Friday, 30 July 2010

New BB Housemate Revealed

A record 3 housemates lamely walked out of the Big Brother house since the show started 8 weeks ago. The 11th Big Brother has been the most boring yet, and Channel 4 executives have been desperate to gain audiences.

The newest contestant entered the BB house in the early hours of this morning, but most of the vacuous wannabes are unaware that their new housemate is none other than Yorkshire ripper, Peter Sutcliffe.

The Broadmoor resident was recently denied parole, however due to a High Court admin error, caused by a sleepy underpaid temp, Sutcliffe has been lawfully granted ‘house arrest’. In layman’s terms, this means Sutcliffe can be ‘detained in any secure unit’ for a maximum of 3 weeks.

Sutcliffe’s lawyer, Alan Dershowitz said, “The Big Brother House is exceptionally secure and is manned by a hightec security team 24/7”. He went on to say, “Sutcliffe will feel at home confined to a restricted area full of other mentalists”.

Channel 4 told Gusset News that the prostitute botherer is ‘fitting in well’ with his new inmates, and has struck up a strong bond with sassy scouse Rachel. “This morning he sidled up to the scantily clad northerner and asked if he could tie her up with Josie’s big pants”, said Davina McCall. Unfortunately the bearded serial killer was later disturbed by crab-eyed housemate John James, who interrupted the pair whilst looking for his favourite hanky.
Murderous intent or product placement

Meanwhile, Yorkshire slappa Corin Forshaw has been missing from the Big Brother house since lunchtime.

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Catalonia votes to ban bullfighting


Catalonia on Wednesday banned bullfighting, making it the second of Spain’s 17 regions to put an end to the gory and controversial spectacle.

After nearly two years of debate, the regional parliament voted to amend animal protection laws to include bullfighting, pig porking and catfish French kissing.

The anti-bullfighting group Prou, which triggered the vote a year ago with a 180,000-signature petition calling for the ban, hailed the decision. Their spokesman Senior Willie, joyously exclaimed, “Today has been the day we were hoping for”. He went on, after taking a bite from his lamb’s brains sandwich: “The suffering of animals in the Catalan bullrings has been abolished once and for all.”

The ban, which could be enforced to include all blood sports and all EU member states, has international Governments in a panic, fearing a barrage of compensation claims from the relatives of the maimed, tortured and slaughtered animals.

The repercussions of the new animal welfare legislature are far reaching.

Whilst some member states are hurriedly putting aside a legal fund to either pay compensation or challenge these claims, France has taken the unusual step in ordering 1.2 billion pairs of prosthetic frogs legs and have started to rent out vacated snail shells at discounted prices to slugs, the profits of which will be used to offset the cost of any claims that are forthcoming from the mollusc community.

Until the ban is officially in place in 2012, the Catalonian parliament has allowed a watered-down version of the blood sport to continue. The new version will no longer see the bull up against four horses, four picadores, four lances, three banderilleros, six banderillas one matador and one sword. Instead the bull will be also be armed with an M2 Browning machine gun (favoured by Rambo), 4 SWAT stun grenades and a Bowie knife.

In protest at the bullfighting ban, the Japanese have withdrawn their membership from the IWC (again) and fearing a wave of unrest and similar legal action being taken by dolphins, have put all sea mammals under house arrest except for those selected for scientific eating.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the no win, no fee legal firm, Sword Injury Claim Lawyers 4 U said their offices have been inundated with calls from widowed cows seeking civil and criminal advice and who are eager to pursue a legal claim against picadores and matadores in cases of GBH and murder.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

BP boss' McDonald's shame

Fall from grace: Tony Hayward's supersized shame.

Just days after disgraced BP chief executive Tony Hayward was sacked, he has been ordered to pay $32.6bn (£20.6bn) in oil spill costs.

Hayward has been made personally accountable for the environmental disaster and has been instructed to cough up enough to clean up all the sticky penguins, soiled beaches and poisoned fish.

