New BB Housemate Revealed

A record 3 housemates lamely walked out of the Big Brother house since the show started 8 weeks ago. The 11th Big Brother has been the most boring yet, and Channel 4 executives have been desperate to gain audiences.

The newest contestant entered the BB house in the early hours of this morning, but most of the vacuous wannabes are unaware that their new housemate is none other than Yorkshire ripper, Peter Sutcliffe.

The Broadmoor resident was recently denied parole, however due to a High Court admin error, caused by a sleepy underpaid temp, Sutcliffe has been lawfully granted ‘house arrest’. In layman’s terms, this means Sutcliffe can be ‘detained in any secure unit’ for a maximum of 3 weeks.

Sutcliffe’s lawyer, Alan Dershowitz said, “The Big Brother House is exceptionally secure and is manned by a hightec security team 24/7”. He went on to say, “Sutcliffe will feel at home confined to a restricted area full of other mentalists”.

Channel 4 told Gusset News that the prostitute botherer is ‘fitting in well’ with his new inmates, and has struck up a strong bond with sassy scouse Rachel. “This morning he sidled up to the scantily clad northerner and asked if he could tie her up with Josie’s big pants”, said Davina McCall. Unfortunately the bearded serial killer was later disturbed by crab-eyed housemate John James, who interrupted the pair whilst looking for his favourite hanky.

Murderous intent or product placement

Meanwhile, Yorkshire slappa Corin Forshaw has been missing from the Big Brother house since lunchtime.

BP: "please release Yorkshire Ripper"

BP has been criticised again today for lobbying the British government for the release of serial killer Peter Sutcliffe.

The Yorkshire ripper was sentenced to 20 life sentences in 1981 for murdering 13 prostitutes and attempting to murder a further 7. However, a high court judge condemned the jailbird to ‘prison perpetuity’, after refusing his request for parole.

BP said it pressed for the release of the prisoner because his custody was damaging its “commercial interests” and disrupt its £90 million petrol station in Yorkshire.

BP recently came under scrutiny for upsetting the USA by helping release a terrorist that killed hundreds of Americans and for covering the country in its oil spill.

Chris Peacock, a spokesman for BP, admitted to The Gusset that Sutcliffe’s release would have closed the deal on their murder-themed petrol station, which planned to sell 'Yorkshire Slippers', donning the murderer's face and include a ‘pic axe mix’. “What more could those flat-capped-whippet-loving-pigeon-licking Northern bastards want?” Said Peacock, who was looking forward to Sutcliffe cutting the red tape (with round-edge scissors) on the new fuel pumps.

Yorkshire Council was said to be 'gutted' at the news. The county had high hopes of capitalising on Sutcliffe's release and will now have to burn all 500 of its “Kill your speed – not a prostitute” road signs that were intended to don residential roads in the borough.

What a waste!