Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Hedgehogs fitted with wellies while pensioners freeze

Snug: a hedgehog contemplates his new designer boots.

A government plan to outfit hedgehogs with designer winter footwear has been greeted by anger by pensioners affected by the latest budget cuts.

A document leaked today to Gusset News showed that the ConDem government has set aside £6.2 billion to supply the United Kingdom’s estimated 80 million hedgehogs with wellington boots.

The specially designed boots are designed to keep hedgehogs’ feet dry and warm this winter. They are made from organic Borneo rubber and lined with Peruvian sheep’s wool. The boots are red with a white stripe, and have been hand painted by artist Amish Kapoor.

While the prickly creatures will no doubt be happy with this development, not everyone feels the same way.

As the country is plunged into winter, pensioners across Britain are feeling the pinch.
Ninety-five-year-old Mavis Beacon, from Clapton, says her heating allowance has been cut, along with her pension. “I’m living on the snails that I find in the back of my cupboards,” she whinged. “What makes hedgehogs so darn special?”

Skegness’ oldest resident, Marty Pellow, aged 135, says he was forced to burn his wife to keep warm, and that he did not see the use of fitting hedgehogs with wellington boots while there were so many people going without. “This government only cares about you if you’re small and cute,” he grumbled.

George Osborne defended the decision, saying that hedgehogs are an important symbol of Britain. “They’re short, fat and spiky - just like the general population. They’re also much cuter than pensioners and they hate having wet feet, I just don’t understand the controversy.”

The decision has echoes of Margaret Thatcher’s 1984 move to force the British public to knit cardigans for the howler monkeys of Central America while miners froze to death in the wastelands of the north.

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