Beckham Amazes USA With His Joined-up Writing

David Beckham stunned wife Victoria yesterday when he presented her with something written in joined-up handwriting.

Victoria rang Gusset News this morning and said "He wrote 'I love you' on a piece of card and the 'love' and 'you' was joined up. He's very clever is my Golden Balls".

David Beckham can now spell 'ball' but is struggling with words like 'crumpet'.

Beckham, who used to play for England, has been practising joined-up writing and colouring-in since 1998. "We've been so impressed with his progress. He never colours off side and no longer dribbles when he sees Cheryl Cole naked", said Victoria. "Next year he's going to start sums and read books with font size as low as 16".

The Beckhams have no other news at this time, are not expecting any more babies and are bonafide and interesting celebrities.

"Football is boring" says Beckham

David Beckham revealed last night to wife, Victoria, that he has always found football boring.

Our undercover Gusset reporter sat behind the Beckhams during last night’s England v USA game and overheard David whinge incessantly about his boredom and wishing he took up a more interesting career such as university administration or bramble picking.

“I can’t bear it”, whined David, “I’m so bored I want to tear my eyes out”. Former Spice Girl, Victoria, replied with “I know darling, just try and count the blades of grass like I normally do”.

The Beckhams then proceeded to play an 89-minute game of ‘I spy’.

David tries to guess Victoria's 'F' word during last night's football match

The Beckhams are not alone, according to scientists at King’s College London. KCL have been conducting research since the last world cup in 2006 that proves that ‘football is boring beyond belief’. “We showed football matches to monkeys and after seven hours of it, most of them took their own lives”, said scientist Michael Winner.

Arsenal fan Chas Wingnut said, “I’ve pretended my whole life that I love football just to look cool in front of my mates, but I hate it. I’d rather go to Lakeside or self-harm than watch another match”.

He went on to say “I’m going to try and contract dysentery so I don’t have to watch the England v Algeria match this Friday”.

The World Cup is expected to globally bore people in their own homes and in local drinking holes, until mid July.