Sunday, 2 May 2010


Royal Tail: Hybrid postie Jeremy Tillywinkle

Royal Mail executives have admitted that due to the increasing delivery demands they have placed on their postmen they have been forced to cross breed them with house mice.

The postal workers union CWU said its members had been coming under increasing pressure to deliver more letters in a shorter period of time and many members have been threatened with the sack for not meeting their targets.

“At least if I'd got the sack I'd have something to put the letters in”, said Jeremy Tillywinkle a disgruntled postman from Tuppenny Lane. “Most of the time I take the post around in my cheek pouches!”

Baron Von Klinkenhousen, the German CEO of The Royal Mail and former genetic scientist had this to say, “making the decision to breed postmen with house mice was a simple one for us. The house mouse, which rhymes, has many characteristics which are beneficial to the common-or-garden postman. They can move incredibly fast for their size and have quick little hands. Put these traits into a Royal Mail uniform and you have created a force of nature the likes of which the world has never seen!”
The BBCs Wacky Naturist Bill Oddy told us, “it's easy to spot the hybrids as they scurry up and down the streets. They have larger eyes and ears than their native cousins and appear more alert. Sometimes they eat their own droppings”.

The CWU chief Timmy Perrywig told Gusset Muncher's Fifi Fiore, “our members can see the benefits but there are down sides. An example being the reason we call postal strikes over Christmas isn't because it causes maximum disruption, it's because the genetically modified postmen can't fight the urge to hibernate. This coupled with the fact that sometimes they chew up the mail to make nests has caused us problems. But they can have up to 80 young a year thus safeguarding the future supply of postmen to the mail service”.

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