Rapists, retards to suffer under new electoral system

An innovative new electoral system will award votes to voters according to their usefulness. Under the proposed system, everyone will be given votes in proportion to the contribution they make to society. The high end of the scale will see service workers like firemen and policemen given six votes each. At the other end of the spectrum coffin dodgers, bureaucrats and rapists will receive one vote each.

Fashion bloggers, people who say ‘music is my life’ and anyone who has ever waited until they get to the front of a long queue before getting their money out to see how much they have will all be disqualified from voting.

Policemen, construction workers and cowboys will all be allowed six votes under the system.

Instead of multiple polling booths, which made voting easily accessible for anyone, even those that didn’t really care and hadn’t thought properly how they should cast their vote, there will be just one polling station. However, as a concession to convenience, this will be stationed in Haltwhistle, Northumberland, considered by many to be the geographical centre of Britain. To save public funds, the polling station will be staffed by three volunteers from the local Women’s Institute.

“It’s a progressive move and one that is greatly needed if we ever want to see change in our lifetime,” said fireman Michael Bolton. “I have six times as much to say as a criminal or a retard and the new system will reflect that.”

However, a rag-tag group of spastics, the elderly, and criminals will march on parliament today to express their displeasure at the proposal."Rapists are people too," said marcher and rapist Peter Sutcliffe. "The government would do well to remember that. Especially that sexy Ann Widdecombe."