'Witch Hunt' for Psychic Octopus

Paul the psychic octopus has received death threats from enraged Germans on a mass octo-hunt.

Angry Germans believe that the gifted mollusc is a witch who should be burnt at the stake after he correctly predicted Germany will lose against Spain in the recent world cup semi final.

Germans, from all over Germany, will hunt down and burn all 'psy pi' (psychic octopi) until the real Paul is found. "We can't do the drowning thing, normally done to witches, because they live in the sea and can swim n that," said Hans Schicklgruber, an angry German football fan.

an angry German football fan

Paul's keepers have taken him to a secret place so he can concentrate on predicting the correct winner of the FIFA world cup 2010. "He's not a witch, he's been right every time but he's not evil. He doesn't even own a broom," said a concerned keeper. "We're not trying to make money from him, I mean, this Rolex is only 9ct gold."

Meanwhile bbqs are being set up in every German town and village, ready for the ceremonious burning.

BREAKING NEWS: Paul has predicted that England will win the world cup!

Uruguayan Referee Given New Identity

International hate figure, Jorge Larrionda, is to be given a new identity and will be moved to a secret location in the Antarctic.

It has been reported that the Uruguayan referee, who disallowed England's equalizing goal with Germany just before half time on Sunday's World Cup match, has more than 100 professionally hired assassins after him, as well as half a million angry football fans who have already burnt effigies of the fiend in Trafalger Square. "If I get my hands on him I'll move them goal-posts where the sun never shines", spurted angry fan, Fabio Capello.

Larrionda, whose children have been bullied at school since the spastic non-sightedness of their father, said he was 'delighted' that FIFA have funded his move to the Earth's armpit, "I am a massive cunt and everyone hates me, they'll never find me and I'm never apologising for my cock up, so there".

FIFA have also arranged for Larrionda's family to have face transplants, concealing their identities for life. Kevin Arnold, CEO at FIFA said "we've recently received four face donations from Ghana so there's no chance of the family being recognised in the snowy hell-hole".

Meanwhile, Gusset artists have compiled this impression of what the mongheaded referee, and his unfortunate family, will look like with their new Ghanaian face transplants.: