Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Rooney Faces Disrepute Charges

Literally hours before the Euro 2012 Qualifier against Switzerland, England striker Wayne Rooney has been officially warned by Manager, Don ‘Sleep with the fishes’ Vito Capello that he is to be charged with bringing professional prostitution into disrepute.

Wayne with wife Coleen

In a formal letter to the England Team’s HQ in De Wallen, Amsterdam, the professional prostitutes union, Conglomerate of Ladies In Tarty Stuff (C.L.I.T.S) have given their intent to make formal charges against Rooney for bringing the oldest profession in the world into disrepute.

C.L.I.T.S Union Leader, Olga Van Warmer, said that the fact that one of her members did perform a lewd act (orally de-cheesed his member) on Rooney and charge a fee several times over, was not the point. “The fact is that by actively seeking out one of our members to off load his tube-porridge into has done us untold damage professionally; even the pervs in the Cabinet are giving us a wide berth as they now believe that all of the girls service primates likes Rooney and are rightly worried about disease crossing species.

Despite calls for Rooney to be left out of the team for tonight’s qualifier against Switzerland, Manager Don Capello said, “I am-a not-a concer-ned wid heez private-a life. I am-a here-a to put-a de best-a team-a on-a de field and-a vin de game. Besides-a if-a I leave-a Rooney in de hotel for-a more than-a six-a minutes, he-a cost-a me more than-a de whole-a team’s salary in-a phone-a calls and-a johnnys. At-a least when heez on-a da filed, I-a know where-a he is.”

The tart in the middle of this scandal, who specialises in A and O level, ATM and scat and on average turns 17 tricks an hour, is said to be distraught at what Rooney did to her, “I have never been treated this bad by anyone before, my usual punters normally run out without paying after giving me a kicking. Rooney was sick, we agreed a price and he paid me triple that amount and we politely parted company. He’s just sick, really sick”.

When asked what she was going to spend her kiss-and-tell money on, she said, “Well my mum needs an operation, so while she having that done I’ll blow the lot on crack”.

Another spokeswoman for the Union, K. Price said, “When weel these gilz learn, you just ‘ave to marry ‘em and then it’s cushty innit. Easy money.”

Rooney was unavailable for comment as he was playing on his tyre.


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