Monday, 29 November 2010

"We could've got Ireland a better deal" say Meerkats

International business entrepreneurial sex symbol, and Meerkat, Aleksandr Orlov, said he could have easily given Ireland a competative interest rate of around 4.9% for the €85bn loan had they come to his website

The EU, however, decided to borrow money from loan sharks at a stonking rate of 5.8%.

The loan, which will mostly be used for betting, buying second-hand cars and burning horses, is expected to cost every Irish household €5245 per year in interest alone.

"Simples! We compare hundreds of interest rates and could have bailed Ireland out for a much cheaper rate". Said the Russian website owner. "We'd have saved them enough money to buy a Cheeky Girl".

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Pope condemns Babelfish after translation errors

After a disgruntled tramp found differently translated versions of a book by Pope Benedict XVI in a bin, Vatican CIty has excreted a series of spastic excuses.

The Vatican has been cutting costs and admitted using free online translation service 'Babelfish' to translate official interviews with the Pope for his book ' Light of the World'.

The original version, in Italian, apparently said: 'use of a condom by an HIV-infected male prostitute may be a good idea'. However, the English and German translations state: 'all tracksuit wearing AIDS-ridden council skanks, like Cheryl Cole, must use condoms or face death by stoning'.

Pope Benedict XVI, originally from Germany, who can speak many languages including German, blamed an 'inept temp' for the error. He said "this poxy temp has made me look like a xenophobic paedo-okayer with out-of-date idealisms, for which I can only apologise".

Danny Dyer, official spokesman for the working classes told Gusset News: "This is a f***ing bull*** excuse. The c***ing Pope clearly doesn't want c***s like me to breed or enjoy the pleasures of f***ing without the consequences of having some c***-faced brat to bring up"

The Vatican clarified that the ban on the use of condoms, or any other device, for sexy fun purposes remains. However when you translate this with Babelfish it says: "The remnant Vatican prohibits some Welsh cheeses but likes to bark at cars."

Monday, 22 November 2010

Pudsey in Jordan sex romp scandal

The BBC is reeling after allegations that Children in Need bear Pudsey was seen engaging in lewd behaviour in a Soho nightclub.

The yellow bear, who is instantly recognisable by his distinctive eye patch, spent a night in Soho’s Tits Up club with brash bimbo Katie Price and some other sluts in the wee hours of Sunday morning. The group spent the evening drinking tequila and became more rowdy as the night went on.

The giant yellow bear was celebrating the BBC’s effort in raising £18 million for children in need on Friday night.

Sick: Pudsey wears an eye patch to get girls.

“The bear was wearing nothing but an eye patch and a sleazy grin,” said cocktail waitress Sandy. “He kept grabbing my arse as I went by and when I complained he called me a ‘frigid lesbian bitch’.”

Another waitress complained that Pudsey had offered her £1,500 for her to defecate in his mouth, a practice known as bricking.

Reports are also circulating that Katie Price was seen giving Pudsey oral relief beneath the table while the bear shouted “anyone else wanna get their mouths round my furry c*&k?”

Pudsey’s former girlfriend, Fearne Cotton, recently hit the news for saying that the bear was a “womanising arsehole”. She also claimed that there was nothing wrong with Pudsey’s right eye, and that the eye patch was merely a ploy to attract vulnerable young women.

The BBC has refused to comment.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Prime Ministers in Other Countries are Cunts Too say Scientists

Scientific research commissioned by United Nations has proved that members of parliament, president-types and Prime Ministers are cunts, regardless of which country they hail from.

Professor Dean Gaffney lead the research project originally set up in 1996. He told Gusset News: "We were expecting that only 80-85% of MPs would actually be complete and utter cuntfucks, and so we were surprised by the findings. Some MPs are merely wankers and knob-jockeys. But 99.8% of them are cunts". He went on to list the main findings of the research:

- Tony Blair was a mega cunt from day 1 but the invasion of Iraq sent him off the cuntometer.

- Barack Obama was expected to be a reasonable decent bloke but it turns out he's a complete cunt.

- Silvio Berlusconi was merely an ancient penis last week, but now he's 100% cunt for spending $10,000,000,000 defacing another ancient penis.

- Nicolas Sarkozy is a racist cunt for banning burkas and the Welsh from France.

Nick Clegg is only a small cunt for his insignificunt role in the British government

The list of government cunts is endless and a full list of cunts near you can be found here:

MPs across Britain and Europe mostly agree with these findings, unless their opposition agree.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Somali Hostages Were Trapped in Margaret Thatcher's Hair

The nation is in shock today after the Somali pirate hostages reveal that they were in fact trapped inside Margaret Thatcher's hair all along.

Paul and Rachel Chandler revealed to Gusset News the horrors of their hostage hair hell: "We're just happy to be alive!"

 "No-one heard our cries for help..."

The couple were walking around Belgravia in 1996 when a gust of wind blew them into the iron lady's bouffant barnet, where they remained until yesterday.

Mrs Thatcher was completely unaware that the couple were trapped inside her fuzzy frizz until fourteen years later when a nurse at the private Cromwell Hospital brushed her hair: "her hairbrush got stuck in Paul Chandler's foot and he popped out", revealed the nurse. "He was skinny and bony and but so relieved to be freed".

