Rapists, retards to suffer under new electoral system

An innovative new electoral system will award votes to voters according to their usefulness. Under the proposed system, everyone will be given votes in proportion to the contribution they make to society. The high end of the scale will see service workers like firemen and policemen given six votes each. At the other end of the spectrum coffin dodgers, bureaucrats and rapists will receive one vote each.

Fashion bloggers, people who say ‘music is my life’ and anyone who has ever waited until they get to the front of a long queue before getting their money out to see how much they have will all be disqualified from voting.

Policemen, construction workers and cowboys will all be allowed six votes under the system.

Instead of multiple polling booths, which made voting easily accessible for anyone, even those that didn’t really care and hadn’t thought properly how they should cast their vote, there will be just one polling station. However, as a concession to convenience, this will be stationed in Haltwhistle, Northumberland, considered by many to be the geographical centre of Britain. To save public funds, the polling station will be staffed by three volunteers from the local Women’s Institute.

“It’s a progressive move and one that is greatly needed if we ever want to see change in our lifetime,” said fireman Michael Bolton. “I have six times as much to say as a criminal or a retard and the new system will reflect that.”

However, a rag-tag group of spastics, the elderly, and criminals will march on parliament today to express their displeasure at the proposal."Rapists are people too," said marcher and rapist Peter Sutcliffe. "The government would do well to remember that. Especially that sexy Ann Widdecombe."

Coffin dodgers put to work

Ninety eight-year-old former police officer Stan Widdle retired 38 years ago. Yesterday he returned to his former role as a bobby on the beat, patrolling some of London’s most dangerous areas with his walking frame as part of a government scheme to get coffin-dodgers back into work.

The new scheme sees the retirement age raised to 105, effective immediately.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said old people still have “a very small part to play” in our society and they should allow society the benefit of their wisdom and life experience.

Pensioner’s playgrounds were empty today as coffin-dodgers dusted off their briefcases and toddled off to offices around Britain.

When Gusset News caught up with Mr Widdle he said he was finding the job a challenge, despite the wisdom old age has brought. He said he was tired and by midday he had forgotten what he was supposed to be doing and what his name was, despite wearing a nametag.

Thumbs up: Beatrice Ripple will retire in 21 years.

Eighty-four-year-old Beatrice Ripple landed a Boeing 767 for the first time in more than 20 years yesterday afternoon. She retired from her role as a BA pilot in 1989 due to sight problems, but the new law, which is firmly in line with today’s equal opportunities legislation, will see her take to the air once again – with the help of her seeing eye dog, Buster.

“It’s just marvellous,” Ripple said. “Yesterday I was knitting a bonnet for my great-grandson and today I’ve got the lives of thousands of people in my hands, haven’t I Buster?”

Older people who are unable to move at all are being put to use in other ways. Those with Parkinson’s Disease will be used as cocktail shakers while those unable to move or communicate at all will be gainfully employed as call centre workers and road workers.

Tackling ageing, the silent killer

Ageing: it's not a laughing matter.

The Government is to launch a campaign highlighting the dangers of ageing.

Ageing is growing more widespread, particularly among youth. The initiative will inform people of the side effects of ageing, including loss of hair, memory problems and not being able to climb the stairs as quickly as you used to be able to. In severe cases, ageing can lead to death.

Anti-ageing boss Geoffrey Nettles said yesterday: "Some people think ageing is cool and glamorous. We want people to know the facts and show them the harm they are doing to themselves." Research has shown that people who age regularly are four times more likely to die young, Nettles said.

Establishments that encourage ageing such as allotments and bingo halls will be targeted. Popular ageing accessories, such as slippers, pipes and Werthers Originals, will now see their packaging printed with shocking photographic images of greying hair, wrinkles and varicose veins.

The initiative has drawn criticism from some quarters. Gerald Attrick, head or pro ageing group P.A.G (Pro Ageing Group) said between naps "This is another prime example of the Government trying to turn Britain into a nanny state. If we want to age then why can’t we do so without meddling politicians and pop stars telling us we can’t? Who is this Cliff Richard anyway? It’s not music, you can’t hear the words. It’s just a noise, not like in my day."

For all the arguments raging about its introduction, some simply see the initiative as too little, too late. Malcolm Threep, 71, of Aberystwyth, is paying the price for many years of ageing. "I first aged when I was about 10," he says ruefully. "Everyone did it back then. Now I age at least five times a week, sometimes twice a day. I fear that soon it will kill me."

The plan for the Government is to ensure that the current generation do not have to face the same fate as Mr Threep.

Arthur Del Monte III