Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Charlie DOES Konnie UP THE AILSE


Their engagement was revealed in June after the couple managed to keep their romance a secret (and Konnie managed to keep her tits and flange under wraps) for several months.

The couple are "blissfully happy", according to spokesman John Lesley, who seemed rather upset as he hid behind a bush in his pac-a-mac.

TV critic Brooker fronts the BBC4 show Screenwipe, which is a show in which the acidic presenter voices his opinionated pseudo-intelligent rantings about how absolutely everyone and everything on TV is either shit, dumbed-down or really, really shit, was nominated for a Bafta earlier this year. Surprisingly enough, Brooker never criticised his own abysmal attempt at writing black (comedy?) drama in his highly original (yawn) DEAD SET, about zombies (yawwwn) in the Big Brother house (YAWWWWWN). However, Brooker takes great delight in launching scathing attacks on consumer driven, lowest common denominator, throw-away, unintelligent programming that appeals to the brain dead masses such as talent shows like The X Factor, Britain’s Got Delusional Wankers and Fuck My Gran.

Huq, 35, recently took over from Holly Willoughby as the host of ITV2's Xtra Factor - the X Factor's spin off show. She presented Blue Peter for 11 years and was many a school boys’ (and posh, liberal Dads’) wank material between 1997 and 2008.

Huq said in a recent interview they were well matched: "We are very well suited. He hates everything I like and do. It all started on the set of BP when Richard Bacon asked me if I liked Charlie… Oops is that my knickers on the floor." she told Look magazine.

When asked how the couple would spend their honeymoon, Huq announced that she plans to get royally shafted by her new man while he shouts obscenities and criticises her. But when the subject of starting a family came up, Huq ruled out having children straight away as her career comes first. She then went on to say that she would be making special Blue Peter condoms out of a cardboard toilet roll tube, some clingfilm and sticky back plastic. She then produced three condom models at different stages of construction before exposing her breasts.


Saturday, 28 August 2010

Robbie In More Media Attention Seeking Shock

After un-gay Robbie Williams’ publicity stunt of marrying his lipo-suctioned auntie failed to whip the media up into a feeding frenzy earlier this month, Gusset News has been told exclusively by the stars PR Manager, a Mr. Bob Villiams (who sounded remarkably like our Robbie speaking with a handkerchief over the mouth piece of his phone) that Robbie is to rejoin TAKE THAT when they tour next summer.

The lads from TAKE THAT who have gone on to reach unprecedented success around the world, winning every music award going and topping every chart since Robbie Williams left in 1995 are said to be completely underwhelmed at the announcement.

 un-gay TAKE THAT! in their prime in 1987 (Robbie is the fat on on the right)

Frontman Gary Barlow has confirmed that “Blobby” has indeed managed to blag his way on to their tour but stated that Williams would definitely not be back for good. “We’ve done alright without Fatty and he still can’t sing, write or play anything so I can’t see what he could bring to the table now… apart from a box of doughnuts.”

Jason Orange summed up the bands feelings when he said, “There’s only so many times you can sing Angels and charge three-hundred quid a head for it. And even then, that git holds his mic out and tells the audience to sing it for him. Fuckin’ wanker”.

Mark Owen, considered the gay member of the band, said that, “I’ve built my career on being available to both sexes even though I have a wife and 37 kids now. Its part of being in the business but to have gay Robbie back in an un-gay way just sucks… in an un-gay way of course. This band isn’t big enough for two pink pound appealing poo-jabbers”.

Howard Donald was too stoned to comment.

The deal to take Robbie back for part of the tour next summer was facilitated by the TAKE THAT management and some old bag who was insisting that she was Robbie’s wife according to an inside source. But the agreement has meant Robbie has had to pay TAKE THAT 12 billion pounds to be included in the tour but he does get a writing credit built into it on the new single called SHAME written entirely by Barlow.

“It’s just a shame that SHAME sounds like a rip-off of BLACKBIRD by THE BEATLES really.” said one unimpressed Radio 1 DJ. Several fans have gone online to note the similarity between the two songs too.

Williams has denied this latest move as a publicity stunt to try and rekindle his flagging career. Meanwhile his PR manager “Bob” has just released another exclusive that Robbie is set to pilot the space shuttle and marry Susan Boyle.

Shame is released on October 4.


Friday, 27 August 2010

Baby Number 3 Moves Into Number 10

Prime Ministers’ and now proud gay fathers, Mr. David Cameron and Mrs. Nick Clegg, have become only the third serving PM’s in modern times to have a baby while in No. 10. The first was Lord John Russell who was prime minister when he became a father on July 11, 1849, which was followed by Tony Blair with the birth of his son Leo on May 20th 2000.

David Cameron, brimming with pride, announced the birth of their daughter to the assembled press who had gathered outside a stable in Truro, Cornwall on 24th August 2010. Asked if they had decided on a name, Dave said they had settled on Florence David Rose Nick Endellion Ming Thatcher Paddy Gordon Kennedy Major Steel Duncan Cable Smith Clegg Cameron Clegg Cameron Clegg Clegg Clegg Cameron Cameron Clegg-Cameron, adding that it was a real coalition name to epitomise the bright new future under the new Government.

The new parents share an embrace outside their home.

Downing Street said that the happy couple had received congratulatory messages from the Queen, the Prince of Wales and his horse, Gordon and Sarah Brown, mini French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his concubines, Elton John, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Quentin Crisp, Gary Glitter, Gay News and God.

Nick was due to give birth in mid-September but began to have contractions after a particularly hot curry and some apr├Ęs dinner bum-fun with some invited state dignitaries. He was taken by car at about 8am on Tuesday for a check-up at a hospital close by and the horrifically ugly baby was delivered by penile-caesarean section shortly before lunchtime using keyhole surgical methods performed through a glory hole.

David Cameron said on Tuesday: "Everything seemed to go fine. Nick woke up this morning and thought he was having ring-piece contractions and it was all beginning to get going so we thought we'd come to the hospital just to get everything checked out. Then things sped up and it all happened very, very quickly and the baby popped out of his bell-end at about 12 o'clock while I was eating my lunch”

He continued, "It seemed to be doing fine and my job was to make the toast and tea and things like that. It's absolutely thrilling, really exciting, and it's just lovely that Nick and baby are doing so well. I’m really going to get smashed tonight; I’ve already done a few lines to celebrate."

The Prime Minister said he was “shocked” by the early arrival. “I always thought it was possible because Nick had been restless for a couple of days and wouldn’t let me in balls deep, so to speak. The next thing I knew we had a baby. Fuck! Bastard told me he was on the pill.”


Thursday, 26 August 2010

Nick Clegg books 'temp' to cover PM role

It's not every day that an employment agency receives a phone call from the deputy prime minister of Great Britain asking for a 'temp'.

Staff at Reed Employment in High Holborn were surprised yet listless when they received the booking from Parliament, but dealt with the situation quickly and professionally yesterday. Branch manager Peggy Wilcox told Gusset News: "Nick Clegg just like rang up. He asked for a temp to cover the Prime Minister for two weeks, covering paternity leave or something".

Prime Minister David Cameron went on paternity leave at short notice yesterday after the unexpected premature birth of his baby daughter, named Florence Combine-Harvester Endellion Cameron, in a hospital in Cornwall.

Nick Clegg tries to operate the laminating machine

Nick Clegg rang the temping agency after panicking that he couldn't work the franking machine and was confused by the V: Lookup function on MS excel. Mrs Wilcox said, "He sent us a job description, bless him. It had three typos and included phrases like 'must know how to cut NHS budgets and work as part of a team'".

Reed Employment have finished shortlisting CVs and plan to send in twenty one year-old Tracy Stanton, a recent geography graduate who has used four different types of switchboards and can find the 'insert a table' function on the 2007 version of MS Word.

Tracy starts work at 9am tomorrow on a competitive rate of £10.50 per hour (including holiday pay).

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Boris unrepentant after toddler tanty

Boris Johnson threw a paddy in Central London's Regent Street today, throwing his favourite red ball into the street.

The London Mayor was told by staff at toy store Hamley's that he was "too old and too big" to go on the Wibbly Wobbly Wabbit ride, a miniature, rabbit-themed train ride for under-fives.

The flop-haired toff ran outside screaming and threw his treasured red ball, 'binky bongle', into the street.

The sulky mayor then instructed London Metropolitan officers to close the surrounding roads to traffic to search for binky bongle, an operation that cost taxpayers £35,000.

Boris was given a glass of tepid milk and sent to bed. A representative from the mayoral office said Boris was "overtired".

Friday, 20 August 2010

Police Ban on Genitals

The Police force came under scrutiny this week for having inappropriate genitals.

Chiefs are to impose a major crack-down on police genitals such as cock and flange, but will also ban nipples and bums. At a press conference this morning, Chief Superintendent Percy Forncloth said “officers are unable to catch criminals because their genitals get in the way”.

He went on to say, “the police force should have smooth areas like Action Man, Barbie and The Smurfs”.

Police have been ordered to remove all genitalia of an appropriate nature by the end of the year.

Officers say they should be allowed to decide whether or not they have genitals while catching criminals. “I love my cock and never get it out when I’m chasing robbers, it’s not fair”, an angry officer told Gusset News today.

The Police Force say they will carry out random spot checks next year. Any officers with genitalia shall be removed from the beat and made to do filing, tea-making or filling in forms.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Cheryl Cole to be infected with Aids virus

The publicity surrounding Cheryl Cole’s malaria treatment has been so effective that her PR team is considering having the singer contract the Aids virus.

Cheryl, 27, contracted malaria on a visit to Tanzania with her boyfriend Derek Hough. Upon her return to England she became ill and Hough quickly called The Mirror and The Sun before rushing her to hospital.

Fortunately for the future of pop music, the singer is now on the mend and is planning to return to Africa to hand out mosquito nets in a bid to send sales of her latest album, I’m Not a Racist Because I’ve Been to Africa, through the roof.

Cheryl’s PR team, who smoothed the waters after the singer and X Factor judge assaulted a black toilet attendant in 2003, are excited about further opportunities for the entertainer.

“The whole country fell to its knees when Cheryl was admitted to hospital,” PR guru Max Clifford said. “They completely forgot that she can’t sing well and that she hit that black woman and called her a ‘black bitch’ in 2003. Cheryl is like a racist Princess Diana.”

Sick: Cheryl Cole's impractical wardrobe meant she was fair game for mozzies.

Clifford is in talks with doctors about having Cheryl infected with the Aids virus. If handled correctly, the virus could bring about benefit concerts and enormously successful singles for the purveyor of forgettable pop.

“With today’s medicine, it’s still possible to live normally with the Aids virus,” said Clifford. “Cheryl will have a good ten years – which also happens to be the lifespan of a mediocre popstar.”

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Dr Kelly investigation was led by a dinner lady

A ‘forensic scientist’ who investigated the death Dr David Kelly was in fact a dinner lady called Maureen.

The Government report, found on a bus by our Gusset reporter, reveals that the dinner lady had no formal training in forensic science but ‘once saw a trailer for CSI and looked intelligent with a clipboard’.

There are calls for a new inquiry into the death of Dr Kelly, a weapons inspector, who apparently committed suicide (but was probably murdered) after he said that the Government “sexed-up” a dossier that made it look cool to bomb a Middle East country that had loads of oil that Britain and America could ‘take over’.

Senior detectives last night expressed surprise that a dinner lady had been sent to the scene when Dr Kelly’s body was found in a forest near his home in 2003.

Before the dinner lady was asked to investigate Dr. Kelly’s death she had spent most of her working life at a small infant school in Wigan. “A man who said he was from the Government asked me if I knew anything about forensic science, so I says ‘no’, so he says ‘great, we need you to do this job...” said Maureen, who’s now retired as a dinner lady.

The dinner lady’s suicide verdict on Dr. Kelly’s death has now been questioned by leading doctors, lawyers and catering staff who support the demand for a full inquest.

The dinner lady was not called to give evidence at the inquiry because she had to help serve orange squash at the school play.