The slippery Brit has been forced to move his family out of their 23-bedroom mansion in Windsor and relocate to a council estate in Slough. The sale of his estate fetched £5.2 million. Hayward will pay the remainder off at £50/week for 4,016,000 weeks in his new role as an assistant deputy manager at McDonald’s in Slough.

Yesterday his manager said he was doing well. “His customer service skills are improving, but we don’t let him near the deep fat fryer, for obvious reasons.”

Hayward has also been ordered by a BP court judge to spend 456,730 hours scrubbing down oily wildlife as part of a community service penalty. He will also be issuing a handwritten apology to every bird affected by the spill.

Meanwhile, Hayward’s two children, Tarquin and Sairose, have been taken out of their £345,000/year school and sent to Slough Comprehensive. “The uniforms chafe so, and they don’t even have any decent polo ponies,” complained Sairose to a Gusset reporter yesterday.

The children have also suffered a pocket money paycut of over 99.8 per cent as their weekly dosh is slashed from £1500 to just £3.50.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Chickens strike in BNP egg row

Chickens all over Britain have refused to lay eggs in case they're wasted on a racist MP's face.

The purchasing of eggs rises in areas where BNP members are expected to visit. Eggs 'sold out' all over Westminster well before 10am yesterday as protesters expected wonky-eyed fascist and BNP leader Nick Griffin to arrive at the Queen's Garden Party.

"I spend hours squeezing out my eggs each week and I'm not having them wasted on any nazi lickers", said Henrietta from Glee Farm in Sussex. "I don't care if I explode, from now on I'm holding them in like a fart at a funeral".

Federal Union of Chickens reported that hens of all shapes and colours across the UK were clenching their egg-holes - a highly dangerous and life-threatening sacrifice. "We've never had a unanimous vote like this, these chickens are risking their lives to stop their shelled periods being lobbed at racist cunts. It's wonderful", said FUC.

Meanwhile BNP leader Nick Griffin has gone to the European Parliament in a bid to label egg boxes clearly, showing whether they were laid by black, brown or white hens. "I only want eggs from white hens thrown at me and my team", said Griffin.

As Griffin was uninvited from the Queen's Garden Party yesterday, protesters broke the world record by making the biggest ever omlette in Trafalgar Square. "If chickens won't lay, we'll use ostrich eggs", said an angry protester, "there's no way we're being beaten on this one".

Cameron in pregnancy benefit shock

Big prick: Cameron allegedly ordered an employee to sabotage his condoms.

David Cameron secretly impregnated his wife to obtain extra child benefits, a source has revealed.

The cash-strapped PM allegedly knocked up his long-term squeeze Samantha after realising he would not be able to put luxury holidays and moat-cleaning on expenses, an anonymous aide to the leader revealed.

The aide said Cameron had sat up for hours on end researching benefits on the net. After discovering he was not eligible for sickness benefit or jobseeker’s allowance, he hit upon the idea of impregnating his wife.

“Cameron gave me a big pin and I had to go his bedside drawer and prick holes in all his condoms,” said the aide. “Then he ordered me to spike Sam’s Horlicks with Viagra and lube up all her crotchless knickers.”

The £20/week will be saved for ten years, at which time Cameron apparently intends to spend the £10,000 on a topless singles cruise.

This revelation follows the scandal that rocked Westmister last week when a secret tape revealed Cameron speaking candidly about his unborn child. The Tory leader can clearly be heard telling deputy PM Nick Clegg that he was considering selling his future child into white slavery once it reached the age of five. “Or maybe sell it for parts,” he was heard adding, to peals of laughter from Clegg.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

UK, US set date to scarper from Afghanistan


Afghan forces should run their own military operations by 2014, international leaders have agreed while trying to sound undefeated and not at all embarrassed.

However, NATO's chief said the alliance would remain in the country after that date in a bid to look like they haven’t really abandoned the war torn country after making yet another bad decision to invade without a valid or sanctioned reason.

