Muff to be banned say Tories

A ban on muff has been proposed as part of the new ConDem Government's crackdown on any potential labour voters being born.

Chastity belts will be strapped to all women by male MPs, determined to prevent the birth of thousands of new leftie voters.

Ross Kemp, the secretary of state for sex, told Gusset Muncher, "according to the chief medical officer, half the British public owns a muff and that’s a fact."

Kemp added, "intercourse often results in tears and babies, as well as thousands of depressing Channel 4 dramas with working class people. Banning muff is the only way forward.”

Regular user of muff and deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said, "I love muff but we all have to make sacrifices. We can either import neutered Romany prostitutes at a cost of hundreds of pence, or we can tackle the heart of the problem - the existence of muff."

Government sources say muff will likely be banned until 2014.