Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Cameron, Clegg bring 'Politics to Peasants'


In copycat style of Gordon Brown, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, held his first non-London based Cabinet meeting up North. Reports state the venue was in a place called Bradford but as anywhere North of London does not yet have electricity, roads or the combustion engine, this can neither be confirmed nor denied.

This jolly £200k jaunt is part of the Camer-Clegg PR campaign (pinched from the old New Labour administration) to bring ‘Politics to Peasants’ and is designed to boost the economic growth around the country and up North too.

“It is vitally important that we come to the heart of Britain and show these peasants that we stand shoulder to shoulder with them, just like all these minarets, in our determination to reduce the national deficit”, said Cameron as he donned a flat cap and whippet skin waistcoat.

Defending allegations that Prime Minister Clegg had “sold out” to form part of a coalition, Prime Minister Cameron insisted: “Nicky has been a major influence in all decision making. He decides what we have for tea, the theme of our dinner parties and buys my clothes. It really is a partnership.”

When asked to explain his Government's decision to cut unemployment benefit by 38 per cent in an area with 97 per cent unemployment like Bradford, a defiant Prime Minister Cameron claimed, “we all have to make sacrifices to get this country back in the black. And I mean all of us; I even had to settle for the filet mignon for lunch.”

Cameron and Clegg: "we're a partnership"

Speaking to the locals through an interpreter, the Prime Ministers made an elegant couple in matching Conran barely-black suits with underarm manbags. At one point they instructed one of their aides to hand out bars of coal tar soap to the crowd of seven who had been rounded up to witness this historic and patronising visit.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Hopes pinned on England's Spastic Cup chances

The England team has been given a chance to redeem itself following its 4-1 defeat against a World Cup German side.

The team’s consistently lacklustre performance has made them eligible to enter the Disabled World Cup, affectionately known as the Spastic Cup, in Belgium in 2011.

England has not won a single game of football since its World Cup win in 1966. Coach Fabio Capello has blamed the players’ poor performance this year on them being “tired”. Fortunately for the players, Spastic Cup games can be played from the comfort of wheelchairs that are pushed by volunteers, who can also kick if the players (known as 'spazzletes') become overly fatigued.

Spastic Cup rules are tailored to accommodate the spazzletes, with players allowed to pick up the ball, and smiley-face stickers given out for good teamwork. Spazzletes may not tackle each other or run.

Spastic Cup: A spazzlete spacks out after an own goal.

England fans are already crossing their fingers in hopes of a victory. Others weren’t so sure. “They’ll be up against the best blind, paraplegic and spazzletes in the world”, said one doubtful fan. “We’re fucked.”

The first match will be against a team of Romanian amputee orphans. Ladbrokes are tipping a Romanian spazzlete win at 145/1.

Friday, 25 June 2010

Coffin dodgers put to work

Ninety eight-year-old former police officer Stan Widdle retired 38 years ago. Yesterday he returned to his former role as a bobby on the beat, patrolling some of London’s most dangerous areas with his walking frame as part of a government scheme to get coffin-dodgers back into work.

The new scheme sees the retirement age raised to 105, effective immediately.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said old people still have “a very small part to play” in our society and they should allow society the benefit of their wisdom and life experience.

Pensioner’s playgrounds were empty today as coffin-dodgers dusted off their briefcases and toddled off to offices around Britain.

When Gusset News caught up with Mr Widdle he said he was finding the job a challenge, despite the wisdom old age has brought. He said he was tired and by midday he had forgotten what he was supposed to be doing and what his name was, despite wearing a nametag.

Thumbs up: Beatrice Ripple will retire in 21 years.

Eighty-four-year-old Beatrice Ripple landed a Boeing 767 for the first time in more than 20 years yesterday afternoon. She retired from her role as a BA pilot in 1989 due to sight problems, but the new law, which is firmly in line with today’s equal opportunities legislation, will see her take to the air once again – with the help of her seeing eye dog, Buster.

“It’s just marvellous,” Ripple said. “Yesterday I was knitting a bonnet for my great-grandson and today I’ve got the lives of thousands of people in my hands, haven’t I Buster?”

