Cameron in Tory Mash-up to Celebrate 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act.

David Cameron plans to commemorate this week’s 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act 1971, with a ‘massive bender’ at no. 10.

David at last year's bender

The invites went out to fellow MPs this morning and some were more excited than others by the celebrations. Tweezer dodger Ann Widdicombe said, “Drugs are naughty and make you grow things on your thighs. We should set an example and just drink Chardonnay or Merlot”.

Cameron has been heavily criticised for this contradictory drug orgy. He has no plans to decriminalise drug possession, or legalise whiffy skunk, despite a harsh letter campaign by a host of celebrities.

“Criminalising drug users like us makes us look like we live in bins but we’re just like everyone else and like getting muntered at the weekend”, said Dame Judi Dench, Leader of the campaign.

Other celebrities including Sir Richard Branson, Moira Stewart and that fat one from ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ have been urging Cameron to look again at the current drug’s legislation. “We want to make it easier to get proper good quality drugs that haven’t been cut with Alistair Darling’s eyebrows”. Said Moira.

Gutter-sleeping Amy Winehouse in double-yellow shock

A council worker has been sacked after painting double yellow lines over a drunken slag asleep in the gutter, who turned out to be singer Amy Winehouse.

A spokesman from Camden Council said “Our workers have been working around the clock to make sure people can’t park in Camden, fortunately this was the only drugged up drunk reported to be painted over”.

A pensioner saw the Rehab singer with yellow stripes across her flattened belly outside her home after the council workers freshened parking restrictions in the area. She took the picture below on her camera phone and sent it to Gusset News this morning.

She said "the worker could’ve borrowed me shovel to shift the poor drunkard, but he didn’t. It’s shocking”.

Amy Winehouse spent 4 weeks in the gutter and was said to be surprised that nothing worse had happened to her.

MS Sufferers get Class A drugs

Since the Government legally licensed the cannabis drug ‘Sativex’, there’s been a high demand for more ‘hardcore’ drugs from Multiple Sclerosis (MS) sufferers.

The medicinal benefits of cannabis were discovered over a thousand years ago in an allotment in East London by herbalist Arthur Fowler. The plant-botherer was a few tests away from finding a cure for cancer, but since discovering cannabis, he simply “couldn’t be bothered” to continue. He was found dead in a pile of Monster Munch wrappers by his wife, Pauline, in 1996.

‘Sativex’, which contains cannabis, helps MS sufferers with muscle hardening and spasticity, but it simply isn’t cool now it’s all above board.

“I used to enjoy skinning up some whiffy skunk with my dealer on the Old Kent Road. But since it all went legal I want something stronger and a bit naughty”, said an anonymous MS sufferer. “So I went to my GP and now I’m on a cocktail of heroin and acid. It thoroughly floats my boat.”

An anonymous MS sufferer awaits her acid fix

The new hardcore drugs, sponsored by Tesco, will soon be available to all MS sufferers. Sufferers can dispense prescriptions with drug dealers in their area for the normal prescription charge of £7.20.

Since the Government released this news celebrity pavement-licker, Pete Docherty, has sadly been diagnosed with this muscle wasting disease and doctors predict that the number of reported MS diagnoses is likely to rise by 500% by the end of the year.