Tuesday, 20 April 2010

'Hero' Clegg to bring stranded Brits home

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has pledged to help every British citizen left stranded by cancelled flights personally: by swimming across the channel to fetch them himself.

Clegg has lashed out at Gordon Brown’s “drastic measure” in sending naval ships to pick up tourists whose flight plans have been interrupted by the ongoing ash plume from Eyjafjallajokull.

“It’s a drastic measure and a huge waste of cash”, the election hopeful said, adding that he has his own ideas on how to waste cash in the event of his reaching office, and they don’t really involve helping other people.

Clegg was also moved by the plight of those who have been forced to post themselves home in large parcels. “It just goes to show how desperate people are to come back to this great, but Labour-ravaged country of ours."

Instead, Clegg has vowed to swim to the areas with the highest concentration of British tourists and bring them back himself. A rubber harness around his torso will trail ropes that will attach to a rubber dinghy capable of carrying up to ten people.

Clegg’s vow has sparked excitement and a resurgence of hope at airports all over the European continent. Pensioner Marjorie Banks is camped out in Majorca Airport and in a phone call to the Gusset Muncher HQ described the atmosphere as “jingoistic”.

“When the announcement came over the loudspeakers, everyone jumped up and started cheering and crying and waving Lib Dem flags. I haven’t seen anything like this since the war ended,” the 70-year-old said, choking back tears. “It were proper Blitz spirit. God bless Mr Clegg, he’s saved us all.”

The Robinson family, stranded in Switzerland, were so inspired by Clegg’s gesture the six of them – including a toddler and a wheelchair-bound disabled uncle - plan to walk from the landlocked country to the South of France, where they hope to meet Clegg at the coast in time for a lift back to their home in Leicester.

“It’s a long way to walk, and we’re worried how our two-year-old will do when we cross the alps, but if Nick can do it then by God we can too,” said inspired father Andrew Robinson.

Clegg doggy-paddled out to sea this morning after a brief ceremony at Portsmouth, where thousands of cheering fans turned out to wish him well.

"He's a proper hero," wept mother-of-seven Sharon Razzer, whose son is stranded in Ibiza. "Gordo and Dave are just sitting round counting their cash and laughing while Nick battles the elements to bring our boys home."

Clegg will be accompanied by three British naval war ships to ensure his safety. It is predicted the rescue effort will take up to 25 years.

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