Monday, 1 October 2012

Jimmy Savile’s Ghost Caught Molesting Children

Even death hasn’t stopped Jimmy Savile from molesting children claims a new report.

New Scotland Yard published a report today stating that Sir Jimmy Savile has allegedly fiddled with seventeen kids since his death less than a year ago.

Jimmy in his heyday, probably thinking about kids

Witnesses state they saw the spirit of the late Top of the Pops presenter loitering outside a sweet shop in Peckham. “The dodgy looking ghoul seemed to groan in pleasure as my son exited the shop with a dib dab”. Said Judy Dench from the Old Kent Road. The mother of three went on to describe how the ghost rubbed it’s thighs as other children came out with bacon crisps.

The BBC denies these claims stating that that the Jim’ll Fix It ghost merely has a penchant for sherbet and Frazzles.

A spokesman for New Scotland Yard said that a warrant was out for Savile’s arrest but the spirit has walked through six police vehicles already. “Only Derek Acorah can help us now” said the chief of police.

Other parents claim that the paedo poltergeist followed some teenagers to school and got it's bum out in Mothercare

Monday, 3 September 2012

My work here is done...

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Obama's flap over Turkey's name may prompt name change for nation

Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdo─čan is said to be considering changing his country’s name after US President Obama confessed that he had confused the Eurasian nation of 72 million people with the large bird that Americans eat at Thanksgiving.

The two leaders met at the G20 summit in Mexico last week. When introduced, Obama looked confused, saying “Turkey?” and shaking his head blankly before excusing himself to go to the toilet.

I'm the leader of Turkey the country, not the bird, Erdogan explains to Obama.
 Later, the two leaders found themselves seated together in the G20 canteen during the lunchbreak. Over jacket potatoes, Obama apologised to Erdogan, confessing that he occasionally became “confused” by the country and the bird of the same name.

As they stood to leave the US president suggested that Erdogan think about changing the name of his country. Obama is renowned for his amusing quips but Erdogan, not known for his sense of fun, nodded and wrote the suggestion down in his notebook.

Our G20 Gusset News insider overheard the Turkish president discussing potential names with Australian PM Julia Guillard at breakfast the next day. Guillard suggested “Turkmenistan” but a quick Google revealed that this name was already taken, as was Wales, Spain and Nigeria.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Walthamstow Mattress Reveals His Favourite Hotspots

Abandoned mattress Matthew Truss has been wandering the streets of Walthamstow since his owner got a king-size memory foam last Christmas. Gusset News talks to Matt about the best places to hang out in Walthamstow.

Hi there. This is me just chilling in my old owners front garden. I really liked their garden because the bins gossiped about the neighbour's fridge and that was really awesome. 'White goods' are a mattress's natural nemesis. I was was pretty cold though, especially when it rained. I still sometimes go back but it makes me feel sad. 

Higham Hill Road, E17 is one of my favourite places to hang out. It's great for car watching, which I do with my mates. When it's cold we bundle together to keep warm. It's fun being an abandoned mattress in Walthamstow but it has it's ups and downs. Higham Hill Road has a lot of different cars, buses and motorbikes so there's a lot to see.

Forest Road is also a great spot for watching cars and if you're lucky you'll see lots of police cars too. I like sirens. Me and my mate Jeff often hang out in people's gardens along Forest Road and have a few beers. There are some great off licenses on Forest Road and they serve us even though we're only two years old. LOL. Jeff is my best mate but sometimes he smells of wee.

Some of the more quiet roads in the stow are fun to hang out on, especially if you're gonna get up to some mischief or if you don't want to get picked up by the council. This is me and some mates on Wellington Road, E17. We spent a whole day arguing with that dumb fridge. Fridges are stupid. This fridge was abandoned even though it worked. LOL. 

