Professor Hawking says in his new book, 'The Grand Design', that yellow snow contains wee-wee, Tony Blair is a massive self-indulgent cunt-faced war criminal worse than Adolf Hitler, and that monkeys are funny.
Hawking explains that the earth is round "like a Babybel"
His book has upset many religious groups around the world, mostly Christian, who felt that dogs were loads more funny than our primate relatives. Reverend Rick Astley from Derby said "I will have to ask God about this. It's an outrage. Next he'll be saying that the moon isn't made of cheese".
Scientists are stunned by Professor Hawking's findings "I can't believe that the earth is round and that potassium does a funny thing in water", said Professor Chesney Hawkes of King's College London. He went on to say, "It's amazing! The fact that humans, who I thought were made of lego, chips and luncheon meat, are actually made of many many cells. We have finally come to an understanding about our universe, it's a scientific breakthrough."
Professor Hawking, who got a 'C' in O-Level science but is still cleverer than Carol Vordeman and Anne Robinson put together, will be appearing in Waterstones next week to sign copies of his new book. You may have to sign it yourself to save time.
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