Older people who are unable to move at all are being put to use in other ways. Those with Parkinson’s Disease will be used as cocktail shakers while those unable to move or communicate at all will be gainfully employed as call centre workers and road workers.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Jesus's Face Found in Skid Marks

Laundry day turned into a holy event when Eunice Jiggins found the face of Jesus in her husband’s skid marks.

“There I was, separating the whites from darks, when I found myself looking into the eyes of the Son of God”, said Eunice. “We’d had a particularly potent curry last Monday and my husband was trumping like a Frenchman!”

Eunice shows Gusset Muncher her husband’s sacred skids.

Husband Jim, said he was surprised when he saw the artwork his bum produced. “I can’t believe God chose my gusset to send the world a message. It’s definitely Jesus, I know that face anywhere. It’s comforting to know he’s watching over us”.

Neighbours and residents from their home-town Bognor Regis have been queuing outside since the news spread. “They come every day and kiss the crusty brown marks of the Lord”, said housewife Eunice.

Not all are optimistic about the authenticity of the Lord’s gravy stains. “It looks more like Richard Madeley”, said Reverend Carmichael. “It’s not as good as the one in the Marmite jar, although it smells nicer”.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

MS Sufferers get Class A drugs

Since the Government legally licensed the cannabis drug ‘Sativex’, there’s been a high demand for more ‘hardcore’ drugs from Multiple Sclerosis (MS) sufferers.

The medicinal benefits of cannabis were discovered over a thousand years ago in an allotment in East London by herbalist Arthur Fowler. The plant-botherer was a few tests away from finding a cure for cancer, but since discovering cannabis, he simply “couldn’t be bothered” to continue. He was found dead in a pile of Monster Munch wrappers by his wife, Pauline, in 1996.

Sativex’, which contains cannabis, helps MS sufferers with muscle hardening and spasticity, but it simply isn’t cool now it’s all above board.

“I used to enjoy skinning up some whiffy skunk with my dealer on the Old Kent Road. But since it all went legal I want something stronger and a bit naughty”, said an anonymous MS sufferer. “So I went to my GP and now I’m on a cocktail of heroin and acid. It thoroughly floats my boat.”

An anonymous MS sufferer awaits her acid fix

The new hardcore drugs, sponsored by Tesco, will soon be available to all MS sufferers. Sufferers can dispense prescriptions with drug dealers in their area for the normal prescription charge of £7.20.

Since the Government released this news celebrity pavement-licker, Pete Docherty, has sadly been diagnosed with this muscle wasting disease and doctors predict that the number of reported MS diagnoses is likely to rise by 500% by the end of the year.

Monday, 21 June 2010

Tackling ageing, the silent killer

Ageing: it's not a laughing matter.

The Government is to launch a campaign highlighting the dangers of ageing.

Ageing is growing more widespread, particularly among youth. The initiative will inform people of the side effects of ageing, including loss of hair, memory problems and not being able to climb the stairs as quickly as you used to be able to. In severe cases, ageing can lead to death.

Anti-ageing boss Geoffrey Nettles said yesterday: "Some people think ageing is cool and glamorous. We want people to know the facts and show them the harm they are doing to themselves." Research has shown that people who age regularly are four times more likely to die young, Nettles said.

Establishments that encourage ageing such as allotments and bingo halls will be targeted. Popular ageing accessories, such as slippers, pipes and Werthers Originals, will now see their packaging printed with shocking photographic images of greying hair, wrinkles and varicose veins.

The initiative has drawn criticism from some quarters. Gerald Attrick, head or pro ageing group P.A.G (Pro Ageing Group) said between naps "This is another prime example of the Government trying to turn Britain into a nanny state. If we want to age then why can’t we do so without meddling politicians and pop stars telling us we can’t? Who is this Cliff Richard anyway? It’s not music, you can’t hear the words. It’s just a noise, not like in my day."