Representatives from more than 60 countries attended a landmark international conference in Afghan capital Kabul to discuss a timetable for the handover of security. The meeting saw the Ambassadors’ aides quickly run into the conference room wearing full flak jackets and matching apparel, toss a hastily scribbled
note with the words, “We quit” written on it and run out into a waiting armoured car.

When interviewed via radio link from their private state aircraft heading away from the troubled country, they all bravely agreed that Afghan forces should begin taking security responsibility in some areas by the end of this year.

The country's president Hamid Karzai said Afghanistan and its Western backers shared "a vicious common enemy". He then went on to say, “Hang on where the fuck are you lot off to? I thought we were in this together?...... I’ve got some oil! Wait! Come back!”

At a poolside interview in Geneva Nato Secretary-General Anders Fogh Rasmussen said
the alliance would never allow the Taliban to topple the government of Afghanistan and if they did then it wasn’t really NATO’s fault, “Cuz we’ve gone na, innit”. However, he added that transition to Afghan-led security would be based on "conditions,
not calendars", which means whoever kills the most of the other
side will be the ones who NATO will negotiate with.

George Bush kissed goodbye to the Afghan issue long ago.

“All we can do now is provide US and UK manufactured weapons to the
side we see as winning at the time and hope for the best.”

UK Foreign Secretary William Hague said the war torn country needed ex Prime Minister Tony Blair's assistance. "After all, he started it. And I don’t like these wrap-heads calling me The Giant Baby and rubbing my bottom”.

Blair was not available for comment as he was cashing his cheque for $2m after another 2 hours lecture on the subject of ‘Me And Why I’m So Great’ on the American University circuit.

Former President George W. Bush, Tony Blair’s fierce ally, was also not available as it was his nap time in the playroom.

Amid fears that peace efforts will bring Islamist extremists into the government, US Secretary of State and political sell out Hillary Clinton sought to assure Afghan women that they would not be forgotten until she left the country.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

BP: "please release Yorkshire Ripper"

BP has been criticised again today for lobbying the British government for the release of serial killer Peter Sutcliffe.

The Yorkshire ripper was sentenced to 20 life sentences in 1981 for murdering 13 prostitutes and attempting to murder a further 7. However, a high court judge condemned the jailbird to ‘prison perpetuity’, after refusing his request for parole.

BP said it pressed for the release of the prisoner because his custody was damaging its “commercial interests” and disrupt its £90 million petrol station in Yorkshire.

BP recently came under scrutiny for upsetting the USA by helping release a terrorist that killed hundreds of Americans and for covering the country in its oil spill.

Chris Peacock, a spokesman for BP, admitted to The Gusset that Sutcliffe’s release would have closed the deal on their murder-themed petrol station, which planned to sell 'Yorkshire Slippers', donning the murderer's face and include a ‘pic axe mix’. “What more could those flat-capped-whippet-loving-pigeon-licking Northern bastards want?” Said Peacock, who was looking forward to Sutcliffe cutting the red tape (with round-edge scissors) on the new fuel pumps.

Yorkshire Council was said to be 'gutted' at the news. The county had high hopes of capitalising on Sutcliffe's release and will now have to burn all 500 of its “Kill your speed – not a prostitute” road signs that were intended to don residential roads in the borough.
What a waste!

Friday, 16 July 2010

French say 'non' to veils


The French parliament has voted overwhelmingly in favour of a ban on wearing veils over the face, a move which could make the Muslim burka and the traditional bank robber mask illegal.

There were 336 votes for the bill and just one against at the National Assembly.

President Nicolas Sarkozy has pushed for the law and said yesterday that the full veil "hurts the dignity of women, and is not acceptable in French society", as he slipped his 19-year old glamour model intern one doggy-style.

But government advisers warned the proposed ban could be unconstitutional. Face-covering veils, like the burka, niqab, Hamburglar and Batman masks are worn by many Muslim women out of choice and are not required by Islamic law.