Tony Blair, an unconvicted war criminal who now works for a Middle East country with loads of oil, said “it is common knowledge that forensic scientists should go to college and be qualified, and stuff, so I have no idea how or why a dinner lady ended up leading this investigation”.

The new inquiry will now be carried out by a chef from Bolton.

Monday, 16 August 2010

£72 Billion Debt Forces MOD To Buy Tesco Range

Dr. Liam Fox, The Secretary of State for Defence, has today unveiled his massive cutbacks in MOD spending. Citing the £72 billion worth of debt left by the previous Labour Government as the cause for the severe money saving strategy, Dr. Fox said that “…the Labour chickens had come home to roost”. In the strictest cutbacks since Lord Kitchener ordered the front line troops of the Great War to “Bombard the bosche with empty bully beef tins” in an effort to save on ammunition costs, Dr. Fox has stated that the Military Chiefs will now be held accountable and have more say in how their budget is spent. Canceling all orders for new weapons and equipment from the US, BAE, France and the Taliban, the Secretary for State has issued each Military Chief with their own Club Card and instructions to purchase weapons, ammunition, equipment and various land, sea and air craft from the recently launched Tesco value range of defence products.

“With double points on everything over fifty quid, we’re on a win-win deal with Tesco”, the Secretary said.

When questioned if he thought that the blue and white striped design of the Tesco value range of military clothing for example, may make British soldiers stand out in the killing fields in Afghanistan and Iraq, Dr Fox stated that, “Just by moving our purchases to the value range we will save an estimated £21 billion just on uniforms alone. Our overall plan is then to replace our EuroFighter Typhoon Jets with Cessna crop spraying planes at a saving of £3.4 billion, which will then fly over the combat zones spraying blue and white stripes across the battle field, making our boys on the front line almost completely invisible”.

When challenged further on the effectiveness of catapults firing dried peas against the favoured RPG of the Taliban, Dr. Fox commented that, “Dennis The Menace and The Bash Street Kids have successfully used the catapult for years with glowing results, and there is nothing worse than the sting of a dried pea hitting you on the earlobe to really demoralize your enemy”.

Further cuts will see the Challenger 2 British Army battle tanks being phased out and replaced with Halfords own brand mountain bikes over the next six months. And the infantry’s full kit will now include a sewing needle and thread, with instructions to repair any bullet holes that may be accumulated in the line of duty before passing out and dying. Failure to render the uniform fit to be ‘handed down’ will result in Court-Martial.

In a bid to lead by example Dr. Fox said he will continue to advertise bingo and donate 2% of his fee to the MOD fund.

Minch Norton

Friday, 13 August 2010

Prince Charles' shock Islam conversion

Prince Charles has converted to Islam in a bid to make the Royal Family more multicultural.

Although the monarchy has traditionally avoided associating with brown people, their waning popularity has prompted a move to get with the times. Charles was picked because the family unanimously agreed that he’d look the most awkward in flowing robes.

“The Royal Family has always been seen as a bit out of touch,” said the Windsors’ PR department. “This is a way of bringing a square, racist family into the 21st century.”

Prince Charles has embraced the move and has been spotted praying at the Windsor mosque, speed-reading the Koran and devising mnemonics to memorise the five pillars of Islam: fire, water, earth, wind and heart.

The move comes as Muslims worldwide celebrate Ramadam. During the Muslim holy month Charles must refrain from eating, drinking, or riding wife Camilla Parker-Bowles during daylight hours. Parker-Bowles, who has had to convert along with her husband, is said to be livid about the move. However, she calmed down after receiving a sound beating from the heir to the throne after forgetting her burka on a lunchtime trip to Greggs.

Charles has used his newfound powers of Islam to put a jihad on the Queen after she mistakenly threw away his blanky.

Prince Phillip, well known for his racist rants, called his son a “curry-munching towel-head” and burnt a Q’uran at his gentleman's club in protest, a move which has enraged Mohammed.

The PR department’s other plans to funkify the palace include finally allowing Prince Edward to come out of the closet and having the Queen team up with Snoop Dog on his next album.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Pope's Commemorative Wank Sock Goes on Sale

Official merchandise and commemorative memorabilia to celebrate the Pope's visit to the UK have gone on sale today.  The pope's overrated and over anticipated visit on 16th September has brought feelings of apathy and nonchalance to an otherwise aroused Britain.

