Friday, 7 May 2010

Undead shuffle into Downing Street

As Britons all over the country awoke to the prospect of a hung parliament today, one party is dead keen to get a slice of coalition action.

The Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality party’s unexpected election success has shocked political commentators and now CURE hope to gain further influence by joining Labour in forming a new government.

CURE received 482,000 votes, earning them six parliamentary seats and the attention of Gordon Brown, who is desperately casting around to form a Labour-led coalition government.

CURE candidate for Brighton and Hove Jeremy Beadle said the high number of votes received was “great news” – but not entirely unexpected. Polls and surveys tend to ignore the undead, meaning they are not represented in society. “Most undead keep themselves to themselves, hanging round cemeteries and industrial estates.” Beadle said.

This undead voter is in the minority, Beadle says. "Why can't we all just get along?"

Joining Labour in forming a new government would change this imbalance. “Brown has been dead for many years and knows all too well the level of discrimination and loneliness that the non-living experience,” Beadle said.

The pair met at Downing Street this morning to begin preliminary talks. “As soon as I shook his cold, dead hand and looked into his blank eyes I knew we were off to a winning start.”

Beadle has vehemently denied that greater undead influence in the sphere of power would lead to an influx of undead entering the country and stealing our jobs and women.

"The undead just want to be contributing members of society. They are for the most part highly educated and eager to work. We don't discriminate against people who are fat or Asian - why should we discriminate against someone simply because they don't breathe and sometimes shed rotting lumps of flesh?"

Meanwhile, a number of CURE voters missed the 10pm voting cut off thanks to their slow, shambling gait. Many were waiting in long queues last night to cast their ballot, while some were turned away altogether.

Undead voter Ima Rotten said people needed to learn that the undead were “just like everyone else – except dead. “We're a peaceful race, we're not like the undead portrayed in films, only a small minority go around biting people.”

See CURE's manifesto here.

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