For all the arguments raging about its introduction, some simply see the initiative as too little, too late. Malcolm Threep, 71, of Aberystwyth, is paying the price for many years of ageing. "I first aged when I was about 10," he says ruefully. "Everyone did it back then. Now I age at least five times a week, sometimes twice a day. I fear that soon it will kill me."

The plan for the Government is to ensure that the current generation do not have to face the same fate as Mr Threep.
Arthur Del Monte III

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Nation's favourite newsreader in cockfighting scandal

Police raided newsreader Sir Trevor MacDonald’s Highgate residence this morning after they were alerted to an illegal cockfighting ring in his garden.

The newsreader and OBE recipient was led out of his house shamefaced during the raid, which uncovered a large network of cages and a sophisticated cock training facility in his garden. Seventy-five angry roosters were subdued by riot police stun guns when the Metropolitan officers failed to gain control of the prize fighters. One officer was pecked to death while another lost his eye during the skirmish.

Cock shame: Sir Trevor is arrested by police.

Rumours have long circulated around the ITV offices about MacDonald’s legendary cockfighting meets, which were allegedly attended by high profile newsreaders Moira Stuart and John Humphreys. Both are being questioned at Scotland Yard.

It’s thought that MacDonald, who was once named Britain’s Most Trustworthy Newsreader, has funded his lavish lifestyle including a holiday home in Southern France, a private submarine and a sanctuary for ex Page Three girls with the proceeds of the fights.

MacDonald’s next door neighbour, who asked not to be named, said the situation had reached “breaking point”.

MacDonald could be seen every morning at sunrise training his cocks, the neighbour said. “He would stride outside bare-chested, oil himself down and make all the cocks stand in a line. Then the poor birds would do boxing drills and endurance training while MacDonald screamed and whipped them.”

The neighbour said the atrocities he had seen from his upstairs bathroom window would stay with him forever.

“Last week I saw Britain’s favourite newsreader rip the head off a rooster with his bare hands and then rip out its entrails with his teeth as a treat for the other birds. You just don’t forget something like that.”

The roosters have been given a new home in London Zoo’s children’s petting zoo enclosure.

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Simon Cowell to be replaced by spanner

American Idol bosses have decided to replace Simon Cowell on next year’s season with a spanner.

Simon Cowell plans to leave the show so that he can concentrate on American X Factor, America's Got Talent, and America's Next Top Inane Mediocre Wannabe series.

Idol boss Simon Fuller is said to be desperate to land an equally big personality to fill his seat, and a spanner fits the bill perfectly. “Everyone agrees a spanner would be great as a full-time judge and will have as much sex appeal as Simon" said Fuller.

Simon Cowell: sex appeal.

Amanda Holden, who will be replaced by a set of taps on next year's Britain's Got Talent, said "Simon's toughness is irreplaceable, but I've seen the spanner in action and it's just as opinionated and forthright". She went on to say, "you can hardly tell the difference between the two, the spanner is a massive tool and so is Simon".

Will a spanner fit the bill? "We think it would be a great judge and it certainly has a lot of experience in the industry" said Fuller, "let's just hope it can get on with Sharon Osbourne".

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Karate Kids prepare to clash in death bout

Former teen star and current failed adult actor Ralph Macchio has challenged the newest Karate Kid star to a fight.

Macchio, who starred in the 1984 Karate Kid film, has publicly challenged the star of the latest remake, 11-year-old Jaden Pinkett-Smith, to a fight to the death. Macchio claims he is the “only Karate Kid” and anyone else who says otherwise will face his mystical 1980s power.

“He’s going to get a crane kick right in the face!” Macchio has bragged. “He’s only short, I can take him as long as he holds still.”

Curtain time: Macchio's classic Halloween costume.

Macchio, who plans to wear his famous shower curtain from the first film to Saturday's event, has vowed that only one of the pair will leave the ring alive. He is already hinting that he may be involved in the sequel to the film, which is being released today. “There can be only one Karate Kid,” the 48-year-old repeated.