The Catholic Church has revealed some of its exclusive memorabilia in honour of its favourite zucchetto-wearing leader.

These briefs, previously only available to priests and bishops, will now be available to the common heathen. 

Available in Small, Medium, Large and Extra Large, these delightful 100% cotton briefs will make you feel like a sex on a stick.

The briefs come with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo and commemorative 2010 embroidery around the waist.

The Pope himself modelled these for the Catholic catalogue and told Gusset "this is all the Lord's creation, I am not smuggling a mitre would you believe!"
RRP. £13.99 + p&p

 This commemorative wank sock is exclusively available to Gusset Muncher subscribers only.

With its super absorbency it can handle 5-6 mop ups before going 'stiff as a board'. 

Comes with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo on both sides of the (w)ankle.

Benedict the 16th told Gusset, "There's no wet patch. It's like my Jesus Juice was invisible".

Priced competitively at 1.99 per sock.

Wash at 90 degrees.

The Catholic Church have brought out its own brand of cigarettes to commemorate the Pope's visit next month. The first 500 packets of 'Pope Puffs' sold will include a free set of rosary beads.

You will not only feel cool when you smoke these silky black cigarettes, but you'll look cool too. Hang outside a school with these and you'll make lots of friends within minutes.

Not available to gays, lesbians or Jews.

£9.99 plus VAT.

Other merchandise to on sale include balaclavas with the Pope's face sewn in, and highly flammable Sinead O'Connor effigies.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Phil Mitchell: "I can't get enough bum-crack"

Hard man Phil Mitchell demonstrated the dangers of being hooked on crack in last night’s episode of Eastenders. The balding bell-end nuzzled greedily into the cracks of Ian Beale, Max Branning and even his own mother’s hairy crack was a victim of his fearless conk.

The BBC received 350 complaints as onlookers witnessed the chubby Mitchell sweat like a melting beetroot over his co-star's clammy cheeks, three more complaints than when Frank Butcher felt Pat up in toilet.

The addiction started last month when Phil was offered to speed-boat Heather Trott's plunging posterior in a darkened alley. "My character just couldn't get enough arse", said Steve McFadden who plays tough guy Phil Mitchell.

BBC executives say they plan to continue with the story, which is the most cheerful since Tiffany got run over on Christmas day, until the Autumn. Fans will have to watch stubbly moon-face McFadden spiral into depression, steal Ben’s pocket money, and attempt suicide as he becomes a massive crackhead.

Crackhead Phil Mitchell snorting Dot Cotton's bot in last night's episode.

A BBC executive told Gusset Muncher: "Eastenders is well known for covering 'issues'. We work closely with addiction charities and health organisations to ensure that we sensitively reflect the difficult issues of snorting bum cleavage."

She went on to say: "Viewers will not see Phil enjoy sniffing arse, or looking happy after a bum-fix, to ensure the episodes are suitable for all ages. We do not endorse or promote snorting the chocolate alleyway whatsoever".

Addiction expert and ex-rump-nuzzler, Paul Daniels said: "Inhaling arse crack is a very serious addiction and is very difficult to quit. Once you’ve tried it, you won’t be able to stop."

Just say 'NO' kids!

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Robbie Williams to Marry WOMAN in Un-Gay Marriage Ceremony

Robbie Williams is set to marry his actress girlfriend Ayda Field in Los Angeles today, according to un-gay reports.

The pair are planning an intimate un-gay ceremony on Santa Catalina, an island just off the coast of California which is not a gay state in America.

Un-gay family and even more really un-gay close friends were only told the date of the nuptials last week, and have flown out to the US to form the congregation comprised of definitely un-gay guests.

"Robbie and Ayda have been deeply in love for a long time now, nearly three hours to be exact", said an un-gay source. "They spend almost every waking minute of every day
together and are completely inseparable which is very un-gay”. The source did not mention what the happy un-gay couple get up during every sleeping minute but it is presumed that whatever it is it is not anything gay.

