Footballers Manage a Record Week Without Raping Anyone

The Football Association proudly released a report today stating that professional football players were not accused of rape, sexual abuse, or domestic violence for an entire week during the month of February 2003.

FA spokesman Les Dennis said “it amazed us all that footballers managed to last this long without assaulting a woman (allegedly), the longest period before this was 2 hours and 12 seconds”.

He went on to say, “footballers are harmless really and some wouldn’t even kill a monkey”.

The seven-day period was unfortunately broken by Bromsgrove United player, Ross Kemp, who was accused of gang raping four pensioners at a car boot sale on 26th February 2003.

Ex-football player David Essex grunted, “most of ‘em ask for it anyways, the filfy slaaaags”.

The report also states that other crimes such as kidnapping and murder have gone down by a record 0.24 per cent in 10 years.