Monday, 16 August 2010

£72 Billion Debt Forces MOD To Buy Tesco Range

Dr. Liam Fox, The Secretary of State for Defence, has today unveiled his massive cutbacks in MOD spending. Citing the £72 billion worth of debt left by the previous Labour Government as the cause for the severe money saving strategy, Dr. Fox said that “…the Labour chickens had come home to roost”. In the strictest cutbacks since Lord Kitchener ordered the front line troops of the Great War to “Bombard the bosche with empty bully beef tins” in an effort to save on ammunition costs, Dr. Fox has stated that the Military Chiefs will now be held accountable and have more say in how their budget is spent. Canceling all orders for new weapons and equipment from the US, BAE, France and the Taliban, the Secretary for State has issued each Military Chief with their own Club Card and instructions to purchase weapons, ammunition, equipment and various land, sea and air craft from the recently launched Tesco value range of defence products.

“With double points on everything over fifty quid, we’re on a win-win deal with Tesco”, the Secretary said.

When questioned if he thought that the blue and white striped design of the Tesco value range of military clothing for example, may make British soldiers stand out in the killing fields in Afghanistan and Iraq, Dr Fox stated that, “Just by moving our purchases to the value range we will save an estimated £21 billion just on uniforms alone. Our overall plan is then to replace our EuroFighter Typhoon Jets with Cessna crop spraying planes at a saving of £3.4 billion, which will then fly over the combat zones spraying blue and white stripes across the battle field, making our boys on the front line almost completely invisible”.

When challenged further on the effectiveness of catapults firing dried peas against the favoured RPG of the Taliban, Dr. Fox commented that, “Dennis The Menace and The Bash Street Kids have successfully used the catapult for years with glowing results, and there is nothing worse than the sting of a dried pea hitting you on the earlobe to really demoralize your enemy”.

Further cuts will see the Challenger 2 British Army battle tanks being phased out and replaced with Halfords own brand mountain bikes over the next six months. And the infantry’s full kit will now include a sewing needle and thread, with instructions to repair any bullet holes that may be accumulated in the line of duty before passing out and dying. Failure to render the uniform fit to be ‘handed down’ will result in Court-Martial.

In a bid to lead by example Dr. Fox said he will continue to advertise bingo and donate 2% of his fee to the MOD fund.

Minch Norton

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