Another un-gay source said, "They have tried to keep the un-gay guest list for the un-gay wedding as small as possible and have revealed only scant detail of the ceremony to the lucky few who are invited." Which is why we presume that only the entire global Press Association was informed of this very quiet un-gay event?

A spokesman for the very much in mutual financial and publicity benefiting love couple said, “…despite acidic rumours and cynicism, this is the real un-gay deal, Robbie is very much in love with Dave, er I mean Ayda. And he, er she is not an ex-druggie, skint washed-up actor, …er actress who looks like his much older Auntie”.

Meanwhile Robbie’s image agent was also quick to dispel cynics that the un-gay marriage to Dave, … er Ayda, was definitely not another publicity stunt like the one about Robbie rejoining Take That to try and keep Robbie’s failing career and profile from sinking any lower. “If this was a publicity stunt we would have teamed up with the likes of Jedward for example.”

And regarding Take That, his agent went on, “Robbie and the lads in Take That have always really been the best un-gay mates ever, in the world. They are like un-gay brothers and would do anything for each other. But his band Take That mates will not be in attendance, due to long-standing holiday arrangements.”

Jedward arrived in Santa Catalina this morning on the 4:16 Ryan Air flight from Dublin.

Minch Norton

Friday, 6 August 2010

Puke Found from Extinct Estate Agent

British scientists say they have discovered what they believe to be the world's oldest fossilised puke from an estate agent that lived 160 million years ago.

Vomitology Professor Dennis Quaid from King's College London, said the puke, found in a field, sheds new information on the diet and eating habits of Jurassic estate agents. "Our tests show that the puke contains chips, eggs and peas, which was a staple food in this era for such reptiles", said Professor Quaid.

Professor Quaid achieves wood when he handles fossilised chunder

While other fossilised puke examples have been discovered, the Professor says his sample is by far the best. "It's beautiful and smells like cars".

On this remarkable discovery, Professor Quaid said proudly, "this is further proof that not only estate agents existed, but they puked too."

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Muff to be banned say Tories

A ban on muff has been proposed as part of the new ConDem Government's crackdown on any potential labour voters being born.

Chastity belts will be strapped to all women by male MPs, determined to prevent the birth of thousands of new leftie voters.

Ross Kemp, the secretary of state for sex, told Gusset Muncher, "according to the chief medical officer, half the British public owns a muff and that’s a fact."

Kemp added, "intercourse often results in tears and babies, as well as thousands of depressing Channel 4 dramas with working class people. Banning muff is the only way forward.”

Regular user of muff and deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said, "I love muff but we all have to make sacrifices. We can either import neutered Romany prostitutes at a cost of hundreds of pence, or we can tackle the heart of the problem - the existence of muff."

Government sources say muff will likely be banned until 2014.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Judi Dench: I've never heard of Shakespeare

Dame Judi Dench has shocked the nation today in a bizarre revelation claiming that she can't act for toffee, smells of chips, and has never even heard of William Shakespeare.

The RADA trained actress has won numerous "best actress" awards including an Oscar (TM), yet insists that her acting skills are down to camera angles, CGI and clever editing "I'm a complete spaz", proclaimed Britain's best loved thespian, "I've got a speech impediment and I couldn't remember a line if it bit me on me arse". The actress claims that film and theatre directors are so clever they could get a Moulinex blender to win a 'best actress' prize.

SJP and Judi Dench in 'Casino Royalel'

Dench's agent is shocked that her client has admitted her whole acting career is a facade. "She wanted to be an accountant but her parents forced her into acting. She still does sums as a hobby but she don't get paid for it, and if she did I'd want 15%".

The news has come as a huge shock to actor's union Equity, who have cancelled her membership. Equity's spokesman stated "It is an insult to our members that someone can claim to be an actress and not even know what a Pinter pause is".

HM The Queen rang Gusset HQ this morning with the following statement: "I'm glad that other actress with the big ear lobes played me and not that lying scamp! I'll be having my Dame honours back and will be giving it to Sonia from Eastenders".

Dench also claims that Joseph Fiennes is actually made of wood (oak with a walnut vaneer to be precise) and that Kenneth Branagh doesn't even exist.