Cameron ‘ballistic’ over Dib Dabs

As David Cameron prepared for his final face-to-face with Gordon Brown in the House of Commons yesterday there was just one thing on his mind. It wasn’t the big questions about tax or spending, or the anticipation of Gordon Brown’s ill-tempered jibes. It was a packet of fine white powder hidden in the top drawer of his desk.

David Cameron has developed an addiction to Dib Dabs, a bag of sherbert with a hard lolly on a stick that is repeatedly sucked and dipped into the dry, sweet powder. And it's a habit that his staff believe is pushing him over the edge.

Cameron’s addiction to the sugary sweet is spiralling out of control, sources say. The father of four’s ten-pack-a-day habit sees him dibbing at his desk, dabbing in the back of his stretch limo and sometimes dib dabbing late into the night whilst cackling over an old Eton yearbook and circling with red ink the chums he hopes to summon to his side when Tory victory is declared.

Cameron’s habit has left Tory Party drones fearful. “He’s constantly sending the work experience boy out to the corner shop,” one unnamed source said. “He times him and if he takes longer than five minutes he goes ballistic. The last lad quit because he wet himself with fright at the yelling. When Mr Cameron saw what had happened he rubbed the poor boy's nose in the mess like a naughty puppy.”

It’s well known that Cameron once dabbled in drugs, a fact which saw the Conservative leader widely condemned. Now, his frightened staff wish he would send out for some quality Moroccan hash instead of the rage-inducing Dib Dabs.

“When he smoked spliffs he’d play Barrington Levy records and do imitations of Boris Johnson and Maggie Thatcher and we’d all have a laugh,” the source said. “Now it’s Dib Dabs every day the laughter is gone and his eyes are all cold and empty.”