Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Dr Kelly investigation was led by a dinner lady

A ‘forensic scientist’ who investigated the death Dr David Kelly was in fact a dinner lady called Maureen.

The Government report, found on a bus by our Gusset reporter, reveals that the dinner lady had no formal training in forensic science but ‘once saw a trailer for CSI and looked intelligent with a clipboard’.

There are calls for a new inquiry into the death of Dr Kelly, a weapons inspector, who apparently committed suicide (but was probably murdered) after he said that the Government “sexed-up” a dossier that made it look cool to bomb a Middle East country that had loads of oil that Britain and America could ‘take over’.

Senior detectives last night expressed surprise that a dinner lady had been sent to the scene when Dr Kelly’s body was found in a forest near his home in 2003.

Before the dinner lady was asked to investigate Dr. Kelly’s death she had spent most of her working life at a small infant school in Wigan. “A man who said he was from the Government asked me if I knew anything about forensic science, so I says ‘no’, so he says ‘great, we need you to do this job...” said Maureen, who’s now retired as a dinner lady.

The dinner lady’s suicide verdict on Dr. Kelly’s death has now been questioned by leading doctors, lawyers and catering staff who support the demand for a full inquest.

The dinner lady was not called to give evidence at the inquiry because she had to help serve orange squash at the school play.

Tony Blair, an unconvicted war criminal who now works for a Middle East country with loads of oil, said “it is common knowledge that forensic scientists should go to college and be qualified, and stuff, so I have no idea how or why a dinner lady ended up leading this investigation”.

The new inquiry will now be carried out by a chef from Bolton.

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