However, some critics claim that many are pressured into wearing the veil and Dr. Marten boots combo.

Vas te faire encule: defiant burka wearers are up in arms about the ban.

Although France has the largest Muslim population in Europe - an estimated five million people - the veil ban is thought to only directly affect fewer than 2,000 women, 560 burglars, 109 bank robbers and 87 surgeons but a huge 12 million French S&M and rubber fetish pervs.

The new legislation will forbid face-covering veils in all public places in France. Armed robbers must first declare their intentions while speaking into a CCTV and declaring their real name and address before donning any type of veil or mask.

Anyone caught flouting the ban would face a £125 fine or citizenship classes, or both. Those convicted of forcing someone else to wear a full veil would be hit with a fine of£25,000, a one-year jail sentence and a public spanking with a leather fetish paddle and butt-plug insertion.

If the ban is approved by parliament the law could come into force by September, exactly 100 years after a similar law was passed in France forbidding all women to shave their armpits and 200 years since the consumption of two bulbs of raw garlic daily was made mandatory.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Badgers delcare war on Welsh

Badgers in South West Wales have declared a cull of the humans in their area.

A gathering army of badgers is preparing to dispatch with local humans by whatever means necessary following claims that the local population is spreading STDs, drunkenness and unwanted pregnancies amongst the tunnelling creatures.

Statistics show a 20 per cent rise in abortions among badgers in the first six months of the year. Jobs that once went to the badger population, such as digging tunnels and gathering worms and berries, have been snapped up by humans, resulting in badger unemployment reaching an all-time high of 27 per cent.

Champion of badgers Brian May leads his comrades into battle.

Traditionally abstinent creatures, badgers are also developing problems with alcohol and drugs as humans open more and more underground bars and clubs in badger strongholds.

The proposed badger cull in the region was the “last straw”, according to honorary badger and underground resistance leader Brian May. “Badgers are peaceable creatures unless provoked,” he said. “And these badgers have had enough of the victimisation they’ve received at the hands of the government and the local population.”

“The time of the humans is over,” he added. “And the time of the badger is at hand.”

Locals are warned to head for higher ground and pray the badgers don't think to tunnel upwards.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Cockneys Infest Posh Village

Berkshire council has been inundated with complaints of Cockney infestation.

Cockneys nest in roofs, gardens and wall insulations of homes in highly populated middle classes areas, sometimes forcing people with double-barrelled surnames out of their own homes.

“I heard a rumble in my loft and thought it was badgers but there was a family of 8 pearly kings and queens singing ‘knees up mother brown’ amongst my old Monsoon clothes”, said distraught Henrietta Bon-Clyde from Aldermaston Village. “I tried everything, pesticides, lion dung, even playing Michael Buble on full blast, but they won’t go”.

According to anthropologists at King’s College London, Cockneys are known to breed quickly in the hot weather and the population could get out of control of not dealt with quickly.

A Cockney luring a male during mating season

Cockney coke-bothering heathen Daniella Westbrook issued a press release quoting: “We ain’t ‘ere to ‘arm na-one innit. We es jus lookin for sum were pritty to park ar arse ‘oles jurin this ‘eat”.

The Hewitt-Browns were driven out of their Edwardian cottage due to half the Eastenders cast nesting in their pipe cladding. “They shout and argue all night”, said father of 3, Tarquin, “they come back in the middle of the night after going ‘up west’ and one female Cockney actually bit me on the leg”.

The Council is trying to bait the East London oiks out with a super-breed of Scousers and hope to cull the pesky pigeon lickers by August. “It could be worse”, said the MP for Eton, “at least they’re not mockneys”.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Fake Bidder Sentenced For eBay Scam


Paul Barrett has become the first person to be prosecuted in the UK for bidding against himself on online auction site eBay.

The online scamster was fined £5,000, ordered to carry out 250 hours of unpaid work and sentenced to death.

