Monday, 17 May 2010

England manager’s shocking new tactics

Controversial England football manager Fabio Capello has come under fire for his latest training technique which involves sending electric currents through the testicles of his squad.

Thanks to a source within the England camp, thought to be notorious squealer Gary Neville, Gusset News has learnt that this tool is just the tip of the iceberg in the Italian’s lust for glory at the 19th world cup in South Africa.

The leaked memos outline plans to hook the player’s testicles up to remote control electrodes which transmit an electric charge directly into the player’s gonads. Capello would use the remote control from his dug out area.

The “motivational tool,” as Capello describes it in the memo, has met with strong opposition from human rights organisations and football supporters.

Head of the Football Association Lord Triesman called the move “uncivilised.”

“These goddamn Italians think it’s the middle ages, we’re a bloody civilised country you know. Did we colonise that place? No? Well we should have.”

This comment has lead to serious recriminations, including threats of military action from Italy and disciplinary action for Triesman. With the world cup only weeks away the detritus left by these revelations is an unwelcome build up to a world cup England had high hopes for.

However, assistant coach Stuart Pearce supports the move. “What says ‘get down that left wing faster’ better than a shock to your nuts? I know if they’d had ‘em in my day it would have been a different game. Jockeys use whips on horses, why can’t we send 240 volts into Wayne Rooney’s genitals?”

This latest revelation comes just days after the vetoing of Capello’s controversial world cup scoring system. Capello had planned to score his players out of ten at the end of each world cup game this summer and make the ratings available for public viewing in a bid to humanise the players and make them more accessible. However, after backlash from players and supporters, the system was scrapped and Capello forced to make an embarrassing backtrack.

No players that matter were available for comment today, but covert pictures taken by Madame Tool at the squad's latest training session speak volumes about Capello’s latest scheme.

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