Hopes pinned on England's Spastic Cup chances

The England team has been given a chance to redeem itself following its 4-1 defeat against a World Cup German side.

The team’s consistently lacklustre performance has made them eligible to enter the Disabled World Cup, affectionately known as the Spastic Cup, in Belgium in 2011.

England has not won a single game of football since its World Cup win in 1966. Coach Fabio Capello has blamed the players’ poor performance this year on them being “tired”. Fortunately for the players, Spastic Cup games can be played from the comfort of wheelchairs that are pushed by volunteers, who can also kick if the players (known as 'spazzletes') become overly fatigued.

Spastic Cup rules are tailored to accommodate the spazzletes, with players allowed to pick up the ball, and smiley-face stickers given out for good teamwork. Spazzletes may not tackle each other or run.

Spastic Cup: A spazzlete spacks out after an own goal.

England fans are already crossing their fingers in hopes of a victory. Others weren’t so sure. “They’ll be up against the best blind, paraplegic and spazzletes in the world”, said one doubtful fan. “We’re fucked.”

The first match will be against a team of Romanian amputee orphans. Ladbrokes are tipping a Romanian spazzlete win at 145/1.