Pat Morita, who played Mr Miagi in the 1984 film, is now 120 years old but will come out of retirement to help the ageing would-be champ train for the event. Macchio, who famously painted Mr Miagi’s fences and waxed his car in the original film, is planning to prepare with a stint of spring cleaning at Morita’s retirement village. “Mr Miagi’s refrigerator could use a clean and he’s too short to fix his curtain rail. Only then will I be ready.”

Jaden Smith is at a training camp high in the Chinese mountains with his coach, Rolf Harris, and was unavailable for comment this morning.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

"Football is boring" says Beckham

David Beckham revealed last night to wife, Victoria, that he has always found football boring.

Our undercover Gusset reporter sat behind the Beckhams during last night’s England v USA game and overheard David whinge incessantly about his boredom and wishing he took up a more interesting career such as university administration or bramble picking.

“I can’t bear it”, whined David, “I’m so bored I want to tear my eyes out”. Former Spice Girl, Victoria, replied with “I know darling, just try and count the blades of grass like I normally do”.

The Beckhams then proceeded to play an 89-minute game of ‘I spy’.

David tries to guess Victoria's 'F' word during last night's football match

The Beckhams are not alone, according to scientists at King’s College London. KCL have been conducting research since the last world cup in 2006 that proves that ‘football is boring beyond belief’. “We showed football matches to monkeys and after seven hours of it, most of them took their own lives”, said scientist Michael Winner.

Arsenal fan Chas Wingnut said, “I’ve pretended my whole life that I love football just to look cool in front of my mates, but I hate it. I’d rather go to Lakeside or self-harm than watch another match”.

He went on to say “I’m going to try and contract dysentery so I don’t have to watch the England v Algeria match this Friday”.

The World Cup is expected to globally bore people in their own homes and in local drinking holes, until mid July.

Friday, 11 June 2010

"I should be number one," insists Kyle

Jeremy Kyle has come second in a poll of the UK’s most hated people, beaten only by Osama Bin Laden.

The talk show host was shocked and disappointed to find he’d not managed to beat Osama in The Sun’s poll, which placed him above Hitler, Pol Pot and Saddam Hussein.

Gusset News contacted Kyle this morning to gauge his reaction to the results. “Obviously I’m shocked and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong,” he said. “I’ve spent my career trying to be as slimy and despicable as I can.”

Kyle insisted our reporter mention the Down’s Syndrome prostitute he murdered back in 1998 and the puppies he famously kicked at an RSPCA charity drive last year.

Cock face: Just one of the appalling photos Kyle has received in the mail since the poll.

Since the results were released Kyle’s latest wife has left him and he has been plagued with hate mail, which Kyle says have “made his week.” He insisted on reading some aloud. “This one’s from Gary in Kent, it says ‘I want to rip off your slimy head you jumped up little twat. At least Hitler had some charisma, and Saddam had the decency to go into hiding when people began to hate him.’”

Kyle’s PR machine has gone into overdrive, with plans for Kyle to be photographed performing backstreet abortions, frotting Princess Diana’s body and body slamming Stephen Hawking.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Contestants will be harmed in Big Brother 11

Channel 4 have teamed up with the NHS to ‘cull’ BB11 contestants live on TV. Each contestant allegedly cost taxpayers £800,000 per year on housing, dole-spunking and NHS fees. “Everyone’s a winner” said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.

BB11 executive producer Andy Smart said, “these oiks are a drain on society and the public will feel some catharsis after being bothered by their vacuous faces for 13 weeks.”

The contestants, who include seven inches of eyebrow, a posh tory cunt, a Dickensian lesbian, a one-eyed bloke with no legs, a fluorescent orange Katie Price and a fat ‘she-male’ monk who believes in UFOs, are not aware that they will be killed violently when they're voted out the house.

Unibrowed Nathan costs the NHS £500K p.a. in ingrown hair removal fees

“They’ll get their interview and best bits and after that they will die a horrible death chosen by viewers,” said Davina McCall.

Contestants will be delighted to receive an extra 15 minutes of broadcast fame as multiple death choices include being strapped to a rubbish robot on ‘Robot Wars’, being Shumba’s live prey on ‘The Lion Man’ and being sautéed on Channel 4’s ‘Come Dine With Me’.