The judge said Barrett only escaped a prison sentence because of the relatively small amounts of money involved and because he had no previous convictions apart from placing a bet on himself with William Hill, to win the Paul Barrett World Cup, which saw Barrett organise, promote and feature as the only team in the Paul Barrett World Cup.

In a practice known as 'shill bidding', the minibus company owner used two different logins to bid against himself on items he was selling, forcing bidders to raise their prices.

Paul Barrett prepares to post himself to himself, after winning himself on eBay.

If Barrett accidentally won an auction he was bidding on he would leave positive feedback about himself but often, in a bad mood, he would berate himself as a crap seller, “Don’t buy anything from this tosser. Bought item 8 weeks ago and still no sign of it.” was just one of the reviews he left for himself.

Using this process he managed to sell two Mercedes vehicles, a pie and pasty warmer, a cash register, a refrigerated display counter, a Land Rover, a bacon butty, a shotgun and a digital camera.

His plan only unravelled after a buyer complained about a van he had been sold and Barrett's second identity was discovered.

The Jury, which was made up of banking CEO’s, ex-treasury ministers and an ex-Chancellor found Barrett guilty within minutes of gross misrepresentation, obtaining monies by deception, creating a false economy, market manipulation, selling items that people cannot really afford and wearing the wrong school tie.

On sentencing Barrett at Judge Peter Benson, said: "If you had gone to the right public school you would have had a great career in finance and we could have let you off with a special handshake. However, you are scum, poor, fat and bald; just not the right image we want for a Bilderberg member

Monday, 12 July 2010

Gazza "chuffed" at Negotiator role

Home Secretary Theresa May has confirmed today that the police will now use Paul (Gazza) Gascoigne in all future police hostage negotiations.

Gazza brought chicken parmo, a negligee and a fishing rod to the hostage scene with Raoul Moat in the early hours of Sunday morning, but police refused to let the ex-Newcastle striker through the cordon.

Raoul Moat killed himself during the six hour stand off after police shot the moon-faced mentalist with taser guns. “If they let Gazza through, he could have saved him. I just know it”, said May at a police press conference this morning. “Police need to make radical changes to the way they negotiate with hostages, and Gazza’s tactics are the way forward”.

Gazza was said to be delighted at the news, “Eeh! Aye cannae believe it, I’m meed up. Will need a new shell suit leek”, said the ex-wife beater.

May confirmed the need to restore the police’s reputation after the major cock-up during the weekend’s negotiations in the North East. “The police need to learn from Gazza’s chicken and lager methods, it’s what all murderers need when under pressure”. She was applauded as she announced the 43 year-old football hero would lead the way. “Who knows, we may even use him for future terrorist negotiations”.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

George Michael's oil rig humiliation

Toilet skulker and soft-core drug user George Michael has been handed down a sentence of public humiliation by an unsympathetic judge.

The singer-songwriter got blazed after Sunday’s Gay Pride parade and careened into the front of a Snappy Snaps store.

At the Walthamstow District Court on Tuesday morning Judge John Dredd told Michael to “sort yourself out,” referring to the camp crooner’s habit of picking up cops in toilets and hot boxing his car in public places.

As an unrepentant Michael shrugged his stoned shoulders, Judge Dredd gave what he termed “the harshest sentence I’ve ever had to hand down”: 150 hours’ public humiliation. The sentence will see the former Wham singer forced to visit a series of Atlantic sea oilrigs while wearing a sandwich board bearing the legend: “Too cute to be straight.”

Oil rigs have not been kind to gay entertainers in the past. In 1985, flamboyant American entertainer Liberace met his death on a North Sea oil rig, where he was dismembered after an impromptu cabaret performance of Hello Dolly. In 1990, Freddie Mercury was forced to swim almost 1500 miles after an Ann Summers party on a Gulf of Mexico rig went badly wrong.

As George Michael’s fans around the world anxiously await his fate, the man himself is philosophical about the sentence.