My most favourite garden in Walthamstow is this one on Gloucester Road. I like touching the bike and pretending I can ride it. My girlfriend Di (she's the one I'm kissing) lives in this garden, hence why it's my favourite. The bin is really friendly too and keeps a look-out for council vehicles while we're having a cheeky snog. 

Clarendon Road, E17 is the Hoxton of Walthamstow. You're no-one unless you hang out here regularly. It's so cool that even celebrities copy the rare chic of the 'Clarendon Clique'. I'm not cool enough to hang out here; something to do with the wrong kind of check. But I don't care because the cars on that road are rubbish.

Never hang out on Pretoria Avenue. There are many ASBO sofa gangs. Sofas are scary. Pretoria Avenue may have some awesome cars to watch, but it's not worth the risk.

Thank you Matt for your contribution. Do check out other Mattresses of Walthamstow for insights into the coolest places to hang-out and what sheets to wear this Autumn.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Olympics Ban Audi Logo

The London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games (LOGOC) is taking legal action against Audi claiming its logo breaches copyright.

The official organisers of the Olympics™ have ordered that car manufacturer Audi change its logo, which features four silver rings, to something that looks significantly different. “It looks too much like ours which has five rings” said a LOCOG spokesperson, “They should change it to a rabbit or banana or something so long at it doesn’t look like ours”.
The new Audi logo

Audi have used the four-ring logo since the 1960s, however LOCOG claims “we were here first, since Ancient Greek times actually, so there”.

Lord Sebastian Coe, who invented the five-ring logo, defended the Olympics with: “the common taxpayer would probably confuse an Olympic Stadium with a German car, which could cause traffic problems”.

LOCOG is set to ban all logos featuring rings, zeros or the letter ‘o’. It has already filed a claim against Google, Mercedes, and even Childline; ordered to change its phone number because “all those zeros could be confusing”.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Walthamstow to be Hidden from Olympic Visitors

The London suburb of Walthamstow is to be hidden under a giant sheet of tarpaulin during the Olympics in a controversial bid to conceal the poor from London 2012 visitors.

The Olympic Delivery Authority (ODA) has requested that chavs, hooligans and pound shops in the area of Walthamstow should be kept out of sight during the Games. However, the only way the council can conceive such a plan is to cover the entire area in a sheet of tarpaulin resembling the idyllic London town of Richmond when viewed from a certain angle at Stratford.

Visitors to the Olympics will not have to witness the full horrors of the stow at all as the tarpaulin will be erected a week before the Games start. 
 A typical Walthamstow street will soon look like this

The Leader of Waltham Forest council, Cllr Basil Fawlty told Gusset News: “the ODA is like well in charge of everything and higher up than God so we have to lie down and let them bum us. Oops did I say that out loud?”

The ODA claims its sponsors have the right to ensure their brands are presented in the highest quality format possible. “Adidas and McDonald's do not wish to be associated with the likes of hoodies or the overweight”, said an ODA spokesperson.

Friday, 4 May 2012

Fifth Version of Munch's The Scream Fetches £1 at Auction

Munch's 'The Scream' may have been sold for a record breaking $120m, however, a fifth version of the painting, recently discovered in a small East London suburb called Walthamstow, sold for £1 by a market trader to a pensioner called Les.

Walthamstow is famous for its abandoned mattresses and was responsible for the 'Celebrities that look like Mattresses' series. But now it seems Walthamstow has inspired many famous artists, who visited the small town during their primary years and created many famous works of art.

Later this month, these other rare pieces will be up for auction on Walthamstow Market:

If you would like to know more about Walthamstow visit The Walthamstow (unofficial) Tourist Board where you will be able to buy postcards, calendars and go on an organised tour of abandoned mattresses.

This quirky town recently voted Brian Harvey for Mayor, but when your choice is the bumbling buffoon and bendy-bus botherer Boris Johnson, or Ken Barlow, who can blame them?

Monday, 16 April 2012

Just in Case You Were Unsure if You Are a Murderer