Even the BB11 winner will not escape euthanasia “This year’s winner will be run over by Pat Butcher in an live Eastenders special episode,” said the Health Secretary. “My wife and I can’t wait!”

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Wham, bam: Cam's new ham

David Cameron will undergo an operation to have his penis enlarged, it has been revealed today.

Before Cameron came to power he had to undergo a full medical evaluation. The Tory leader became insecure when the doctor performing the medical pointed out that he didn’t quite match up to his previous office holders.

Parliament legend says former PM Tony Blair’s immense confidence came from the fact that he was “swinging a nine” down there. Another source has told us that once when Gordon Brown was getting out of the shower, a neighbour’s son saw him and asked his parents "why is that man waving a marrow about in the bathroom?"

Although our sources would not give specifics, Cameron is alleged to have the manhood of a 10-year-old. The surgery is scheduled to take place in the next two weeks, by a top Harley Street plastic surgeon, allegedly the same man who was responsible for Gail Porter’s hair rejuvenation and the re-shaping of Lesley Ash’s lips.

Although the PM was unavailable for comment an aide said, ‘If this doc can put anywhere near as much size on Dave’s chopper as he did on Miss Ash’s lips, I’m sure he and Sam will both be very happy.”
We wish Cameron well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Luke Triapathy

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Cameron and Clegg Lead By Example In Government Cutbacks

In an unprecedented show of unity, Prime Ministers David Cameron and Nick Clegg are leading by example following their statement announcing that UK spending cuts “will hurt every one of us”.

After his speech in Milton Keynes yesterday, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, warned of the pain we would suffer for decades as a result of severe Government cutbacks that will ensure bankers continue to receive multi-million pound bonuses for doing such a great job of fucking it all up.

“We have some of the world's most astute financial brains working in our banking industry and it is imperative that we keep them. Without them our economy would be that of a third world country.” said a surprisingly upbeat Cameron.

When asked what he thought of the Ethiopian Benefit Concert being held in Addis Ababa to raise funds for UK families, Cameron said, “I think it’s a great idea and a great example of how we are all pulling together. Besides, it’s about time those thieving bastards started to pay us back and I’m not talking about a few bags of rice neither.”

In the spirit of belt-tightening, Cameron and Clegg have agreed to move into number 10 together in an effort to not only lead by example but to also reduce costs to the taxpayer.

Cameron said the pair will share the same office, secretary, car, security staff and iPhone. "We will also share a bed and have decided to leave our wives off the payroll and in their respective matrimonial homes”.

Cameron has denied the move is a publicity stunt and said there was no truth in the rumours that Nick Clegg is his "fag". "The fact that we are now sharing the same dwelling and indeed the same bed is purely to show that we mean business in getting the economy back on its feet. The fact that Nick may occasionally be awoken by a prodding in his back is not strictly my fault as I can not legally be held responsible for an involuntary reflex. But again I would like to add that this is also a strong signal to the British people that, Nick is as just prepared to take one up the Khyber as they have been for the last few years under a Labour cabinet”.

When asked if the British public were getting a raw deal, Cameron answered, “we may not have been voted into power but lets face it who has? I think the British people are definitely getting their moneys worth; two Prime Ministers for the price of one. The point of being voted into number 10 or not is moot, we’re looking at pure value here”.

The other Prime Minister, Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment as he was replacing number 10’s curtains with some rather fetching Laura Ashley designer ones and purchasing His & His towels.


Friday, 4 June 2010

Royal Scandal: Taxpayer bails out Fergie

The Duchess of York is to be bailed out by the taxpayer after describing herself as being on the brink of bankruptcy.

Sarah Ferguson explained her actions in the recent cash-for-access scandal, admitting she had amassed huge debts and described her situation as "out of control" during an interview with UK chat show queen Trisha Goddard.

The former royal sex-bomb talked at length about what led her to offer to sell an introduction to her ex-husband the Duke of York for £500,000.