“I’ve made a bong out of an old fish tank,” he said. “I’m not going to remember any of this.”

'Witch Hunt' for Psychic Octopus

Paul the psychic octopus has received death threats from enraged Germans on a mass octo-hunt.

Angry Germans believe that the gifted mollusc is a witch who should be burnt at the stake after he correctly predicted Germany will lose against Spain in the recent world cup semi final.

Germans, from all over Germany, will hunt down and burn all 'psy pi' (psychic octopi) until the real Paul is found. "We can't do the drowning thing, normally done to witches, because they live in the sea and can swim n that," said Hans Schicklgruber, an angry German football fan.

an angry German football fan

Paul's keepers have taken him to a secret place so he can concentrate on predicting the correct winner of the FIFA world cup 2010. "He's not a witch, he's been right every time but he's not evil. He doesn't even own a broom," said a concerned keeper. "We're not trying to make money from him, I mean, this Rolex is only 9ct gold."

Meanwhile bbqs are being set up in every German town and village, ready for the ceremonious burning.

BREAKING NEWS: Paul has predicted that England will win the world cup!

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Raoul Moat: scent of a killer

Uber-tanned gunman Raoul Moat is planning to release a line of fragrances.

According to cosmetic giant Avon, Moat, who is currently on the run after shooting his ex girlfriend, killing her lover and attacking a policeman, is exactly what “real men” wish to smell like.

Avon spokeswoman Barbara Windsor said Moat’s new fragrance, Laceration, will appeal to metrosexuals who want a little more masculinity in their lives. “People are moving away from pretty-boy perfume and into the realm of real men,” said Windsor. “They want to smell like kerosene and the inside of men’s clubs.”

The scent will contain notes of the chavvy shotgun-toter’s own pheromones, tan-tainted sweat, stereoids and desperation.

“Raoul is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in,” said Windsor. “In today’s PC-gone-mad we’re told we’re not allowed to wield a shotgun or assault children or women. Now, one brave chav is defending his right to be a man.“

Moat is also said to be in talks with Heat Magazine about writing a agony aunt column.

Monday, 5 July 2010

Tony Blair’s make-up cost taxpayers £750,000

The enormous cost of maintaining Tony Blair’s looks is to be investigated after it was revealed his make-up artists were costing £750,000 per year, half of which were expenses alone.

The make-up artists, funded by taxpayers, stay in five-star hotels, eat caviar and drink posh cocktails as they follow the former Prime Minister around the world. “One even claimed for a packet of Percy Pigs from M&S”, said an angry taxpayer.

Mr Blair, who famously sent British troops to fight an (alleged) illegal war in the Middle East now works as a Middle East mediator, earning himself an astonishing £20m p.a. (ote).

Current Prime Minister David Cameron said this needed to be reviewed. "Obviously former Prime Ministers need to look cute, but we have to make sure it isn’t costing taxpayers more than is necessary."

Our Gusset source revealed the £750,000 make-up bill for 09/10 also included the following:

Hairspray:        £5,700
Mascara:          £4,200
Blusher:           £3,800
Manicures:       £6,300
Pedicures:           £900
Botox:           £29,800
Fake tan:          £29.67
Tampax:          £9,800

It also showed an expenses bill from Mr Blair's ten-person make-up team from a recent holiday to Tenerife, totalling £43,000. This included a £6,000 bar bill. Mr Blair apparently did not even wear any make-up during the seven day holiday.

Not all taxpayers are angry at the ridiculous expenses: “I think it’s vitally important that our former Prime Ministers look deliciously pretty at all times, and I don’t mind if that’s what my tax goes on”, said Cheryl Blain from Wigan.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Hot Russian Spy ‘Conditioned’ in UK


The ex-husband of alleged Super Hot Russian Spy Babe, Anna Chapman, said he suspects she was "conditioned" by shadowy contacts when living in London. Alex Chapmanovski, 30, from Bournemouth, was married to the Russian babe for four years before they divorced in 2006.

