

MINCH NORTON
Westminster

Afghan forces should run their own military operations by 2014, international leaders have agreed while trying to sound undefeated and not at all embarrassed.

However, NATO's chief said the alliance would remain in the country after that date in a bid to look like they haven’t really abandoned the war torn country after making yet another bad decision to invade without a valid or sanctioned reason.

Representatives from more than 60 countries attended a landmark international conference in Afghan capital Kabul to discuss a timetable for the handover of security. The meeting saw the Ambassadors’ aides quickly run into the conference room wearing full flak jackets and matching apparel, toss a hastily scribbled
note with the words, “We quit” written on it and run out into a waiting armoured car.

When interviewed via radio link from their private state aircraft heading away from the troubled country, they all bravely agreed that Afghan forces should begin taking security responsibility in some areas by the end of this year.

The country's president Hamid Karzai said Afghanistan and its Western backers shared "a vicious common enemy". He then went on to say, “Hang on where the fuck are you lot off to? I thought we were in this together?...... I’ve got some oil! Wait! Come back!”

At a poolside interview in Geneva Nato Secretary-General Anders Fogh Rasmussen said the alliance would never allow the Taliban to topple the government of Afghanistan and if they did then it wasn’t really NATO’s fault, “Cuz we’ve gone na, innit”. However, he added that transition to Afghan-led security would be based on "conditions,
not calendars", which means whoever kills the most of the other
side will be the ones who NATO will negotiate with.

George Bush kissed goodbye to the Afghan issue long ago.

“All we can do now is provide US and UK manufactured weapons to the
side we see as winning at the time and hope for the best.”

UK Foreign Secretary William Hague said the war torn country needed ex Prime Minister Tony Blair's assistance. "After all, he started it. And I don’t like these wrap-heads calling me The Giant Baby and rubbing my bottom”.

Blair was not available for comment as he was cashing his cheque for $2m after another 2 hours lecture on the subject of ‘Me And Why I’m So Great’ on the American University circuit.

Former President George W. Bush, Tony Blair’s fierce ally, was also not available as it was his nap time in the playroom.

Amid fears that peace efforts will bring Islamist extremists into the government, US Secretary of State and political sell out Hillary Clinton sought to assure Afghan women that they would not be forgotten until she left the country.

Tony Blair’s make-up cost taxpayers £750,000

The enormous cost of maintaining Tony Blair’s looks is to be investigated after it was revealed his make-up artists were costing £750,000 per year, half of which were expenses alone.

The make-up artists, funded by taxpayers, stay in five-star hotels, eat caviar and drink posh cocktails as they follow the former Prime Minister around the world. “One even claimed for a packet of Percy Pigs from M&S”, said an angry taxpayer.

Mr Blair, who famously sent British troops to fight an (alleged) illegal war in the Middle East now works as a Middle East mediator, earning himself an astonishing £20m p.a. (ote).

Current Prime Minister David Cameron said this needed to be reviewed. "Obviously former Prime Ministers need to look cute, but we have to make sure it isn’t costing taxpayers more than is necessary."

Our Gusset source revealed the £750,000 make-up bill for 09/10 also included the following:

Hairspray:        £5,700

Mascara:          £4,200

Blusher:           £3,800

Manicures:       £6,300

Pedicures:           £900

Botox:           £29,800
Fake tan:          £29.67

Tampax:          £9,800

It also showed an expenses bill from Mr Blair's ten-person make-up team from a recent holiday to Tenerife, totalling £43,000. This included a £6,000 bar bill. Mr Blair apparently did not even wear any make-up during the seven day holiday.

Not all taxpayers are angry at the ridiculous expenses: “I think it’s vitally important that our former Prime Ministers look deliciously pretty at all times, and I don’t mind if that’s what my tax goes on”, said Cheryl Blain from Wigan.