Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Cockneys Infest Posh Village

Berkshire council has been inundated with complaints of Cockney infestation.

Cockneys nest in roofs, gardens and wall insulations of homes in highly populated middle classes areas, sometimes forcing people with double-barrelled surnames out of their own homes.

“I heard a rumble in my loft and thought it was badgers but there was a family of 8 pearly kings and queens singing ‘knees up mother brown’ amongst my old Monsoon clothes”, said distraught Henrietta Bon-Clyde from Aldermaston Village. “I tried everything, pesticides, lion dung, even playing Michael Buble on full blast, but they won’t go”.

According to anthropologists at King’s College London, Cockneys are known to breed quickly in the hot weather and the population could get out of control of not dealt with quickly.

A Cockney luring a male during mating season

Cockney coke-bothering heathen Daniella Westbrook issued a press release quoting: “We ain’t ‘ere to ‘arm na-one innit. We es jus lookin for sum were pritty to park ar arse ‘oles jurin this ‘eat”.

The Hewitt-Browns were driven out of their Edwardian cottage due to half the Eastenders cast nesting in their pipe cladding. “They shout and argue all night”, said father of 3, Tarquin, “they come back in the middle of the night after going ‘up west’ and one female Cockney actually bit me on the leg”.

The Council is trying to bait the East London oiks out with a super-breed of Scousers and hope to cull the pesky pigeon lickers by August. “It could be worse”, said the MP for Eton, “at least they’re not mockneys”.

1 comment:

  1. Blindin'!
    I 'ave to admit that many could be lured away with the promise of a free tattoo & a weekend voucher for tanning in a wicked Essex salon........