"We just want to get back to our normal lives" revealed the Chandlers, who have missed out on many historic events including Tony Blair's war on Iraq, banker's bonuses during a recession and MP's fraudulent expenses claims.

"We are so happy to be among decent, everyday people."

Meanwhile, the Cromwell nurse has since found Lord Lucan in the Baroness's beehive and FBI officials eagerly await the possible finding of Osama Bin Laden.

Monday, 15 November 2010

Jesus face found on wank sock

Jesus’ face frequently appears on Marmite jars, drainpipes and fields but Simon Marshall from Lincoln was surprised to find Jesus’ face in his favourite wank sock.

“At first I thought it was Noel Edmonds, but when I looked closer I realised it was Jesus H Chris!” Said Mr Marshall, who noticed the stain as he put his wank sock in the washing machine.

The estate agent went on to say: “It’s my favourite wank sock, it’s a wool mix and never stiffens. I’m honoured that Jesus decided to appear and it’s obviously a message to say I should stop wanking but I love it.”

After discovering the religious stain Mr. Marshall took the sock to his local church where the Reverend Paul Yarrow of the Church of Holy Trinity confirmed that the wank stain was a genuine representation of Christ. He said “Yep. That’s him”.

Mr Marshall is selling his wank sock on Gumtree and confirms that this incident will not stop him from wanking.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Hedgehogs fitted with wellies while pensioners freeze

Snug: a hedgehog contemplates his new designer boots.

A government plan to outfit hedgehogs with designer winter footwear has been greeted by anger by pensioners affected by the latest budget cuts.

A document leaked today to Gusset News showed that the ConDem government has set aside £6.2 billion to supply the United Kingdom’s estimated 80 million hedgehogs with wellington boots.

The specially designed boots are designed to keep hedgehogs’ feet dry and warm this winter. They are made from organic Borneo rubber and lined with Peruvian sheep’s wool. The boots are red with a white stripe, and have been hand painted by artist Amish Kapoor.

While the prickly creatures will no doubt be happy with this development, not everyone feels the same way.

As the country is plunged into winter, pensioners across Britain are feeling the pinch.
Ninety-five-year-old Mavis Beacon, from Clapton, says her heating allowance has been cut, along with her pension. “I’m living on the snails that I find in the back of my cupboards,” she whinged. “What makes hedgehogs so darn special?”

Skegness’ oldest resident, Marty Pellow, aged 135, says he was forced to burn his wife to keep warm, and that he did not see the use of fitting hedgehogs with wellington boots while there were so many people going without. “This government only cares about you if you’re small and cute,” he grumbled.

George Osborne defended the decision, saying that hedgehogs are an important symbol of Britain. “They’re short, fat and spiky - just like the general population. They’re also much cuter than pensioners and they hate having wet feet, I just don’t understand the controversy.”

The decision has echoes of Margaret Thatcher’s 1984 move to force the British public to knit cardigans for the howler monkeys of Central America while miners froze to death in the wastelands of the north.

Monday, 8 November 2010

GP Receptionists to Carry Out Medical Procedures

The Government has launched an NHS spending report today confirming that GP receptionists will now see patients for most illnesses.

Angela Lansbury, Health Secretary, said "too many ill people are going to see their GP. GPs simply haven't got time for this nonsense".

The Government report states that seeing patients and dealing with illness account for 25% of a GPs' workload, costing the NHS £3bn per year. This cost can be halved by GP receptionists carrying out easy medical procedures such as prescribing medication, administering flu jabs and inserting a male catheter.

All GP receptionists in the UK will be given instruction manuals and a pair of rubber gloves.

GP receptionist Jane Miggins gets ready to examine a prostate gland

Professor Martin Snashall, CEO of the Royal College of GPs said: "GP receptionists are rude, clumsy and look like pig farmers. This is a sure way to keep whinging patients away from busy GPs".

Dr Das, a GP from Walthamstow said "I'd rather be anally raped in the ear than talk to a pensioner about the colour of their phlegm", he went on to say "I only earn seventy thousand per annum and it proper knobs me off when a patient interrupts me updating Twitter".

A GP surgery in Worthing already has its cleaning staff conducting minor surgery.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Circus to counsel people scared of clowns

A CIRCUS is offering a counselling service for people who suffer from coulrophobia - the fear of clowns.

John Lawson's Circus, which tours the UK, offers workshops where people can meet two clowns and see them get into character.

The clown-fearers will be forced to watch mime and lame visual gags for four hours until they realise that clowns are not scary, just a tedious talent vacuum and general waste of everyone’s time and money.

If the coulrophobics are still quaking after the boredom therapy they will be placed into a small cage with a clown dressed as Stephen King’s It for three hours. The clown will touch them inappropriately and cut their faces with rusty blades. This therapy is known as ‘flooding’ and sees patients exposed to large amounts of the feared stimulus to shock them into mental health.

Clowns: boring and pointless.

Former coulrophobia Martin Clunes said his fear was ruining his life. “I would freeze up whenever I had to pass a circus tent or a mini because I thought clowns would start pouring out.”

Clunes said it was difficult to pinpoint the origins of his phobia but suggested it may have had something to do with a mime artist brutally murdering his parents in front of him when he was five years old.