Jaywalkers to Face up to Fours Years in Prison

A cutback in government funding has lead to the Police Force implementing a series of new crimes to raise revenue.

Chief of Police Detective Constable Peter Sutcliffe said “this new measure not only helps us with the deficit loss from the government but will also help us crack down on crime which can only be better for everyone, can’t it! Plus we’re getting new gold plated helmets which is ace.”

The list of 137 new crimes was published today, but won’t be effective until Thursday next week. The list includes:

Barging with intent: a person bumping into another person in the street could now be fined up to £1000. This has enraged City workers in London “How am I supposed to get to my office if I don’t barge into at least five people wearing a less expensive suit that me!” said banker Justin Flannel from Balham.

Jaywalking: most shocking on the new list is that jaywalkers can now face up to four years in prison. Local residents in the town of Bromsgrove are in protest and plan to Jaywalk local cross roads every day until Thursday .

Swearing: Unless you have a recognised impairment such as Tourettes Syndrome, swearers can face between £80 and £2000 depending on the offensive word. “Bum, tits and minge-flaps cost £80 per offence, but C*nt and Nigg*r are at the top of the scale at £2000 a piece” Sutcliffe shouted as he was arrested by a colleague.

Flatulence on public transport: It will now only be legal to fart on trains, buses and tubes between 7am and 7pm. Pensioner Maureen Jiggings said “this is ridiculous, how are we expected to hold in a guff between Mile End and Bow!”

The list also includes winking with intent, mincing in white jeans, pigeon licking, denying the existence of zombies and buying porn on a Sunday.

Farting in areoplanes will remain legal until the volcano cloud disperses.