In the interview screened on Tuesday night Sarah painted a picture of herself as a woman living beyond her means, likening her situation to one experienced by an addict.

She told Goddard: "I became addicted to a style of high class living that I couldn't maintain. Sometimes I would eat five cases of caviar for breakfast, washed down with water imported from the River Ganges. Some people have a cocaine addiction. For me, it was croquet. All my earnings were siphoned into the lawn game, which I would play for hours on end until the nerves were literally visibly twitching in my eyeballs".

The UK Government confirmed this morning that it will pump £12bn into The Duchess Of York in an attempt to prevent the UK's Excessive Frivolous Spending (EFS) Sector from melting down.

After a weekend of negotiations the Treasury announced a wide-ranging rescue plan under which Ferguson will face a crackdown on foreign 'jolly' visits and shoe shopping, with the Government taking a controlling stake of 60% in the former royal pin-up.

Chancellor George Osborne said today's action was necessary in the "extraordinary circumstances" affecting affluent More Money Than Sense (MMTS) markets worldwide. "I'm determined to do everything I can to stabilise Sarah Ferguson and make her stronger," the chancellor added. "And in return for it, of course, there will be restrictions on what happens in her day to day life, with guarantees in relation to a possible comeback UK tour, solo single and Playboy centrefold shoot'.

Arthur Del Monte III

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Health Secretary axes ‘Holby City'

Gusset reporters have unearthed a top secret Tory plan to axe the hugely popular hospital drama ‘Holby City’.

Secretary of State for Health, Andrew Lansley, said he wanted to “cut NHS costs by £6billion by 2011” at a press conference last week.
Andrew Lansley denies the Tories secret plan to axe 'Holby City'

The secret plans show that axing hospital programmes such as ‘Holby City’ and ‘Casualty’ will save the country a fortune and release funds for weapons and bonuses for bankers.

BBC’s crappier soap ‘Doctors’ is also likely to be axed according to the plans, despite it only costing £2.43 per episode.

Shadow Health Secretary Harold Shipman was shocked: “it’s ridiculous, the Tories want to close all NHS services and force patients to turn to ITV, or God forbid, Channel FIVE."

Derek Staples is convinced that ‘Holby City’ saved his Mum's life.

When Doreen Staples had a headache and her face started melting, she thought it was indigestion.

Vigilant Derek quickly watched the entire ‘Holby City’ box set. Realising her symptoms were serious, he called an ambulance. Seconds later Doreen had a heart attack. Derek said: "It's thanks to ‘Holby’ that Mummy is alive today."

The Tories denied their intentions to axe the hospital programmes despite Lansley’s Facebook status quoting: “Andrew is gonna axe Holby City. Yay for me!”

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

We don't give a shit about oil spill, say BP

Oil giant BP today announced that they “don’t give a shit” about the effects of the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Twenty million gallons of oil have pumped into the gulf following an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig six weeks ago, which resulted in the deaths of 11 workers. Yesterday officials declared the incident the
worst environmental disaster the US has ever faced.

But BP chief operating officer Doug Suttles says the company really couldn’t care less.
“It turns out we’re covered by insurance – so my bonus will be safe this year,” he said. When asked about the impact of the spill on the environment, Suttles replied “tough titties”. “It’s just a bunch of birds and fish, essentially parasites who contribute absolutely nothing to the world.”

Can't fly? 'Tough titties', says BP.

It’s not the first time Suttles has come under fire for his laissez faire attitude to green issues. In 2004 he was snapped eating what is now thought to be the last remaining Chinese river dolphin. In 2007 he appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, where he railed against the practice of recycling, claiming that only “hippies and gays” bothered to separate plastic from paper.

Suttles’ views have angered environmental groups. Greenpeace CEO Martin Clunes said the COO’s outburst is “shocking and insulting”.
“Suttles needs to wake up and smell the petroleum,” Clunes said. “The situation needs to be rectified quickly, before the oil enters animals’ genes and causes mutation, resulting in a new order of souped-up animals capable of destroying mankind completely.”