The flame-haired 28-year-old wank-inducing super-hot uber spy babe is one of 11 people accused by the US of working as secret agents for Russia's intelligence service, the SVR.

Trainee psychiatrist Chapmanovski told officers that his suspicions were first aroused when he’d come home and always find Chapman with her back to him sitting in a large black leather swivel-chair, stroking a white cat. “As soon as I entered the room she’d swivel round and say, ‘Ah Mr Chapmanovski vee have been expecting you’”. He also recalled that she had an amazing collection of designer shoes, each with a retractable stiletto blade mechanism cleverly built into the toe. “I had no idea at the time but now it’s all making sense”.
Anna Chapman on her way to Asda

When shown photographs of their matrimonial bedroom and the wall that pivots 180 degrees to reveal a satellite communications system, a rocket launcing and guidance control panel and an array of high tech weaponry, Chapmanovski appeared to be dumbfounded, claiming that he presumed the equipment was his ex-wife’s health and beauty products and she would beat the shit out of him if he ever went near it.

Of her transition from wife to spy, Chapmanovski explained: "There was such a dramatic change, I felt I hardly knew her any more. She wore black leather all the time and when she arranged to meet friends, she wouldn’t invite me. She said I’d be bored because they’d all be speaking in Russian and discussing world domination”.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Rapists, retards to suffer under new electoral system

An innovative new electoral system will award votes to voters according to their usefulness. Under the proposed system, everyone will be given votes in proportion to the contribution they make to society. The high end of the scale will see service workers like firemen and policemen given six votes each. At the other end of the spectrum coffin dodgers, bureaucrats and rapists will receive one vote each.

Fashion bloggers, people who say ‘music is my life’ and anyone who has ever waited until they get to the front of a long queue before getting their money out to see how much they have will all be disqualified from voting.

Policemen, construction workers and cowboys will all be allowed six votes under the system.

Instead of multiple polling booths, which made voting easily accessible for anyone, even those that didn’t really care and hadn’t thought properly how they should cast their vote, there will be just one polling station. However, as a concession to convenience, this will be stationed in Haltwhistle, Northumberland, considered by many to be the geographical centre of Britain. To save public funds, the polling station will be staffed by three volunteers from the local Women’s Institute.

“It’s a progressive move and one that is greatly needed if we ever want to see change in our lifetime,” said fireman Michael Bolton. “I have six times as much to say as a criminal or a retard and the new system will reflect that.”

However, a rag-tag group of spastics, the elderly, and criminals will march on parliament today to express their displeasure at the proposal."Rapists are people too," said marcher and rapist Peter Sutcliffe. "The government would do well to remember that. Especially that sexy Ann Widdecombe."

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Uruguayan Referee Given New Identity

International hate figure, Jorge Larrionda, is to be given a new identity and will be moved to a secret location in the Antarctic.

It has been reported that the Uruguayan referee, who disallowed England's equalizing goal with Germany just before half time on Sunday's World Cup match, has more than 100 professionally hired assassins after him, as well as half a million angry football fans who have already burnt effigies of the fiend in Trafalger Square. "If I get my hands on him I'll move them goal-posts where the sun never shines", spurted angry fan, Fabio Capello.

Larrionda, whose children have been bullied at school since the spastic non-sightedness of their father, said he was 'delighted' that FIFA have funded his move to the Earth's armpit, "I am a massive cunt and everyone hates me, they'll never find me and I'm never apologising for my cock up, so there".

FIFA have also arranged for Larrionda's family to have face transplants, concealing their identities for life. Kevin Arnold, CEO at FIFA said "we've recently received four face donations from Ghana so there's no chance of the family being recognised in the snowy hell-hole".

Meanwhile, Gusset artists have compiled this impression of what the mongheaded referee, and his unfortunate family, will look like with their new Ghanaian face transplants.: