Jimmy Savile’s Ghost Caught Molesting Children

Even death hasn’t stopped Jimmy Savile from molesting children claims a new report.

New Scotland Yard published a report today stating that Sir Jimmy Savile has allegedly fiddled with seventeen kids since his death less than a year ago.

Jimmy in his heyday, probably thinking about kids

Witnesses state they saw the spirit of the late Top of the Pops presenter loitering outside a sweet shop in Peckham. “The dodgy looking ghoul seemed to groan in pleasure as my son exited the shop with a dib dab”. Said Judy Dench from the Old Kent Road. The mother of three went on to describe how the ghost rubbed it’s thighs as other children came out with bacon crisps.

The BBC denies these claims stating that that the Jim’ll Fix It ghost merely has a penchant for sherbet and Frazzles.

A spokesman for New Scotland Yard said that a warrant was out for Savile’s arrest but the spirit has walked through six police vehicles already. “Only Derek Acorah can help us now” said the chief of police.

Other parents claim that the paedo poltergeist followed some teenagers to school and got it's bum out in Mothercare. 

Health Secretary axes ‘Holby City'

Gusset reporters have unearthed a top secret Tory plan to axe the hugely popular hospital drama ‘Holby City’.

Secretary of State for Health, Andrew Lansley, said he wanted to “cut NHS costs by £6billion by 2011” at a press conference last week.

Andrew Lansley denies the Tories secret plan to axe 'Holby City'

The secret plans show that axing hospital programmes such as ‘Holby City’ and ‘Casualty’ will save the country a fortune and release funds for weapons and bonuses for bankers.

BBC’s crappier soap ‘Doctors’ is also likely to be axed according to the plans, despite it only costing £2.43 per episode.

Shadow Health Secretary Harold Shipman was shocked: “it’s ridiculous, the Tories want to close all NHS services and force patients to turn to ITV, or God forbid, Channel FIVE."

'HOLBY SAVED MUMMY'

Derek Staples is convinced that ‘Holby City’ saved his Mum's life.

When Doreen Staples had a headache and her face started melting, she thought it was indigestion.

Vigilant Derek quickly watched the entire ‘Holby City’ box set. Realising her symptoms were serious, he called an ambulance. Seconds later Doreen had a heart attack. Derek said: "It's thanks to ‘Holby’ that Mummy is alive today."

The Tories denied their intentions to axe the hospital programmes despite Lansley’s Facebook status quoting: “Andrew is gonna axe Holby City. Yay for me!”