Commonwealth's newest games reflect Britain's glorious past

British athletes prepare for the games.

Spectators will be treated to two exciting new sports at this year's Commonweath Games.

As the curtain raises on this year's host Delhi, organisers spoke for the first time about the inspiration between two very special new events.

The games have been held every two years since the Commonwealth was founded in 1240 and began to impose its rule on the world . Every decade, on years that end in a zero, two new sports are added to the programme. This year's were chosen to reflect the Commonwealth’s longstanding tradition of raping, pillaging, and behaving badly on package holidays.

Commonwealth Games Chairman Ricky Hatton said Britain has much to be proud of. "We're known around the world for the delicacy and grace with which we imposed our rule on our colonial children. It's time to reflect that tradition."

The Colonial Charge hearks back to the Colonial pastime of spreading disease among the world's indigenous populations. Athletes will have two hours to go out among the local populace and infect them with old-fashioned diseases such as cholera, typhoid, syphilis and whooping cough. Whoever chalks up the most infections within that time frame will win the gold. “Many of the participants from countries like India, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa will have had ancestors who died from being infected by incumbent white settlers.” said Hatton. “It’s really a fond walk down memory lane.”

The Great British Holiday reflects on the dying years of Colonial rule and will see participants talking loudly at blank-faced foreigners while trying to drink as many vodka and Redbull drinks as they can before it turns 7.30pm while racing for a seat on a cut-price airline and bitching about the weather.

India, which achieved independence in 1948 and at the time was quoted being “chuffed” about it, is said to be ecstatic that Britain is continuing its tradition of spreading racism and disease across the world.