Judi Dench: I've never heard of Shakespeare

Dame Judi Dench has shocked the nation today in a bizarre revelation claiming that she can't act for toffee, smells of chips, and has never even heard of William Shakespeare.

The RADA trained actress has won numerous "best actress" awards including an Oscar (TM), yet insists that her acting skills are down to camera angles, CGI and clever editing "I'm a complete spaz", proclaimed Britain's best loved thespian, "I've got a speech impediment and I couldn't remember a line if it bit me on me arse". The actress claims that film and theatre directors are so clever they could get a Moulinex blender to win a 'best actress' prize.

SJP and Judi Dench in 'Casino Royalel'

Dench's agent is shocked that her client has admitted her whole acting career is a facade. "She wanted to be an accountant but her parents forced her into acting. She still does sums as a hobby but she don't get paid for it, and if she did I'd want 15%".

The news has come as a huge shock to actor's union Equity, who have cancelled her membership. Equity's spokesman stated "It is an insult to our members that someone can claim to be an actress and not even know what a Pinter pause is".

HM The Queen rang Gusset HQ this morning with the following statement: "I'm glad that other actress with the big ear lobes played me and not that lying scamp! I'll be having my Dame honours back and will be giving it to Sonia from Eastenders".

Dench also claims that Joseph Fiennes is actually made of wood (oak with a walnut vaneer to be precise) and that Kenneth Branagh doesn't even exist.

SJP pulls out of race

US horseracing fans are in turmoil today as Sarah Jessica Parker, the strong favourite for Saturday's 136th Kentucky Derby, was withdrawn from the race because of swelling in her left front leg.

Trainer Chris Evans said, “We are disappointed, SJP has won six consecutive races since August 2009 and we knew she would do well in the Derby however her last couple of gallops have not been up to par."

Why the long face, Sarah?

The stakes are high for rivals Camilla Parker Bowles and Tori Spelling who have welcomed the loss of competition.

“She’s a fine thoroughbred and has an exceptional trainer but this has given a chance for us outsiders” said Spelling who is well worth a shot at 50:1.

Meanwhile dog food giants Pedigree Chum have eagerly offered $140.76 for the hooved harlot.