Richard and Judy divorce

Britain's favourite double-act Richard and Judy are set to divorce after 24 years of marriage.

A secret source told Gusset News that Judy filed for divorce this morning after discovering a stash of dodgy photographs in Richard's sock drawer: "She had no idea what Richard was up to". The 24 photographs depicted Richard Madeley wearing his Ali G costume whilst cupping the testicles of Ross Kemp.

Madeley met the ex-Eastenders hardman when he came on the Richard and Judy show over ten years ago. The pair did not get on at first but Madeley lured him into their marital home with cheap wine and out-of-date twiglets.

Madeley denies having a bromance with the Mitchel Brother and insists that the photos have been photoshopped. His agent, Gary Midgely, said: "My client has never fondled the man-bags of any ex-Eastenders actor. This is clearly some evil hoax".

"I never cupped no nads!"

Ross Kemp refused to comment on the matter but a close friend said he was upset that he never received any twiglets.

Muff to be banned say Tories

A ban on muff has been proposed as part of the new ConDem Government's crackdown on any potential labour voters being born.

Chastity belts will be strapped to all women by male MPs, determined to prevent the birth of thousands of new leftie voters.

Ross Kemp, the secretary of state for sex, told Gusset Muncher, "according to the chief medical officer, half the British public owns a muff and that’s a fact."

Kemp added, "intercourse often results in tears and babies, as well as thousands of depressing Channel 4 dramas with working class people. Banning muff is the only way forward.”

Regular user of muff and deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said, "I love muff but we all have to make sacrifices. We can either import neutered Romany prostitutes at a cost of hundreds of pence, or we can tackle the heart of the problem - the existence of muff."

Government sources say muff will likely be banned until 2014.